A Shoe In

I have always loved shoes.  Specifically the Mary Jane kind.  Even when my whole wardrobe was black, I always had beautiful shoes, usually in a bright colour to detract from the black on my body.

Shoes are easy to fall in love with.  You walk into a shop or browse online and suddenly there they are, the perfect pair.  You fall a little bit in love.  The trouble is, they don't fall in love with you.  You make the compromises in the relationship.

I have always had various issues with the shoes that I wear.  My fit veers between an E and EE fitting so finding nice ones can be hard.  My balance is not the best (to say the least) so heel height is a problem.  I can't wear pointed shoes because of my issue with staircases.

That said, for the right pair of shoes I have always ignored these issues.  I have squeezed my feet into shoes that were too narrow, but were beautiful.  I have bought heels too high for my comfort because they were fabulous.

I was looking my shoe cupboard this weekend and there were so many shoes that I no longer wear or have never worn because I bought after falling in love, but in reality that just were not practical. A major clear out was in order and by the end, I have gotten rid of nine pairs of shoes.  Sob!

I decided that I needed a new philosophy when it comes to my shoe buying.  They can still be beautiful, but I need to be able to wear them in comfort.  Not in pain and not compromising what I can actually walk in without falling over.

Here are some that I am currently looking at:

I love these Vans Shoes from Skate Hut.  I would wear these on a casual weekend with jeans or alternatively, they would look great with a casual black dress.  There is no reason why you can't wear casual shoes with a nice dress.  I have seen Callie from From the Corners of the Curve do this really well.

I am just about to buy these wedges from SimplyBe as they will perfect for the summer.  Black which goes with anything, a wedge which negates some of the heel height and a good grip sole (which is it about summer sandals that have really slippery soles???)

These nude fit loafers from Evans are perfect for work and look so stylish and comfortable.  

These knee high boots from Yours and are available (like all the shoes I have featured in this post) available in an E fit.  With a heel height of 3 inches which is a manageable height, these boots with go wonderfully with a lovely dress or will style up a pair of jeans.

Those are my current picks for shoes that work with my limitations, whilst still being stylish and gorgeous.

Chic Swimwear To Suit Every Shape

Having total confidence while sporting your swimwear isn’t a matter of flipping a switch and deciding you’re ready to bare all at the beach. It’s about finding the exact right swimsuit for your body shape, one that makes you feel comfortable and stylish all at the same time.

This usually involves one of my favourite things – trying on all the swimsuits you can to see what works best for you. To get started, here are a few of my favourite cuts and styles, with variations that look great on just about everyone.

Tankini

I love a good tankini because it has all the fun and flare of a two piece but the coverage of a one piece. There are a wide selection of different styles in this year’s swimwear range from Figleaves, not least because you can mix and match with different coloured bottoms or go with the classic set. Tankinis are especially great if you love wearing a two piece but aren’t totally comfortable showing off your stomach. Think of it as training wheels for a bikini once you’ve got your beach confidence up, but it’s still a perfectly lovely option on its own.

Classic bikini

You don’t have to be a specific size to wear a bikini – these swimwear staples are for everybody. That said, they come in about as many shapes and sizes as you can think of, and the different styles can be used to accentuate different parts of your body.

There are bandeau tops for women with smaller busts and sturdier tops with underwire to help support larger ones. Halter necks are great for cutting lines into wider shoulders, while boy shorts provide maximum coverage in the hip area. But above all, it’s about wearing what you want, and looking amazing while you do it.

Swim-dress

It’s a swimsuit, it’s a dress, it’s a swim-dress! Swim dresses are not only adorable but incredibly versatile – that whole I-don’t-feel-comfortable-wearing-my-bikini-to-the-shop problem is no longer a thing. Plus, its flowy cut will taper away from the body and give you more room to breathe. Swim-dresses like this cute, spotty one from Sainsbury’s swimwear line give you enough coverage to transition from beach- or pool-side to back-on-the-street in, well, no time at all.

High waisted bikini

High waisted bikinis are essentially tankinis but in reverse. You’ve got much of the coverage of a one piece, but the fun of a two, except the coverage this time is coming from the bottom. They ooze retro glamour while still being ultra-contemporary, especially when you add a cute print or flash of bling into the mix. What’s more is, you’ve still got the versatility of bikini tops, so if you want to highlight your upper half while maintaining a little more coverage below, you’re in good hands.

One piece

Ah, the classic all-rounder. Everyone looks good in a one piece swimsuit. That’s because they come in so many shapes and sizes. You can wear a one piece with a low V in the front or the back, high up on your hips, with a ruched middle or cut-outs along the sides. Whatever you fancy, there’s a one piece to suit your body type. I can pretty much guarantee it.

The more swimsuit types you’ve got on hand in your closet, the better. What’s your favourite poolside style?

Strong Women

One of the best decisions I have ever  made was joining the plus size blogging community.  At its core, the plus size community is an inspiration and a home for women and men who have been told by society that we are not enough because of our size.  

This community shouts back that we will always be enough.  That we deserve the same respect as everyone else.  It gives confidence and brings people out of their shell, letting them be the person that they were always meant to be.

I have met many amazing people in this community.  One of those people is the beautiful Em of Terrible Tumbles  I hope that she will forgive me for gushing, but Em is one of those people that lights up a room.  Not in a beauty way (although she is such a gorgeous girl) but the way her soul shines out of her. She is warm, caring and utterly lovely.  You feel instantly comfortable in her presence, even those of us who are awkward in social situations, like me.  You feel at home with her straight away.

I have cheered her on from the sidelines as I have seen her go from strength to strength with her blog and I was very honoured to be part of her most recent blog post, a series of two called "Too Much?".

As women, we are often put under pressure to act or be a certain way.  You have to be a certain size, have a certain demeanor.  The goal posts are forever changing and I for one, have struggled, and failed to keep up.  One day I realised that the only person who should set my my goal posts, is me.

The "too much" criticism I get is that I am too opinionated.  But after having no voice for most of my life due to a lack of confidence, a fear of not being accepted and a pressure to confirm to what society thought that I should look like, say and be; I decided that enough was enough.  I would be myself.  I have an opinion, about many things, that much is true.  I have a passionate in what I think and believe.  I learn and change every day due to conversing with others.  This is who I am.

I am very proud to be a part of Em's post, especially alongside so many strong women who are confident in who they are, are not afraid to be exactly who they are and unashamedly march to the beat of their own drum.

I cannot wait to read the second post in the series and read about other strong women.  Who runs the world?  Girls.

Style Through the Decades

I get the same bus to work every day.

My journey to work is filled with people watching as the bus passes by people on the street and (discreetly of course!) looking around at my fellow bus passengers; trying to guess who they are and what their day holds from the way they are dressed.

There are two people that always catch my eye.  An old lady, must be at least 85 years old, gets on the bus every Wednesday morning.  Where she goes to, I do not know, but I am always fascinated by the way she dresses.

Her highly polished black court shoes with a tiny heel.  A little hat on her head with a beautiful hat pin. A smart coat (blue for Summer, red for Winter) and a black leather gloves.  She always looks immaculately dressed and like she has stepped right out of a 1950s novel.

I can imagine her in her younger years dressed like this:

Whilst I see the occasional elderly lady dressing this way, more often it is the elderly gentleman who have stuck to the more formal styles of the 1940s and 50s.  Everything from a suit with waist coat or a tie, to the jumper, tie and shirt combination.  There is one elderly gentleman who waits at the same bus stop every day; standing there with his bowler hat, beige coloured army style mac and a suit.  He is obviously far too old to be going to work.  Yet this is how he dresses every day.  I love it.

Back in the 1940s and 50s it was common place to look smart when you went out.  The hair was done, the shoes shined, the good coat on, the dress or the suit immaculate.

Years go by, society changes and styles evolve.  I remember asking my mum when I was 7 or 8 (and she was 46 or 47) why she did not wear jeans or trousers and her scandalized face that she would even think of wearing anything but a dress or a skirt.  For her, at that time, it was not the done thing.  

Whilst I am glad that times have now moved on to the point where my now 76 year old mother isn't adverse to wearing a pair of jeans or smart trouser;, I cannot help but mourn for the bygone era where you dressed up when you were leaving the house or going on a journey.

Each year I see less and less of the elderly women and gentleman with the smart clothing, dressed up to the nines; even if they were just going to the post office.

I look ahead towards the future and wonder what younger generations will think of us.  Will we be  the generation of  tracksuit bottoms?  I hope not.  I have made a pledge to myself that I will always dress smartly when I leave the house, whether I am 37 years old or 87.  We cannot let our grandparents' generation down.  Style is timeless.

Styling the Opposite Sex

The way that we dress and the things that we choose to wear are a reflection on our personalities.  These days, this is as true for men's fashion as it is for women.  

Geek, goth, emo, classic, hipster, sports fanatic, punk; they are all represented and are clearly definable. 

I remember a few years ago now when a male friend of mine challenged me to go shopping with him and few up some new outfits for him to wear.  I felt like I was entering into a foreign land.  I am so used to choosing outfits based on what will enhance and suit a woman's body; the concept of choosing men's clothing, more personality orientated that body aware was something new for me.

I did not do too badly however, although he might disagree as he had spent £500 by the end of it!

But men of course, like women, have their challenges too.  Maintaining their style with a fuller figure, sourcing clothes that will fit taller than average bodies.

With that in mind, my friend recently challenged me to come up with an outfit for a larger man.  So here in my idea of an outfit for a winter's day.

Men's Parkas £100.00

Joe Brown's Funnel Neck Jumper £45.00

Lambretta Recharge Jeans £55.00

Trustyle Chelsea Boots £30.00 - perfect match with the Joe Brown's jumper!

So fellas, how did I do?

When One Door Closes

Only a few weeks ago I was writing about losing my beloved Rosie, who had died a couple of weeks before.  Seven months before that, I was writing about my gorgeous Ellie 

For the first time in over twenty plus years, we found ourselves in a house without a dog family member.  Strange is not the word to describe.  Empty is.

The sounds that you are used to hearing of a dog emerging from the back of the sofa, the eyes down walk you have around the house to avoid stepping on dogs/toys/water bowls.  That friend that would always know when you were upset and were the best comfort.  The friend who gave you so much unconditional love.  

The house, and we, needed a dog in our lives.

We started very slowly looking around and thinking about getting another dog.  Still grieving and unsure if we were ready.   The thing is, when is the right time?  We have so much love to give and that does not diminish the love that we had for our other dogs.  They will never be forgotten.

Benji -My sweet boy with the under shot jaw who always looked like he was smiling.  He had good a good nature.

Sophie - The little princess who followed my mum around everywhere she went.  She loved to sit on the back of the chair, looking regal.  My mum's favourite.

Cindy - Taken from us soon but who gave us such joy.  I still hear her jumping from my mum's bed and bounding down the hallway when I called her name, ready for play or cuddles.

Ellie - My baby.  Stubborn, precocious, contrary, wonderful.  Getting a kiss from her was like winning an Oscar, but she came every day to me for a cuddle.

Rosie - All she wanted in the world was love, and to sit with me/on me, near me.  She was protective over her sister Ellie and loved us so much.

Now it is nearly six weeks since we lost our lovely Rosie and there is a new addition to the house.  Meet Simba.

We found Simba the Shih Tzu in an advert on Gumtree.  People who loved him but due to changing work commitments, no longer had enough time for him and he was stuck in a cage all day.  We went to see him and a few days later he was ours.

He is loving, fun and a bit daft.  He fits right in.

A thousand comfortable places in the house, but he likes the fireplace to sleep on.

Typical boy.

Somewhere he likes to chill out on,  My handbag.  Go figure.

Think he needs a trim!

Confidence is Key

This weekend I went to the Curve Fashion Festival.  I will be talking about that in a later post, but first, I wanted to talk about the plus size community as a whole and what you receive from it.

You start out, much like I did, by discovering plus size fashion blogs and positivity.  Slowly, your wardrobe changes, your confidence to wear what you want, not what you think you should wear starts to progress and take shape.

Along with finding confidence in myself and what I wore, along the way I picked up something else, courage.

The courage not to cross a road when you encounter a group of people, just in case they are mean to you.  The courage to go out and do something on your own, without having to have someone with you or needing to speak to someone every step of the way.

Before I found the plus size community, other than in my home town, I never went anywhere on my own.  I wouldn't say that I was afraid, more that I just knew that I could not do it.  I did not have the courage to take those journeys without someone being there.

I remember a couple of years ago being asked to go to an event in London.  It was the launch of new plus size collection in Soho and I really, really wanted to go.  But travelling to London?  Finding my way around on my own?  Staying over?  My courage disappeared.

So what did I do?  I looked at all the plus size bloggers, all those who inspired me in their confidence, their style, the way that they were not afraid to go out into the world and live it.  I took the inspiration they gave me and went to London.  I came back a different person.  They helped to create a new me.  A more courageous me.  Someone who was not afraid to go out there and LIVE.

Which brings me back to the Curve Fashion Festival.  After spending many hours in the company of amazing women, especially the wonderful Kate Willshaw and the fabulous Stephanie Cummings (thank you again for the phone battery charge!) I was left with a couple of hours in Liverpool.  What to do?

The old me would have gotten a taxi to the train station and stayed there for two hours.  The new me?  She went out and saw a bit of Liverpool.  In a bright yellow dress, enough red lipstick to last me a decade and a smile on my face; I headed out.

A stroll along the Albert Docks, The Tate, a pirate ship (sadly my damn picture didn't come out) and the Echo Wheel of Liverpool.  A wonderful day.

Lashes from Doll Beauty 

What to Wear to a Wedding

Every year we inevitably see a certain kind of envelope drop through the post box.  The wedding invitation.  

For me, the first question I ask myself is "What am I going to wear?"  I read an article in Cosmopolitan recently that answered many of the questions that we ask ourselves when choosing a wedding guest outfit.

Much of the advice I agreed with (no long white dresses, nothing see through; no jeans); but other tips such as no animal prints, I was not so sure of.  There is no reason why you cannot be fashion forward or wear a strong print at a wedding, it is just a case choosing the right dress.

Wedding Appropriate                               Keep for the Club

I have picked out some of my favourite dresses that I would wear when attending a wedding.  All of them can be carried through from day to evening and as this is a plus size fashion blog, I have ensured that you can find dresses from a 10 to a 32.

David Nieper Uncrushable Tunic Dress
10-24     £135.00

This is a very classic style dress that will take you from day to evening and is also made from an uncrushable fabric, meaning no creases after sitting in church pews or a very long best man's speech!

Asos Curve Fit & Flare Dress

16-30 £55.00

You cannot go wrong with a classic black and white dress.  I love the lines on this dress and the pleating will look amazing when twirling around on a dance floor!

SimplyBe Print Up Down Hem Belted Dress
10-32 £25.00

This is the boldest choice of my dresses.  It will look gorgeous on a sunny day and is must for a fashion maven wedding.

House of Fraser Studio 8 Aliona Dress
12-28 £175.00

Who doesn't love a little bit of sparkle with a wedding.  This beautiful dress has sparkle without being too flashy and I love the light green colour.

Which one would you choose?

Work Wear to Party Wear

Hi there!  It has been so long since I have done an outfit post that I thought that it was high time that I pulled my finger out!

Today I am talking about the conundrum that is work wear to party wear.  You know the scenario, it has been a long week in the office and the suggestion goes round to go out for a couple of drinks on Friday.  Now if your workplace is anything like mine, those couple of drinks after work can easily turn into you being on the dance floor at 1am wondering how the hell you got there. 

The question is, what do you wear?  I for one do not want to be carting party dresses and shoes to work.  When we tend to out after work, that means straight after work, so I do not want to be messing around changing clothes and changing my makeup.  So what to take?

For me I like to wear an outfit that can be changed up to suit any scenario, be it the quiet couple of glasses of wine envisaged, or the party animal on the dance floor with a cocktail.  

So my after work checklist runs simply to bringing my eyeliner with me (I would recommend the Nars Larger Than Life longwear eyeline which goes on like a dream and really does long all day), some concealer and a couple of accessories.

This is an outfit that I have worn on one of my Friday night jaunts, the outfit being changed up simply be unbuttoning a few buttons, taking off my cardigan and adding a necklace.

Sleeveless Shirt Dress £30.00

Fit is true to size (I am wearing a 26)

The length on the site size 37" but I would say it more like a 39"

Cardigan - old from SimplyBe

Peep Toe Shoe Boots E Fit £24.00

Heel height at 2 1/2 inches - perfect when you have a long day/night

Necklace - vintage - charity shop

Why I'm Done With Disclaimers

*At this point I would usually go with "Beware, this is a long read"  But I am done with disclaimers.  Read or don't read.  It is up to you.

Go to any article about women, feminism; crimes against women; tv shows or films with female leads and you will run into trolls or MRAs.  Usually both.  

After a few years of engaging and getting angry myself (I know I should avoid the comment sections but I cannot help myself), I have tried a change of tactic.  Amusement. I laugh as the insults get worse, the comments become more and more "But women bad, men good!". 

Recently I made a comment on Facebook on an article from the Guardian about who should be the next James Bond.  There was a spoof piece written in the Guardian entitled "Forget Idris Elba, It's Time for a Lesbian Bond  Clearly a satire piece and one that I found funny.  

Whilst some took it in the humour it was intended, there was the inevitable backlash of PC gone mad, feminazis at it again, don't fuck with Bond bitches!  

I commented "Jesus people, it is satire.  Don't worry.  Your Bond will remain the misogynistic asshole he has always been".  I wasn't actually intending to provoke a reaction, that thought went straight from head to keyboard.  But, all hell broke lose.

Long story short, I ended up deciding to have fun with it and play a game of troll bingo.  In 89 comments on my little sentence, I had points on the board for triggered, feminazi, overweight, lonely, cat lady, man hater and my favourite. obnoxiously mouthy.

via GIPHY

That is the funny side of the comment section.

Then, and this is the point of my blog post today, you find the #notallmen crowd.  The #whataboutmen crowd.  The "I'm going to ignore this horrible crime that happened to this woman, but look at what happened to this man one time five years ago" crowd.  The "you didn't mention men in this article/post/quote so therefore you are a misandrist" crowd.  The "feminist doesn't mean equality, look what this woman said 15 years ago" crowd.

A woman was raped "Men get raped too you know and false rape accusations are rampant".  A woman was beaten by her partner "Not all men".  A woman was murdered "women kill men too".

Hell, you can't even win a gold medal without your husband being given all of the credit.  You might not even have your name used, you are just called someone's wife

Time and time again you see the entire comments section filled with arguments that have nothing to do with the article, filled instead with "yes I know bad things happen to men too" conversations.  Those of us who dare to question the diverting tactics are immediately labelled man haters.

Now it is all over social media.  You cannot say anything about being a woman, inspiring women or anything that happens to women without being told that you should have mentioned a man.  Proof?

On Saturday night, after another "you got nothing to be vain about bitch" comment on a selfie, I posted:

"A woman having confidence is not the worst thing in the world.  You know what is? The people who tell her she shouldn't have any"

Nothing wrong with that as far as I can tell.  Nothing derogatory against anyone, other than the people who do that.  Something uplifting for women to remember.

However.  I received a message, that I did not understand, telling me in a series that I was trolling men and I was a man hater.  This did not come from a troll or the usual MRA fuckwit.  This was a regular (I thought) person.

I read and reread my tweet, looking for answers.  I asked why they thought the above, only for them to resend my message back to me, asking me to reread it.  I was completely oblivious as to why my tweet came across as anti men.

Today, I read my tweet again, together with the conversation that followed.  It dawned.  Dawned in a way that made me want to smack my head against a wall.  The reason they had a problem with my message was that it did not include that men should have confidence too.

I am done with this shit.  I am done with this whiny want of inclusion of men in every single thing about women.  We are seemingly not allowed to say anything about ourselves, without first acknowledging that some man, somewhere, has experienced it too.  

If you cannot get through a tweet, an article, a comment about women without crying "what about men"; I cannot be arsed with you any longer.  I will no longer engage.  You are not worthy of my time, in the comments sections or on social media.

Women are not required to mention you in every section of their lives. We do not need to pander to your insecurities any longer.  If your response to an article about a woman being raped is "Men are raped too" you are a pathetic excuse of a human being.  

If you cannot read a comment about a woman having confidence without thinking "Why didn't she mention men having confidence" I can't help you.  Reassess your fucking priorities.   I'm done.

I'm out.  

A Midnight Crisis of Confidence

You will have to forgive me.  This is a 12am post.  So not thought out, not rewritten or checked for confused sentences.  Just me.  Talking.  Panicking a little.

I have been very lazy of late when it comes to talking about body confidence on this blog.  That is something I am not happy about, because it is SO important to me.

As a fat woman, I have had a great year in terms of body confidence.  In truth, there has been so much going on in my life that it hasn't crossed my mind that much. Proof of just how far I have come.

Sure, I have momentary relapses, curled into myself when I have received derogatory comments, noticed the stares that were not complementary; but they have paled into insignificance with what has been going on with my life.  Mostly downs to be honest, for the past couple of years, although now, I am starting to see the sunshine again.

But, my midnight crisis confidence, 

I am a little scared.  A lot unsure.

I recently signed up for a year long thermal spa experience.  8 times a year which does wonders for relaxation.  So far, it has been with family and friends.  The spa is fabulous and although mixed sexes, I have, in the most part, felt comfortable in myself and ok with walking around in my swimsuit around others.  A good thing.

A couple of weeks ago I decided that I needed some spa time.  Just me.  Floating around in the jucazzi, staring at the stars in the ceiling in the dark relaxation swimming pool.  Perfect.  I booked my solo appointment, for tomorrow; without much of a thought, except for excitement of having a lovely couple of hours chilling out.

But, suddenly, the day has come.  The thought of walking around, on my own, in a mixed thermal spa experience in my swimsuit, terrifies me.  Do I feel any less because of who I am and what I look like? No. Do I take a scared breath at the thought of others looking at me, with judgemental eyes (as is inevitable at a spa from both sexes); yes.  A lot.

My safety blanket of a friend being there is not there.  I did not realise until tonight just how much I relied on someone else being there.  Someone to talk to when you see a judgemental stare, a derogatory glance.  I will exposed.  Nowhere to hide my insecurity.

So will I be the fat woman alone in the spa, hiding in the dark relaxation pool for cover, or will I be the woman who doesn't care, sitting in the jacuzzi actually enjoying some me time.  I don't know yet.

This is a far bigger step than I ever realised.  All safety nets gone.  Exposed.  Alone,  In one way I am excited.  Confident that I can meet this challenge ahead.  In another, I am so scared.

I am not the person that is able to talk easily with strangers.  I am odd.  I am going to be the fat woman alone in her swimsuit.  Experience tells me that this is not going to be easy. But I am more than just my body.  

So send me your steely looks.  Your don't give a fuck attitude.  Your "yes I am fat woman in a swimsuit" confidence.  

My screw you confidence may be waning today, but my stubborn "I will not hide" attitude is still full throttle. 

I am scared, as hell actually now I think about it, but I will do this.

Dressed to the Max

I was recently invited to go out with a group of friends for a Saturday afternoon jaunt.  We are talking cocktails in the afternoon in the city, dinner somewhere fabulous, more cocktails in the evening. Right up my street.

But my second thought after replying hell yes is "What am I going to wear?".

A posh part of the city, later afternoon to early (or more likely late) evening; comfortable enough to deal with the hour's travel there and back; stylish enough to work as an evening outfit, casual enough not to look overdressed at 3.00pm.

My decision?  A maxi dress.  A maxi dress can and does tick all the right boxes for what I want.  Here are a few that I have been looking at.

I am loving this Braintree Dress  It just screams Summer and can be worn with either flats or heels.  I particularly love the waist detailing and at £60.00, it won't break the bank.

OK.  I admit it,  This dress is not on brief at all.  But just look at it.  This piece of gorgeousness can be found from Maiocci and it is an absolute steal at £59.40.

Another flower print dress, you know how I love them.  Although beautiful, I think this one is leaning more to the formal side than the casual.  Although I may keep this mind for any Summer weddings.  You can find it here on sale for £62.30.

You cannot go wrong with black and white and I love the Aztec feel of this dress.  It is priced at a very reasonable £34.50 and you can find it at the House of Fraser 

So, which one should I pick?

Good Memories

Clothes, are not just clothes.  They hold memories.  Good ones, bad ones, great ones, momentous ones.  

A first kiss, a last kiss; a great night out with the girls, a New Years Eve to remember; the day that even a scathing laugh at your size could not kill the "I feel fabulous in this dress".  

Every night I go through my wardrobe (ok, two wardrobes) and choose what dress I want to wear to work the next day.  Tonight, I came across this dress.

This dress has wonderful memories for me.  It is the first dress I ever wore (in my adult years when I had a choice) that was patterned.  Had bright colours.  Was feminine and floaty and beautiful.  

Up until that point, my entire wardrobe was black.  I remember choosing to wear it for a party, terrified that everyone was going to be looking at me, the wrong way.  I took forever to get ready; changing accessories, changes cardigan; changing my hair,; changing my makeup.

I had decided to use the dress for a blog post, seen here, and you can see the joy on my face when I wore this dress.  The wonderment that I was even wearing it.  I went to the party and felt amazing.  After the initial shock of seeing me in something that was not all black, my friends loved it.

That was just over three years ago now.  Although years in time, it feels like decades.  I wish it wish.

I have changed into a different person in that time.  Someone who isn't afraid of wearing what I want.  Someone who wears a dress every day, so different from the black pants, black top girl that was invisible.  I am not invisible anymore, certainly not in the different pattern I wear every single day.

But is more than that, I no longer want to be invisible.  I want to be seen.  This is part of who I am.  I would not have it any other way.

Don't wait, like I did until you are 33 to wear the clothes you want.  To feel that you are allowed to.  To feel confident.  To say "to hell with what (some) others think".  

Clothes are not just clothes.  They are a physical manifestation of our personalities.  You have one.  Let it SHINE.

Description of a Dark Day

I'm at the start of a dark day.  I can feel it.  The darkness, sweeping in, avoidable; like the tide coming in on a beach.

If you have never suffered from depression, it is hard to understand.  I am lucky.  I get these days, rather than weeks or months.  They happen now and again and they do not affect my life, much.  I am thankful for that.

Earlier in my life, I went through a couple of years experiencing the darkness of depression.  I would not wish  it on anyone.  So I am thankful.  Because I know how bad it can feel.

But, this is not the point of this post.  The point is how to explain what a dark day feels, to someone who doesn't understand depression.  How you can have been having a fantastic day and then suddenly, it hits.  The swift downward spiral.  The way the next day, I am back to myself.

So let me try and explain.  *This is only from my view point.  How I feel.  What I experience.  It is different for everyone.

A deep seated sadness overwhelms you.  There is no rhyme or reason.  You could have been having the best day in the world. and then it hits.  

Your heart hurts.  Your soul hurts.  Fot that time, you question whether you are really happy at all.  Whether your life is just a mask to cover the hurt that is overwhelming you.  You cry. A lot. 

You are scared.  That maybe this time. the pain will stick.  That you will get stuck in this world of hurt.  That you cannot escape.  

You are angry.  Because the day before, you were happy.  Maybe even an hour before.  A minute. There is no logic behind it and for a logical person like me, this infuriates you.  You want to break it down and rationalize how you are feeling.  But you cannot rationalize depression.

It is the kind of pain where you feel that nothing can save you.  Your head is a black hole and you are falling down it; desperately trying to grab hold of something to stop your descent, but nothing is there.  

You feel guilty.  So guilty.  Especially if you are normally happy.  If you have a great life.  You see so much suffering in the world and you think to yourself "Why do I feel like this?  Others have truly terrible lives." That you are somehow indulging in a first world, inconsequential thing.  Except it isn't inconsequential.

Again I say that I am lucky.  Because when I had my couple of years of this, I understood why people tried to hurt themselves.  Cut themselves in order to feel.  Because I did it myself.  I am lucky because what I did, didn't leaves scars.  Yet again though. I feel guilty.  Because if I had truly wanted to hurt myself, there would be scars.  Feeling guilty because my pain did not leave a mark, Fucked up, isn't it?

You develop mechanisms of coping.  You try to shield those around you from it.  Because you know they will never truly understand.  You tell yourself "Just get through this day and you will be ok".

So here I sit, typing away, telling you how my dark day feels.  It is late.  I am hopeful that tomorrow, the darkness will be gone.  I am riding that wave, the rise and fall of pain that makes you want to curl into a ball and block the world. 

But that is ok.  You are allowed to block out the world.  As long as, when you are ready, you come back it.

This is my explanation of my dark day.  Like I said, it is different for everyone.  But for those who do not experience it, but know those who do: you cannot help them.  But you can understand.  You can give them a hug.  Let them deal with it. the way they know how to; but watch for the signs that it is overwhelming them.

Depression does not define who I am.  It is a part of me that I deal with, but it does not rule me.  Have compassion.  Do not judge us.  That is all we ask.

The Funny Fat Friend

I saw a meme tonight.  When you go on the internet you see many.  Some hilarious, some make you want to beat your head repeatedly against a wall.  This was one of them.

There is a perception in society that says that if you are fat, you must compensate for it.  Whether this is dressing always in black, being on a permanent diet and hating yourself or being the kind of fat person that is the "good fat" aka hating on other fat people, the "yes I am fat but you can like me because I insult other fat people, we are horrendous I agree with you" type.

There is another "good" type of fat person.  The funny fat friend. We see it in films all the time.  Fat people playing a role, aimed at us being more "acceptable".  I have fallen into this role before.  Over compensating for my size by trying to be funny.  Trying to detract from what I look like.

You cannot hurt me if you think I am funny.  You do not need to see me as a woman, a sexual being if you can put a label on me and put me in that box.

SCREW THAT.  I am not a label.  I am not just one thing.  I do not need to "compensate" for what I look like.

This is something that has been rumbling in my head for a while now.  The people that expect fat people to be funny.  To compensate.  That people that say "Oh I bet you are funny" when trying to picture me in a friend group.

Sometimes I am funny.  Sometimes I am a bitch.  Sometimes I am quiet.  Sometimes I am fun.  I am not here on this planet to play a part or a role for someone.  I am myself and if you don't like me, that is fine.  If you don't find me attractive, that is also fine.  But I am not here for your fucking entertainment.

I am tired of the perception that if you are fat, you must compensate others.  Trade off what you look like by offering something up, like humour by way of a payment for them having to look at you.

I am enough,  You are enough, We are all enough.  Fat, funny or a fucking bitch.  We deserve to be taken for who we are.  Not treated differently or have expectations put on us because of the size of our stomach is something that you have to blank out and find something else about us to talk about.

You are enough.  Do not like ANYBODY tell you different. 

Embracing You

I saw a quote by Hugh Laurie this week that really struck a chord with me.

That is what I think about confidence.  If I had a pound for every time during my life that I have thought "When I am older, I'll be confident then" or "Maybe I would be confident if I were to change x, y and z about myself" then I would probably be a billionaire today.

NO.  Strive for confidence now.  DO NOT WAIT.

You can your whole life thinking "If only I was thinner, taller; prettier, then I will be happy", or, alternatively, you can live your life and be happy.  But how?

How do you suddenly become confident?  Well the answer is, at least it was for me, is that confidence is not an instant thing.  It takes work.  It is a journey.  You are constantly learning.  You will have off days.  But they are just bumps in a very long road that has your happiness at the end of it.

The trick for me, was to start small.  What do you think will improve your confidence?  Do you love fashion?  Start with that.  Do you love makeup? Play around.  For me, in a wardrobe full of black, it started with colourful shoes.

Next, the wardrobe.  I knew I loved colour and pattern, but going there was a long journey.  But one day....

This next photo took so much confidence, you can see the trepidation on my face.  The fear.  But I did it.  Which led me to, a couple of months ago wandering round a spa in this swimsuit without a care in the world.

 One thing that really helped me with my confidence was to do a photo shoot.  This was arranged by the utterly fabulous Pamper & Curves.  Betty Pamper was running a vintage style photoshoot and I jumped at the chance.  You can see the pictures from the shoot in the link above, but this is a selfie I took between shots.  I felt beautiful.  It was a cornerstone of finding my confidence.

But it isn't just about makeup and clothes.  Who are you?  Who is that person that you have been hiding beneath your under confident self?  Who is the person that your friends have seen glimpses of and know is there, even if you don't.

Use your voice.  Think about what drives you, what you are passionate about and start speaking out.  Be present.  You are allowed to have an opinion if you want it.  

It took a long time for me to realise that the size of my body and the way I looked did not mean that I was not entitled to speak my mind.  I realised that being fat was only a very small part of who I was.  I began to embrace the outside, love it, but also, let the real me out.  The one talking to you now.

I have seen and spoken to people who are much older in years than I who never found their confidence.  They waited for that lightening bolt that never happened.  Because you have to make it happen.

They say that a journey starts with a single step.  I say that it starts with the second step.  The first step is the want.  The second step is the drive to move forward.

Where will your journey take you?  Take that first and second step.  It is worth it.  It is beyond worth it.