Creating Space, For Yourself

 I don't think that the work that you do to improve yourself ever really ends.  Nor should it.  It is important to reevaluate, reassess and dig a little deeper.

I am in a place in my life now where I am the happiest I have ever been.  I have worked on myself a lot over the years, especially for the last two years and it really shows.  I have reached a freedom, a peace and a clarity of mind that I never knew that I could achieve.

When you sort out the big things. the smaller things that were not noticeable before, appear.  Old behaviours or reactions that worked well at one time in your life, but are not needed now.  Some of them are so unconscious that you don't even realise.

I feel so lucky that I am at a stage now where I can see these behaviours and can work towards changing them.  For example, I have mentioned in a previous post that I unconsciously wait for someone's reaction, before allowing my own, which affects and changes how I react.  Now I know that I do this, and more importantly, why I no longer need to act this way; I can change it.

One of the things that I have realised is that I have always made myself small.  My needs and wants have always been put second, last or not even at all.  Other people have always mattered more.  I have never put myself first.  Said what I wanted.  What I needed.    

I think that that is why that I have always enjoyed and offered to organise.  Because then I can slip in some of my wants and needs.  But in general, I have always put others before myself.

This stems from a lifelong need to be wanted.  To be loved.  I have burned for years, keeping others warm.

But now, I no longer need to.  Recognising this to be true was a step that I reached recently.  I am loved.  I am wanted.  I deserve to be bigger.  To branch out.  To say what I want.  Ask for what I want.  I can allow myself that now.

I realise now that I matter too.  I have always mattered.  And I deserve to exist in a space in this world.  

The road ahead of me is exciting.  Because I am making choices now for myself, not just acquiescing to others.  Not just assuming that my needs are automatically smaller or inconsequential.  

This is my time now and anything is possible.

Shall I tell you a secret? One day, I want to write a book.  For now, I am practicing with short stories.  Because, why not.  

Tuesdays with Morrie - My Thoughts

I recently read “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom.  It was a beautiful book which made me think about and reassess my life.  That is the sign of a good book.

It started me thinking about what we have in our lives, what we need and what we want.  Which are of those are necessary to our happiness and wellbeing; and which are not. 

It also made me think about the people in my life, those I love, those I like, those I don’t like.  The reasons for this.  About what relationships I want to cultivate and grow.  Those I need to give up on or forget.  Those I need to work on.

It made me think about what I have, that is actually important and means everything to me.

I have love.  That is the first and foremost.  Nothing will ever rival the moment that I first felt truly loved.  To be able to spend the rest of my life with the person that loves me most is a gift that cannot be measured. 

Love cannot be taken for granted.  It needs work, care, consideration and give and take.  Working on my love is something that is a lifelong goal and one I need to remember.  Not to take love for granted.

I have a home.  A real home that is mine.  A safe haven.   That is something that I always wanted, and now have.

There was a line in the book that really made me think. 

You have to be ready to die, in order to be ready to live.

What does that mean?  For me that means no regrets, no things I put off till “insert date”, no chances I should have taken but didn’t.  To have lived my life as best as I can, be as good a person as I can, be as happy and bring as much happiness as I can.  So, when that time comes, hopefully decades from now, I am at peace.

Morrie talked about not worrying about getting old.  That aging means learning, and the older you are, the more you know.   That is a good thing.  The more you have experienced, the more you have lived and enjoyed.

One thing that you could tell about Morrie was that he truly lived.  He experienced everything and let himself feel it all.  He let himself fully enjoy life and completely immersed himself into whatever he chose.  He listened.  He danced.  He cried, when he needed to.  He allowed himself all emotions and did not worry about what others thought of it.

He talked about it being important to recognize when a feeling such fear came upon him.  He gave himself an amount of time to experience that fear, let himself fully feel it, immerse himself in it; and then put it aside.  By doing this it enabled him to detach from the fear having let it have its time. 

This is such an important lesson to learn and one that many of us, myself included, do not allow ourselves.   Pain, fear, anxiety, worry; these are all emotions that I have run away from in the past.  Or experienced some of and then thrown into a box in my head and buried.  But buried things in your head can find their way out.  It isn’t healthy.

Tuesdays with Morrie taught me that I need to say yes more.  Say yes instantaneously.  Before doubt or worry or planning sets in.  Maybes rarely happen.  We have one life to live and it is our duty to live them to the fullest.

I can still feel the glow that I had after reading this book.  I recommend it wholeheartedly.

Fifteen Years of Blogging!

I don't make New Year's resolutions.  I find that doing so just means that I end up actively ignoring them.  But what I did promise myself last year is that this year, I would focus more on doing what I love and brings me joy.  For me, that is writing.

Writing is something that I have always loved.  It is my passion.  My writing has taken many different paths and led me on many different journeys over the years.  Writing and sharing my posts out into the world has helped me grow as a person, given me confidence and also given me an outlet for my thoughts and feelings.

Over the years my blog has been many things.  A diary, a plus size fashion blog, a commercial posts blog and now, a place where I share my thoughts on whatever subject or current interest comes to mind.  I also have a continuing series of short stories, which I was surprised to find that I actually enjoy!

It is easy for life to take hold and for you to put passions aside.  I realised that last year I only wrote five posts for the entirety of the year.  I knew that that had to change.

Last year was a big year of chance for me.  Moving house and all that entails as well as working on myself as a person.  As a result of the personal work I have done on myself, I started this year with a happiness that I never known.  With that happiness, my desire for writing returned.

I have been so many different people during the lifetime of this blog and I think it shows.  What started as a diary of sorts to try and understand myself, changed into plus size blogging.  This gave me more and more confidence, where I had none before.  Sharing my journey into confidence, sharing photographs of myself and pushing myself out into the world, trying new things was a wonderful experience.

When I started plus size blogging, I wrote an email to the person who had inspired me.  A few years later, I received one of my own.  I cannot tell you how happy that made me and how it made me realise just how far I had come.

By this point I was working with clothing brands and I decided to branch out to writing commercial posts as well, which was a nice little sideline for a while. 

For personal reasons I decided to stop plus size blogging and commercial writing and for a few years after that, I lost my way a little with writing, with less posts every year than I ever had before.

I have been on a personal journey these past 5/6 years.  Some of this is documented on the blog, some not.  But I have taken more steps to find my own peace these last few years than ever before; and the result is the woman who writes this today.  Happy.  Fulfilled.  No longer plagued by demons of the past.

Now, I love my life, my partner, my job.  I sat down at my desk at work today and realising that I was smiling.  That is quite an accomplishment for a Monday morning!

So where will this blog go now?  What do the next fifteen years hold?  More of the same I hope.  More opinion and thoughts pieces, more short stories.  The world is open to me now, to take my journey wherever I wish.

I hope that you come along with me for the ride.