I have always been a person who internalised their emotions. Not just internalised, compartmentalised.
What I have come to realise since
hitting perimenopause is that I am no longer that person and letting my
emotions out is something that I am not used to. At all.
When you internalise and
compartmentalise your emotions, it becomes all about control. You become fully in control of your emotions
in respect as to who you let see the real you.
When I was at my lowest part of
my life barely anyone knew and if they did; they had truly no idea how far
down the rabbit hole to depression- and yes, suicidal thoughts - I had fallen.
Because I did not let them see.
There were reasons, and more
reasons, as to why I became this way.
But that is the way I was. For
decades.
On the outside, I was happy.
Smiling. Easy going. On the inside, I was far from that.
The brain is a clever thing. But it can also deceive you.
Because it turns out that if you try
to convince the outside world for long enough that you are happy and not sad,
you start to believe your own lie. And when
you do that, something else happens.
You stop feeling.
Not completely. You still
function. You still laugh. You still go out. You still have conversations and
live your life.
I remember with absolute clarity
one day - thankfully a good ten years ago – when I realised that I was not
feeling. Because that one day, the world
decided to let me.
I was walking down the street
with my dog, sunshine on my face, with a night out with friends ahead of
me. I suddenly realised that I felt happy. That I was excited for the night ahead. I felt it.
The next second after, it hit
me. I could not remember the last time I
felt a positive emotion. Actually felt
one. It felt like I had been living in a
dark cave for over a decade and had crawled out, finally escaping into sunlight.
That day was the first day, of
many, of the path back to myself.
I regained my ability to feel
again and I am truly happy in my life, yet I still try to hide my
emotions. I was still so tied to the idea
that people shouldn’t experience me experiencing negative emotions. I had to put my good side forward. Even after healing so much of myself, that
was a hard one to break. It was locked
in.
Then, perimenopause hit.
Suddenly, the control was gone.
Emotions hit where they pleased
and there was no hiding them. It was impossible. When I am sad, it shows. When I am angry, it shows.
Perimenopause gives no fucks
frankly. You feel when you feel. If your body wants to cry, you are damn well
crying. If your body decides you are angry
or frustrated, people know about it.
And you know what? It is liberating as hell.
Firstly, because I know that
these emotions are hormonal. They are
not because of any pain or sadness. That
is behind me. I’ve dealt with that. Which
makes feeling them is easier, because my body is doing what my body is choosing
to do. I am not actually sad, or
angry. It is my hormones. It will pass.
My hormones are in control of me
right now. Not my brain. Which means, the control that I desperately held
on to for decades was gone. I am free
from the walls that I built. There is
nothing but dust left.
What perimenopause has given me,
surprisingly, is freedom. Because I can
no longer, and frankly do not want to, hide my emotions anymore; they are
forced out. Which means people see me and
want to check that I am ok, I answer honestly.
I do not hide and say, “Oh I am fine!” and smile.
There is a lot of temporary stress
in my life at the moment, which will be sorted and will pass, but is not
helping my hormones. So I am letting, for
the first time in my life, my hormones rule me.
I let myself stress out and have a
mini meltdown. Because I feel better
afterwards. I let myself cry if I need
to. Because I feel better afterwards. If I need to talk or vent I do. Because I feel better afterwards.
Perimenopause has set me free
from the constraints that I imposed on myself in showing emotion and my life is
better as a result.
What life has taught me in the
past few years is look for the positives and embrace them. Because they are always there if you look
hard enough.
And surprisingly, this is the
benefit of perimenopause.
It took away my control. And gave me my freedom.
