If I were asked to think of someone who I would like to physically resemble, I would have said Rachel Weisz. But now I’ve changed my mind. I want to look like a Daily Mail reader, specifically, one who writes some of the comments.
Now the elusive Daily Mail reader has never been seen out in the open. From comments made though we can begin to deduce what they must look like.
Here’s a profile:
Given various comments made with regard to “huge nose”, “needs plastic surgery”, “would need a bag over their head to be attractive” “ugly”, “disgusting to look at” etc etc it can only be deduced that the Daily Mail reader has perfect features, albeit features that would not be so perfect as to be labelled “too bloody good looking for their own good” or “vain” or “must be a slut”.
Again, after perusal of the comments it is impossible to accurately guess the size and weight of a Daily Mail reader, other than it is “just right”. Things therefore that cannot be said about a Daily Mail reader’s body are “you need to eat more pies love” “Fetch a harpoon” “Must have had a boob job” “Tits like a sparrow”, “disgusting” “intolerable” “can’t even look at” “a bad role model” etc.
As with the facial features however, we must also note that the Daily Mail reader’s body cannot be so perfect as to then be described as “whore” “vain” “who the hell does she think she is” “must have had plastic surgery”.
Given the above, I have finally come to a decision of what the Daily Mail reader looks like. EVERYONE ELSE.
No one has the perfect face. No one has the perfect body. No one has any right to criticise the way that someone else looks.
So whilst I cannot accurately describe the physical features of a Daily Mail reader, their personality traits should be seen from a mile away. Look out for rude, obnoxious, insecure, under confident and, if one of them ever reads this, probably angry and already writing a comment below of how I should lose weight, wear a bag over my head, live in a hole underground so I can’t be seen and hold up a sign apologising for the way I look.