Being an Emotional Succubus

I have talked a lot about self
confidence, self esteem and self worth on this blog, and my previous
one.

All things that I have lacked in my
life and have strived to achieve. Progression has been slow, but constant.

But today, I want to talk about how the
above affects the people in our life. How the things that we think that we lack,
can drain the people around us and those that we love.

The thing about having a lack of self worth is that it can also create self absorption.  You are so wrapped up in how you feel like that you are not enough, that you drain those around you.  

The "Do I look ok?" repeated a thousand times before a night out, never believing the response of yes.  The feeling like everyone's eyes are on you when you are out in public.  Do you think that you are that important?

Rejecting or not believing that someone loves you because you think that you are not good enough for them.  Never for a second considering the hoops that you make people jump through to prove it.  The disbelief and utter rejection of what they feel.  

If you push people away enough and stay in your safe bubble, which is not safe and it is toxic; this can only lead to them leaving you ultimately as they cannot cope, understandably, with your negativity.  Only for you to think that you have been proven right.  That they didn't love you, or want you, after all.

I have been guilty of all of the above for years.  OK.  Decades.

I have been an emotional succubus.

It is only now, at this stage in my life that I can admit that my lack of self worth, self confidence and lack of happiness over the years has, to put it bluntly, been a massive pain for my friends and those who love me and want to love me.  Because I have made it SO DAMN HARD to do so.

So where am I now?  

I am in love.  With a wonderful man.  I have been with him for the past two and a half years.  For most of which I have felt not good enough for him.  That he was too good for me.  That he didn't really find me attractive, he just thought he did and one day he would realise he didn't.  

But with real happiness, comes realisation.  Stepping away from your insecurities and actually listening, watching and acknowledging will always reveal the truth.  Even when you run so fast away from it because you cannot believe it.

He has never been one for compliments.  My lack of self confidence whispered to me that it was because he didn't find me attractive.  Now I see the look in his eyes when he looks at me.  The passion when he touches me.  That doesn't change whether I am dressed up and with a full face of makeup, or bare faced and in pyjamas.

After we exchanged our first "I love yous" I didn't really believe it.  Because he says it rarely.  But now I see and feel the love he has for me in his actions, the way he treats me and the way he pulls me close for a cuddle.  The way he looks at me and touches my face.

This is love.  Real love.  I feel cherished. And I nearly missed it.  I nearly ignored it and dismissed it.  I won't make that mistake again.  

So what lessons have I learned?

Maya Angelou said "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".  I always took that quote to mean that when someone shows you their bad side, believe it.  But now I acknowledge that this phrase has a double meaning.

When someone tells you they love you and shows it, believe them.  If someone says you look nice, accept the compliment.  If someone wants you in their life as their friend, it is because they like you, not because they pity you.

I know just how damn hard it is to believe that you are not enough.  The pain that you feel can overwhelm you and take over your life.  But now I realise how painful it also is for the people around you.  To be rejected, disbelieved, unacknowledged, dismissed.

So the advice that I would give to a younger me and anyone who feels like they are not enough is this.

Believe the words and feelings of those you trust.  Those you love.  They will not lie to you or steer you wrong.  Open yourself up.  Stop being so damn self absorbed that you reject happiness and love offered to you.  

You are enough, and so are those around you.  Believe them.  When do you, your world will change and that happiness you never though that you would have?  You find it.

Taking A Step Away

After some reflection, I
think that I am going to have a break away from Twitter.

I need to take some time away
from the conversations I have there, on the subjects that I do.  My views have not changed and they will not
change, but Twitter is a beast that can control and take over you sometimes and
I feel that this is a step I need to take.

I feel like I have talked about
and been in the grip of talking about trans issues, self ID and Mermaids/the
Tavistock and children every day for a couple of years now and I have forgotten
that there are other things, other subjects. 

I get so angry sometimes at the
things I read that it changes my day for the negative, usually before 9.00am and
that is not healthy, especially when I have to be careful with myself with
regard to mental health.

I also get so embroiled that
sometimes I do not think before I post and say things that I regret.

A good friend reminded me yesterday
that there are real people behind Twitter handles.  A friend that I have hurt by a couple of
things I have retweeted/said.  Because I
was still embroiled in the details over the Tavistock case, I retweeted and
allowed myself to become part of hurtful language that I would not wish upon myself.  I did not think clearly when I posted and I
regret the language used.

To qualify what I mean, I
retweeted someone saying “it is not grooming to expect an 11 year old to know
about orgasms you absolute weirdos”.  I
called them fucking insane.

If I had looked back at their
previous tweets, I would have known that they were talking about specifically
about sex education.  It is important
that children learn about their bodies and understand what sex is, if for no
other reason than to understand if an adult did something to them, that they
would know that it was wrong.

What I don’t believe and this is
the hill I was coming from, is that children cannot possibly understand (or be
expected to understand) the concept of losing something that they have never experienced.  In this case, an orgasm.  I can’t believe I am talking about children
in relation to this, but this is where we are at.

Children as young as ten which is
what was discussed in the Keira Bell case, are being asked to consent to puberty
blockers with the long reaching possible outcomes not properly explained to
them.  Subjects that they cannot possibly
understand at that age.  Loss of fertility,
lack of growth of genitalia, potential loss of orgasm, vaginal atrophy etc.

I believe that this is wrong.  But I do not believe that using words such as
grooming, abuse and pedophilia is right, correct or just.   Using such words makes me no better than
those who would abuse me and others online. 

Specifically in this case I did
not look at the content of this woman’s tweet, which was specifically about
education and instead jumped to attack, retweeting her words and calling her
insane.  That was wholly wrong.

We, or at least I in this
conversation have forgotten that it is healthy for children to learn about
their bodies.  I have fallen so far down
the rabbit hole of what the Tavistock is doing, that I could not see anything
else.  

I’ve hurt a friend because of
this and I’m truly sorry.

So I’m taking a step away from
Twitter and the conversation for a while. 
When I come back, I hope to re engage with the conversation and still
continue to fight for what I believe; but without some of the vitriol I have
used in the past and recently.

See you all in a while.