27 July 2013

Cracking the Heart Open

Day 24 - Your 3 Worst Traits

Everyone has bad traits. You can either work on them or embrace them, I am trying to work on mine.

I have infinite amount of patience when it comes to waiting for things. Be it waiting for a long planned event or waiting for a long delayed bus to arrive, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Where impatience catches me out is when I am trying to teach someone to do something. If they don’t understand immediately I am instantly irritated. I have been actively working on this and am trying to improve.

Too Trusting
I wander around in the world with my heart on a plate. Like the Ood in Doctor Who, I automatically put my trust in people, give them my loyalty and once you are a good friend of mine; you get a little piece of my heart too.

For the most part this works well in a friendship and I have some absolutely amazing best friends whom I adore. It also works against me because I have had heartbreak when I have invested my emotions in people who weren't worth them.

Finally, the one I can't shake.....

I was reading today the brilliant blog of Callie Thorpe From the Corners of the Curve She was talking about when she met her boyfriend and she presumed that he was a “chubby chaser” and it was only upon seeing a photograph of his ex size 8 girlfriend that she really believed that he loved her for being her. The whole of her.

That is what I want. My head and my heart both presume I can't have it. I walk into a room and I automatically presume that any men in that room wouldn't fancy me, wouldn't want to spend time with me; wouldn't want to be seen with me, would be embarrassed. I can't shake it.

I am much more confident than I used to be. I wear my clothes with confidence now and my head is raised a little higher than before. I have self esteem and self respect. I don't cross the road now when I see a group of people.

Except when thoughts of the opposite sex come into play. Then I am back to square one. Where I am still the girl that moved away from a date at the bar when his friends appeared, in case he would be embarrassed to be seen with me. I'm 34 for fuck's sake. I need to shake this feeling or I really will be alone forever.

No by the way, I don't need a man to “complete me”. But it would be kind of nice not to walk through all the days of my life with just me.

What the hell is it about blogging that makes you just slice your heart open and pour it onto a page? It is quite cathartic for me in some ways, but then you read something back at the later date and you can't quite believe that you were quite that open.

So there you go...... Day 24 of the #30DayBloggerChallenge.... It's surprising what comes out of your head when you start typing on a page....

Check out the other ladies, hopefully their traits will be a little more amusing than mine!!

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