Unbelievable

I didn't write this.  But it says every single thing I want to today.  Please read and more than that, please sign the petition also linked below:

fleet street fox: Unbelievable.: IMAGINE a group of people that does the worst things you can think of. People who would like to concrete the countryside, build more nucle...

Stop the badger cull - e-petitions http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/38257

A Time to Study

One of the many changes I have been making in my life of late has been a decision to start a degree.

I work full time and don't have the financial ability to quit and become a full time student.  This is one of the main reasons why I haven't thought about doing a degree before.  Someone suggested doing an Open University degree to me which could be done on a part time basis.

To be honest, before I actually looked into it, I knew next to nothing about the OU, other than hearing people's opinions on doing degrees by correspondence and over the net.  These comments have always been either quips of "It's the easy option", or have been an insistance that "it can't be a proper degree".

Always being one to find these things out for myself, I investigated.  One of my better decisions as I am now enrolled in my first year of a BSC Honours Degree in Criminology & Psychology.

The options of how to study suits me down to ground.  I chose to study at the minimum rate, for this year at least, of 25% of the amount of time spent by a full time student.  My first module is a 30 point course in an Introduction to Social Sciences, DD131.  This equates to studying 10 hours per week.

For me, considering I work full time and haven't studied anything in the past 17 years, seemed the most sensible option.

At the end of this road, which will be long and winding with many trials and tribulations I am sure, I will come out with an Honours Degree which is exactly the same as any other degree obtained from any other university. 

I certainly wouldn't count the Open University as an easy option.  Working full time and studying at the same time isn't something you would ever choose unless you are certain it is something you really want to do.  It will be hard, but it will be worth it.

Now I just have to receive my module books and study information through the post then I can start panicking and wondering the hell I have gotten myself into!

No More Tooth Hurty at 2.30

Along with millions of other people in the world, I am terrified of the dentist.  Whilst I am normally ok in most situations and can control nerves, with a dentist appointment, I feel like I am going into the lion's den.

 

Consequently this fear of the dentists lead to a ten year span of not attending.  Although I have never needed anything more than  a scrape and polish, after a bloody and painful session (together with numerous horror stories from other people having more serious procedures) this was enough for me to avoid attendance.  Over the years the fear grew, unnoticed and unchecked.

 

Two months ago however my hand was forced.  I managed to knock a tooth loose and was left with no other option but to go to the emergency dentist and ended up having to have the tooth out.  I have had two appointments since then, getting my teeth back in order and after this third appointment, a realisation had hit me.

 

Dentists aren't evil.  They aren't like they used to be.  You can have local anaesthetic.  It doesn't have to hurt.  If you are reading this and are scared of dentists, re read that line.  Because it's true.  There doesn't have to be any pain anymore.  You just need to find "your" dentist.

The dentist I had years ago was very much of the old school who focused less no making sure you weren't in pain and more on playing God with a drill in his hand. 

The lovely lady I have now explains everything that needs to be done in advance and makes sure I am calm before even going near my mouth.  I have treatments coming up soon and I already know I can have local anaesthetic if I want it and I only have to raise a hand to make anything stop.

Considering, at the moment, that I have never had anything major done to my teeth you may be laughing at me now saying "Just you wait!".  If that is true, leave me in my wonderful new dream, I beg you.

I don't want to go back to being in tears in the dentists waiting room.  So have a heart, if I'm wrong, don't tell me.

 

 

Digging My Heels In

I always thought that the hardest time when quitting smoking would be within the first month.  In one way, that is true.  The cravings are at their worst and the lure to return back to smoking is still high.

After the first month, along with reaping the physical benefits, in my case returning to being a human being in the morning instead of a scary, groggy monster, there are also the financial benefits.  Let's face it, although when I did actually smoke you couldn't have dragged it out of me on pain of death, I was spending close to £180.00 per month on cigarettes.

Looking back now, I haven't one clue as to how I afforded that.  Well, in truth, I didn't, I just cut back on every other aspect of my life so that it was affordable.  Once the first month is over with, you get to enjoy the next few months with a lot of extra cash, and feeling better day by day.

Today though, well at weekend to be exact, it was brought home to me that although at four months, I am doing well in the fight against cigarettes, the battle has been won but not yet the war.

Over the past 4 months I have had two puffs of a cigarette, on different occasions.  Both on a night out with smokers around me.  The previous two times actually increased my resolve.  I didn't enjoy the taste and they did nothing for me.  There were dangerous experiments that didn't cause any harm.

This weekend however, the dangerous experiment backfired.  I was out with the girls and on my way to the taxi rank I started talking to a smoker.  Without really even thinking about what I was doing, I asked for a puff of his cigarette.  It wasn't a craving, it wasn't an experiment to see if it still tasted bad, it was just a..... thing.

To be honest, I was fully expecting it to be like the previous two occasions.  Well I had smelt the lure of a cigarette, tried it and found it horrible to taste.  This time, it wasn't.  That one puff of a cigarette brought back every single memory of how much I had loved smoking.  It tasted so good, I didn't feel dizzy, it felt right.  Oh crap.

The next morning, I had a lucky escape.  There were no cravings, and no temptation to wander off to the shops for a packet of cigarettes.  I had a feeling of guilt but nothing more.  It could have been so much worse.  I could have knocked myself back to the beginning.

That's when I realised, the moment that you think that you are safe, that you don't need to keep your guard up, that is one of the most vulnerable times.  I probably would have known this if I had gone down the route of smoking cessation classes and all the information that is readily out there.  It is just common sense really.

Me being me though, I like doing what you shouldn't.  99% of people will tell you that having a puff of a cigarette when you are trying to quit is a really stupid idea.  It is.  I have learnt that now.  I am not over my addiction.  Although I am no longer in the grasps of complete addiction of cigarettes, I could, if I don't keep my guard up, accidentally become a smoker again without much of an effort.

The puff of a cigarette on a night out would turn into "Oh go on then, I'll just have one".  This would move to smoking "socially" and then suddenly, I would be a smoker again.

So, resolve back in place, stupidity back in check (for smoking at least haha).  I'm back on track.  

Me if I am not careful!!

The Right Time & Place

My friend has recently started a counselling course.  I have always thought that this would be the perfect job for her, as she has been counselling us all for years!

We were talking on Saturday night about the self therapy stuff that I've been doing and writing about, when it suddenly dawned on me.  This blog is public.  People (occasionally) read it.  Alongside my usual rants and ravings have been some really personal posts.

I'd never really thought about putting my life "out there" before until my friend pointed it out.  But then, if only strangers read it, what does it really matter?  Writing on here has really helped me in my progression.  I know myself well enough that if I were to simply keep a diary of my thoughts, I would eventually get rid of it and all the progress would be destroyed along with it. 

Here though, it's public.  People can read it.  When you realise that someone else is going to read what you are saying you take more time over time.  With that, you end up thinking far longer about the subject you are talking about.  In this case, me.

There is no right and wrong for processes that help you.  Whether it is picking the way you want to stop smoking to realising that you are depressed and finding the right help.  For me, that help turned out to be joining Twitter and starting a blog.

After telling my friend about the blog, we then proceeded to have an accidental counselling session.  I'm not sure how it started, but an hour and half's worth of me talking later, we suddenly looked at each other and wondered how that had just happened.  I had just told her more in that time about my "issues" then I have in the past 18 years of knowing her. 

After that conversation two things were obvious.  She was born to be a counsellor, and I was a giant step nearer to being ok.  I am so close to being the person I have always known I was meant to be, I can smell it.  Confidence in myself and self acceptance is not hiding around the corner now, it's just through a doorway.  All I have to do is open the door and step through.

The right time and place for me turned out to be 3.00am with a pizza.  Presumably for more organised people that would be 10.00am with a coffee.  But hey ;) 

Trolls

Trolls.  Not the kind featuring in the likes of The Hobbit who turn to stone when the first rays of sunlight hit them, but the human variety.

The type of people who prey on the weak, who delight in the misery of others and court controversy. 

We have all heard many stories about trolls before, from stalking celebrities to posting comments on RIP sites that would sicken you to read them.  Over the last 48 hours the troll "in thing" appears to be announcing that certain people have died. 

I have seen in the last couple of days death announcements, supposedly from the Twitter feeds of well known newspapers, that Matt Smith died of a heart attack in his flat, Margaret Thatcher has died and finally yesterday, that Prince Philip had died after his arrival in hospital.

I personally don't believe that any "trolling" activity is right.  I know someone who loves nothing more than to write on someone's status on Facebook or Google+ with something rude, purely to get the respondent to "bite".  They don't see that as a wrong thing to do.  I see them as baby trolls.

I have found though that you can get your trolls on their own, and then you can get "trolls united".  A mass of people, who for one reason or another like to ridicule others, who all send messages to the same person or site of a nasty and derogatory nature.

This was the case with a blog I read recently with a 17 year old who has a fascination for Formula One and likes to write about it.  Being an aspiring journalist he has created a website for his work.  I certainly couldn't have done anything like that at 17 and I admire his confidence, his work ethic and his will to succeed. 

He was unfortunately a target for a mass troll attack over the last day or so with people critising his writing, his website, himself as a person.....  This person is someone in college who is making something of himself and planning a career.  He wasn't sat around doing nothing and expecting the world to do things for him.

The majority were just regular people who had seemingly jumped on the band wagon of hate.  These people have normal lives with family, friends and social lives except once in a while, they seem to enjoy making nasty comments.  That doesn't make them normal, that makes them trolls.

In the end, I think what we all need to do is ignore them.  In the case of Twitter we have the ability to ignore, report and block.  In other mediums they can be reported or ignored. 

Whilst the human trolls don't turn into stone, maybe if we don't feed them by "biting back" at their jibes, they may wither away and go back to their own, let's face it, very sad and probably lonely lives.

Bat Shit Crazy

I think “My Way” may be the song that will forever describe my life.  I don’t do anything the way you are supposed to do it.  Things sometimes would be much easier if I did.

 

When I decide I want to do something, my tendency is to go with the snap decision.  There has been so many this year.  From stopping smoking without any aids or assistance, to deciding to start a degree and practically applying on the spot. 

My pet project this year appears to be working on myself.  This wasn’t intentional.  It’s just worked out that way.  I’ve done the quitting smoking, I’m broadening my horizons by starting the degree, now it’s time for the hardest one of all however, confidence.

Confidence is a strange creature.  When you don’t have any at all, you don’t really realise it.  Either that or you are in denial.  But when you gain confidence in certain areas of your life, the areas that don’t have it are suddenly blatantly obvious.

 

I have found my voice over the past couple of years.  I was, for some unknown reason, unable to give my opinion before and was always the quiet one in the conversation.  Whilst I am still shy when you meet me, I’m not afraid to have an opinion now and say what I think, controversial or no.  I have being on Twitter to thank for that and also this blog, as being the vehicle that helped me find my voice.

I have a theory.  I think confidence is catching.  Because the part of me that is now confident in what I think is now looking over at the other part, the part that has no self confidence at all, and it’s laughing at me.

Some of the things I do and have done over the years as a result of my lack of confidence I am now slowly finding absolutely hilarious.  Also a bit sad.  There are a top two of stupid things that my “You’re not good enough” feeling has caused me to do.

 

Idiot thing number one – multiple times offender

Consciously moving away from a date if we are out in a public place and his friends approach us.  Thought process: I don’t want him to be embarrassed.

Idiot thing number two – every bloody day

Seeing a group of people, men, women, teenagers, whatever and moving to the other side of the road.

Thought process: please don’t laugh at me

 

The confident part of me has highlighted these traits to me.  I honestly didn’t realise I was doing them before and I now I do realise, I will admit, I am bat shit crazy.  Reading what I have just written confirms it.
 

Why in the world have I spent 33 years of my life thinking I’m not good enough?  Sure, I’ll never be as beautiful as Keira Knightley and I’ll never be skinny, but I’m not the hunchback of Notre Dame either. 
 

Looks out that looking inward at yourself isn’t a bad thing.  You may discover that you are (in my case) bloody mad, but you may also discover that you are not as bad as you think you are.  So the achievement list this year reads:

 

1.     Stopped smoking.

2.    Started a degree.

3.    Realised I’m not an ogre.

4.    Realised I’m off my rocker ;)

A Good Ending

I watched the majority of the closing ceremony of the Olympics last night and whilst I was disappointed in it, I was also glad about that.

This sounds a funny thing to say I know.  Why on earth would I be glad that the closing ceremony wasn't anywhere near as good as was expected?

The answer to that question is that for me, the bad ending restored the balance of things.  I'm British.  We never expect everything to go well and, in my case at least, I don't trust something when every component goes exactly the way that it should.

I went into this Olympics I suspect much like many others in the British Isles.  Sceptical, wary and praying to hell that we wouldn't show ourselves up.

What happened in fact was that the opening ceremony was more than I could have ever expected it to be.  The games were carried out well and with decorum from the majority.  All of our athletes did us proud and we won more medals than we had ever expected.

Pride has been restored to the country and we experienced that wonderful "joining together" that us Brits are famous for doing, but so rarely do.

If the closing ceremony had in fact been just as good, I have a feeling that in time, we would have all have forgotten just how wonderful these two weeks have been.  Do you know why?  Because we wouldn't have trusted our memories.  Being the cynical creatures that most of us are, I believe that in a few months the memories would have been clouded.

Now though, we have our badly ending ceremony that will let us keep our memories the way we remember them now.  We can keep those glorious two weeks of celebration, hope and joining together.  They will stay in our memories now, because everything wasn't perfect.  Nothing that is really really good ever is.

 

It will probably sound strange to those of foreign climes, it may even sound strange to people from Great Britain, this thinking may just be may own.  But hey, it's my blog with my own thoughts.

GREAT Britain

I’ve watched more sport this weekend in one go than I think I ever have in my life.  Athletics, gymnastics, swimming, tennis, you name it and I’ve probably watched it.

I’ve never really been a sports fan apart from Formula One.  Suddenly this weekend I found myself cheering people on in sports I had never seen before, talking tactics on the 100m sprint and half way through the Murray/Federer match looking up tennis rules so I could understand what was going on!  By the end of the weekend “God Save the Queen” was practically running through my veins and I was more proud to be British than I ever have been.

You can say what you want about Great Britain.  Yes, we are usually a nation of moaners.  We expect the worst to happen and presume that it will.  We are self deprecating and constantly pick ourselves to pieces.  We are allowed to do this.  It’s our right, we live here.  But God help someone on the outside who tries to take us down.

It is exactly one year since the riots occurred and the spirit the supporters have shown in Olympic games really shows how far we have come since then.  I think that the riots happening shocked all of us and made us wonder just how fractured as a nation we had truly become.  The clean up organised afterwards was the first sign for me that people were standing together and refusing to let us fall apart. 

One thing Great Britain is truly good at, although it has been some time since it has happened, is joining together as one.  There can be no better example of this than when Jessica Ennis was in the final stage of the Heptathlon running in the 800m.  I have never in my life seen, heard or felt anything like what happened that night.  The roar of the stadium which grew and grew, the overwhelming feeling of pride and support for one of our own, it was truly unbelievable and something I don’t think I will ever forget.

You will always have the idiots of course, like Tom Daley’s Twitter troll and the Daily Mail (no explanation needed is there?).  Overwhelming though this weekend our sports men and women and the supporters both in the stadium and watching at home have stood together as a nation and reminded us that Great Britain truly is great.   We need to remember this feeling and carry it on.  Be proud to be British.  

What's in a Name?

Changing your name is a lengthy process, full of millions of letters and in the case of passports and driving licences, lots of money.

I have been thinking for a while now of changing my name.  Well, when I say changing it, what I actually mean is reverting back to the name on my birth certificate.  Given the time, documentation and money involved, as well as the emotional ramifications, this decision has taken a while to reach.

I was eight when my dad died and just over a year later my mum remarried.  Although I was happy to see her resettled, and he was and is the best stepfather I could have hoped for, from then onwards I felt disjointed.

Maybe it was the little girl’s way of thinking, but I remember at that time feeling that I wasn’t a proper member of a family anymore.  When the holiday tickets used to arrive each year with the different names on it felt strange and wrong.  Like I was a leftover from an old relationship. 

When I reached 11 after talking about how I felt it was decided that I would change my name to the new surname.  Given my age I didn’t need to bother with change of name deeds and I didn’t want to go down the adoption route, so I simply started using the new surname.

Years down the line and now I’m 33.  Whilst I understand my reasoning for wanting to change my surname when a child, I now miss my old surname.  I miss the connection it gave me to my dad and I’ve found, that although I call myself by my stepfather’s name, I still think of myself in terms of my dad’s name.

I don’t need the sense of belonging like I did when I was a child.  Taking back my former name is in a sense reconnecting with my younger self and that is something I want.  So much of my life went awry after my dad died and now I think I have finally dealt with all that, I want a new start with the old me.

So, after I have a long talk with my step father, whom I love a lot and want him to understand, I will be going back.  

Hello Vicky Cooper.  I’ve missed you, a lot.

No to the Finger

Everyone who knows me and knows of my love of Formula One will be well aware of my dislike of Sebastian Vettel.

This weekend has given me another reason to dislike him.  In my opinion, he is proving to be a bad ambassador for the sport. 

For the second time this season Sebastian Vettel has publically insulted a fellow driver, in this case Lewis Hamilton calling him "stupid".  The first occasion was of course the much publicised "cucumber" insult to Narain Karthikeyan.

He is the reigning world champion and as such is also a representative for the sport.  Maybe a little more PR training, together with a course in bad manners may be in order?

I understand that Lewis has now commented on Vettel calling into question his maturity and I have to say I agree.  Throwing your toys out of the pram every time something doesn't go your way is not the right attitude for a double World Champion.

My Legal High

 Someone asked me today on Twitter what it was about shoes that girls like so much.  Maybe because my current profile picture is this:

I replied saying that this was a question that could not be answered in 140 characters other than saying that shoes are pretty and they make us happy. But why do they make us happy?

When you go out and buy clothes, you buy them because they looked good when you tried them in the shop. If you are like me, then at some point in the future after you have bought the item, sometimes immediately upon returning home, you will look at it/try it on and wonder why in hell you ever bought it.

Suddenly the garment looked good on you in the shop, is all wrong. The dress that you thought looked elegant has turned into a hooker dress. The top that looked great for a night out with the girls turns into something your grandmother would wear. The jeans that are a perfect fit until you get them home and suddenly you look like you are pregnant.

This doesn't happen with shoes. They will always look the same.

The shoes in the picture above are shoes that I have envisaged and wanted since my love of shoes began. Bright red Mary Janes with ribbons, and with heels high enough but not so high that you can't walk. I've had those shoes in my head forever.

Since finally finding and putting my own stamp on them, I have worn them on multiple occasions and I still get the same big goofy smile on my face that I did the first time of wearing.

Shoes will always look the same as they did in the shop. No girl will ever turn to you and say "Does my foot look big in this?" Shoes always fit. I put a pair of shoes on that I love and my mood improves. I look down and see them or catch their reflection in a window and I have a smile on my face.

The "fun" shoes

The “I feel sexy when I wear them” shoes 

The “today I want to goddamn sparkle” shoes 

Shoes - are they the best legal high there is?  I think so.  

They make smile, and that’s what counts.

Texas Chilli Cook Off

This is a joke email I received.  It says it is a true story, but whether it is, or it isn't, it made me giggle, a lot. 

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

 Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:_

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... 

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver . They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...*

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, wa s standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb .woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...*

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.  It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...*

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetari an variety chili. Go odd balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... *

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...... 

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

Judge # 3 - No Report

I Did it My Way!!!!!!

By my reckoning, this Monday will be 10 weeks of not smoking.

I have been asked by some why I chose this particular point to stop smoking.  Previously when people have asked if I wanted to quit I have always said no, that I enjoyed it and that I couldn’t see a point in the near future when I would want to stop.

I’m a bit of a odd combination in that in one way I am very easily  led, usually into mischief, but when it comes to making decisions and being forced into something, I am very clear.  I have my own way that works for me and I stick to it.  Tell me that I should be doing something and I will generally do the opposite. 

My best friend ran smoking cessation classes for years.  But she knows me well, obviously being my best friend, and so never mentioned stopping smoking to me.  She knew that I would come to the decision in my own time and, as I have a strong will, I would do it my own way, not the prescribed way.

So the day I decided to “have a go” at quitting, I had made no preparations.  It was more of a wondering of can I do it as opposed to a serious attempt to quit.  Probably the reason I decided to go cold turkey.  I didn’t want to spend money on patches etc when I would probably be back smoking in 2 days.  That’s faith in myself isn’t it!!

All through the quitting process I haven’t followed the prescribed rules.  I haven’t used any aides (apart from reading a quit smoking book) and I purposely have not avoided places where smoking occurs.  I decided from the start that I would not change my life one iota and I haven’t.  I probably haven’t made my life easier by doing this, but that’s me.

Typically, this weekend for instance.  I went out on Friday night and there were three smokers in the group.  I could smell the smoke and yes, it still smells good.  But I become curious.  What would happen if I had a puff?

Most people would then think no, don’t do it, who knows what will happen, you might still love it.  Me though, I follow my whimsy so I had the puff.  I was immediately taken back to my first puff at around 13.  Except I didn’t feel cool doing it, it tasted bad and I got an unpleasant head rush.

So yes, 10 weeks in, on my terms, and I’m doing it my way.  The idiot guide to stopping smoking

Lloyds Are the Winners

I have banked with four different places over the years and have left for various reasons with each of them.  For one reason or another, each bank had a fault which didn't work with the way I wanted to do things, so I always found myself looking for pastures new.  My latest change, 2 years ago now, was to the Lloyds TSB.

I have been one of thousands that have been affected by the almighty screw up with the RBS and the NatWest.  My firm bank with the RBS (I feel for not much longer) so hence my wages are directed from an RBS account.

I was due to be paid on the 22nd of this month and to my horror, not having since the news before I left the house, I arrived at the cash point to find a balance of £1.84.  My wage didn't turn up in my account until Tuesday 26th June, by which time I had missed two direct debits and three standing orders. 

I rang Lloyds to see how many charges I had incurred and what could be done.  To be honest, as with experience from banking institutions I was expecting heavy and multiple charges, applied with the line of "You'll have to take it up with the RBS".

I was however pleasantly surprised, on my first call to them (ever) I was greeted by a warm and friendly representative who practically bent over backwards to help me out and laid out my options for me.

After sorting my banking charges, without asking out he then proceeded to let me know how my account could be run better and therefore easier for me to manage and proceeded to arrange it all for me.

I came away from the phone call a lot happier than when I started it, with a better, more flexible account and any worries I had with regard to bank charges sorted out.  After dealing with either rude or unhelpful people for years with other banks, it is nice change to actually have a bank that helps!

Bus Journeys

Up until 4 years ago I was your typical car driving commuter.  Blasting up and down the motorway every day was not a chore, it was something I loved doing.

Due to a combination of being moved to an office much closer to home, the lack of parking and an incident with my car, I made the transition of going to work on the bus.  I wasn’t happy about it in the least but was the best solution.

It wasn't a solution I was happy with, but the main reason was that my car or more worryingly myself, had been targeted by local thieves.  My car was broken into 10 times over the course of 2 months and by the end, combined with the move in work, the bus became the most viable option.

I have shared some of my tales of my bus journeys on Twitter before, but someone suggested that I share them on the blog.  So here's life on a bus journey.

You tend to get two types of drivers on the buses.  The first type are nice, friendly and safe.  The other type use the bus as an extension of their penis and think that they are the only thing on the road.  The type that drives too fast and brakes too hard.  Standing on a bus trying to balance is not fun when the bus driver slams on and you nearly go through the windscreen.

Then there is the devil child.  EVERY BUS HAS ONE.  He has been on my bus every morning.  I am not sure of the age, around 7 I think and, apologies to the “all children are wonderful” bunch, but he is the devil's spawn.  His mother has no control over him and the bus driver has had to bring control on more than one occasion.

He shouts at the top of his voice, climbs all over, sometimes over you, runs up and down the aisle, knocking over bags and running over people’s feet.  The latter being me one day, the day after I had a foot tattoo.  Considering he took half my skin off I feel practically saintly for the fact I only screamed blue murder.

Then you get the tea time drunks.  You see them getting on the bus, you smell the booze on them and pray that they don’t sit next to you.  Some can be funny, giving you a little story or having a joke with you.  Others are the ones who carry an open bottle in their pocket which upturns over your expensive work coat.

There are also the “HELLO I’M ON THE PHONE” types.  Everyone will occasionally get a phone call whilst on the bus but I try my best to keep my voice down and be unobtrusive.  Plus of course I don’t want to advertise my business to a packed bus of strangers.  Some seemingly delight however in talking loudly on the phone.  What they are doing that night, how many girls they are going to screw over the weekend, how much they deserve a pay rise all the while disclosing confidential work details....   

They say the bus users are helping to save the planet by using public transport and not a car.  In this particular case I say screw the planet, and give me a goddamn car!  I miss my car.....

No Smoke Signals

Today is an anniversary for me.  It is exactly two months since I stopped smoking.

The journey has been much different to what I expected, both easy in parts as well as hard.  For the most part, determination has seen me through the weeks, along with much support from family, friends and Twitter.

Strangely, this past week has been one of the hardest I have had in terms of cravings.  My friend, who used to run smoking cessation classes, told me that this is the time when it can be the hardest.  When complacency creeps in and you believe that you have beaten the cravings.

That much is definately true.  After passing the six/seven week mark with hardly any cravings at all, I let my guard down and as such, the cravings have slipped back to a level that makes it hard once again.

But, now I have realised this, my determination is back in full force and I think it is time to read "The Easy Way to Quit" again, which helped me so much in the first place.  Never surrender!!

A Bad Business Plan

Let’s say you had a product to sell.   You could sell this product, if advertised correctly to potentially 60 million people in your local area.

You are aware that around 70% of the public are known to be interested in your product.  You have had massive sales for a long period of time, but these days, people aren’t buying and your numbers have dropped dramatically.

Your regular buyers are now down to approximately 1 million per week.  A massive advertising campaign is needed to engage with the public again, bring them back to you, and your product.

The trouble is, you still remember the glory days when sales were great, the public hung on your every word and you had influence in every corner. You make a wrong decision,  sales plummet even further and the end may be near.

Sound familiar?  Try the Church of England who have today said that gay marriage is the one of worst threats in 500 years and will “redefine marriage” .  This is the Church of England which was created in order to allow King Henry VIII to be able to divorce one woman and marry another.  Redefining marriage is what they were created for.

England has evolved, as have it’s people.  There are now many races, cultures, religions and beliefs living and co-existing in England.  We have atheists, Christians, Muslims, Jews. We have straight people, gay people, transgender people, bisexuals……The list goes on and on.  We each have our own beliefs and opinions. 

I am a straight Atheist woman.  What the Church of England is saying quite frankly sickens me.  Archaic bigoted thinking has no place in the 21st century.  When members of your own religion, of which I have seen many today, are questioning and disputing what you say, it is time to re-evaluate and change, or suffer the consequences. 

The Balance

I believe in animal rights.  I have done many blogs on the subject, the latest in relation to horse racing. 

I am pretty clear on what lines I will cross, what I believe is acceptable and what isn't.  For example, I won’t wear, and greatly oppose the fur trade.  Anyone wearing fur in my opinion is despicable.   Skinning an animal, in a lot of cases still alive, just for it’s coat and to then just throw away the carcass is something I will never understand.

There is a video on the PETA website, linked here which shows what happens.  I offer caution before you watch the video however, it broke my heart and I could not stop crying.

I an anti blood sports, including trophy hunting (see Trophy Hunting) and I don’t believe that animals belong in circuses or should be used for the entertainment of a crowd.

Because I have these beliefs, some people assume, and indeed think I should be, a vegetarian.  I’m not.  Whilst I am in no way the biggest carnivore in the world, this is purely from a taste point of view and not because I think that it is wrong.

All nature is a balance.  The lion eats the zebra.  The cat eats the mouse.  The spider eats the fly. Humans eat animals.  I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with that.  We aren’t built to live on plants.

I do believe however that we have a responsibility however to ensure that the animals we do eat should have the best life possible before the end.  So no battery chickens, championing local produce and most importantly, finding out where your food comes from and how it was treated. 

The lion may eat the zebra without a thought about it, but it doesn’t gather together it’s prey, ram them all together in a too small enclosure and sell off for a bigger profit.  It eats when it needs too.

Imagine a predator did this, but not to chickens, to us....

Tin Helmet at the Ready

IVF is a wonderful thing.  It gives hope to many people who want a child and although the success rate isn't the best, especially the older you get,  I can see why people want to use it.

IVF is also very expensive.  It is a choice.  Not a necessity.  You can, if you can afford it that is, pay for it yourself.  In the current climes not many people can afford the treatment and as such, they turn to the NHS to pay for it.

Whilst I support the right of people to have free IVF under the NHS, I do have a question.  Recent new stories have suggested that woman over the age of 40 are now to be given the option of having IVF.  The chances of success over the age of 40 are less than 5%.  Is this not a bad allocation of funds?

Currently cervical cancer checks are offered to women only over the age of 25.  Cancer can affect someone at any age.

I would think that than lowering the screening age for cervical cancer would be better, and would be infinitely more beneficial than funding IVF for woman over 40 which gives only a very small chance of success. Saving lives is what we should be aiming for.

Black Clouds

Sometimes, a few times a year actually, I get what I tend to call my black cloud.

Contrary to what you see on Twitter with my regular ranting, stroppy self, off Twitter I’m quite a sunny person.  Different aspects of your personality and all that.

Depression hits me a few times a year.  I’m not going to deny it.  It’s the price you pay for compartmentalisation.   If you shove everything that hurts/you don’t like in a drawer, now and again it’s going to escape and bite you in the ass.

Right now, I’m in a crappy place.  I’ve been there before and it’s not a nice vacation.  But it’s normally a short stay as opposed to the long haul.  If it ever becomes long haul then feel free to send in the men with the white coats.

I’m not saying any of this in an attempt to garner sympathy or whatever. But saying “I’m disappearing for a few days because I have issues” normally needs a least a short explanation.  Before people think that you are mental.  Which I probably am.  But you knew that already

Typical fucking me for entering black cloud stage right before the Monaco Grand Prix.   Although if the quali/race doesn’t pull me back, nothing will lol

See you in a few.  xx

We All Deserve Respect

I'm an atheist.  I believe that we are in charge of our own destiny and that there is no all powerful creator up there running the show.  That's my choice to believe that.

I fully believe in freedom of choice and if that means that you have religion in your life, be it Christianity, Hindusim, Buddism, whatever your particular choice may be, then you are free to have it.  We each have the choice to decide who we are, what we do and whether we choose to believe in a particular religion or not.

I have in the past, I admit, occasionally made jokes about Easter on a social media site which at the time I thought was funny.  It was, quite rightly, pointed out to me that the platform I was using had both non believers and believers there and perhaps my joke was out of taste.  In hindsight it was out of taste, and wrong for me to say, and I'm sorry for it.

We need to respect other people's choices and not make fun of, or judge them.  I wouldn't expect a Christian to come up to me and tell me I was going to burn in hell for being an atheist any more than I would expect an atheist to go up to a Buddist and start making jokes about them, and their religion.  It's called mutual respect.

Recently though Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor crossed that line.  He was quoted in saying that 

"Secular values were behind the violence carried out in totalitarian states and some of the 20th century conflicts that have killed millions".

What I could say now is "People in glass houses should not throw sounds".  I could then start naming various dictators and leaders who have themselves and through their actions killed millions, but I won't.

That sort of thing turns into a game of "Well he did that so I did this".

I suspect that the Cardinal is really actually angry because he doesn't have as much power and sway over people as he, and indeed the Church, once had. 

No religion belongs in politics, healthcare and the way people can lead their lives.  It may have been the ways things were done in the past, and indeed in some countries it still is, but in Great Britain you have people from many religions with different beliefs and you cannot have one rule for one, one rule for another.

 

Consumer Whore

Someone sent this to me and it gave me a giggle.  So I've done it myself and here are the results.

RULES:
1. Put your mp3 player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag whoever you want including me (this was from Facebook)
5. Have Fun!

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY....?
Lifted - Lighthouse Family (not bad so far!)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Toxic  - Britney Spears   (ROFL!)

WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
One and Only - Teitur (I swear, that was the next song.  It's beautiful by the way, get it in your life)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Rock Around the Clock - Bill Haley & the Comets

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
 Space Cowboy - Jamiroquai (this is awesome!!!)

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
My Funny Valentine - Billie Holiday

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Inside - Stiltskin

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Hello - Martin Solveig

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
I Think We're Alone Now - Tiffany (holy crap I can't believe I'm admitting I even have that song!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Something to Sing About - Buffy!!!!!!!!!!!


WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon  (yeah wishful thinking lol)


WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING
Lollipop - Mika (er no, I'm not)W

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Don't Stop - Roc (at my funeral, I think I will have!)


WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Song 2 - Blur


WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Semi Charmed Life - third eye blind


WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Great Balls of Fire - Jerry Lee Lewis (oh crap, going to get stick for this one)

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Price Tag - Jessie J (no, I've spent far too much this week!)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Consumer Whore - Lemon Demon

Thought of the Day

No matter how much you want people to like you, never change yourself in order to make that happen. 

If you follow the majority, only think what your friends think and do what people expect you to do, rather than what you want, one day you will look in the mirror and although the reflection may be the same, you will see the eyes of a stranger.

It unfortunately took for me to enter my 30's before I realised that the things that are odd about you, the things that make you different from everyone else, are the things that are most special and should be encouraged, not surpressed. 

So hi, I'm Vicky.  I'm odd, querky and I have a tendancy to rant.  Probably a bit more mental sometimes that I would normally admit.  I don't care.  I love it.  I'm myself.

Chirpy People are Psychopaths - Discuss

I'm not going to lie.  I'm in a foul mood that I can't seem to bring myself out of.  Writing usually helps so hence, you're getting this post and if you are reading this now, you have been warned, foul mood = evil pouring on to the page.

So basically, I am just going to bitch about things that irritate me.

Morning people.  I don't understand them and I really don't like them.  Actually I should qualify that.  Your regular John Doe of morning people I can tolerate, just, however chirpy morning people, well they clearly have something wrong with them.  

Not being a morning person myself and being frankly dangerous on the wrong side of 10.00am, I could happily throw things at the chirpy morning person.  There is a chirpy morning person in my office and there have been many staplers thrown at her head, although thankfully just in my mind and not in reality, I might get arrested for that.

Chirpy morning people brings me on to chirpy happy people in general.  I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being happy, but no one, and I mean no one is happy 24/7.  You show me someone who is happy, chirpy and cheery twenty four hours a day, seven days  week and I will show you someone who is mentally unstable.

I do not trust people who are smiling and cheerful all the time.  I honestly believe that there is something mentally wrong with them.  Purely of course on the grounds that they irritate the fuck out of me and at times, like now, I can be a complete bitch. 

I do actually feel better now I've wrote this.  I feel a little more cheerful haha 

The Hit List

I am now on Day 14 of my new non smoking life.  Overall, I think I have been doing ok with the cravings and carrying on with life as normal. 

I purposely did not plan to stop when I had a quiet period with nothing to do and nothing stressful on the horizon.  Most say that you should plan for quiet for a period, until you wean yourself away from cigarettes.  Like with everything though, I like to do things my own way.  My life isn’t naturally quiet or stress free so I see little point in hiding away.  I prefer to deal with every situation as it comes.

My aim is that at the end of the first month, I will be craving free and I can turn my back on that part of my life completely.  The journey is different for everyone but given the progress I’ve made so far, I feel it is achievable.

Feeling strong and excited today, I thought it was time for my hit list of things I want to buy with my regained money.  Being the sensible kind, despite having previously blown £180.00 away in smoke each month, some of it will go on sensible things but the rest, is play time.

Top of the list has to be going to a Formula One race.  I have opened a new bank account, entitled “F1” and money will now be going in there every month to fund a European race next year. 

Next on the list?  A watch.  Why?  I don’t own one and haven’t for years.  Watches are one of the things that I believe you need to invest it.  There is nothing worse than having a tacky piece of plastic hanging on your wrist.  I’ve never owned a watch because I have never had the money to spend on a decent one.

I found this at the back of my wardrobe the other day.  Hideously tacky, but as a savings box it will serve it’s purpose and save my pound coins until I have enough for the watch I want.  I can take my time (haha) with this one, having previously used my mobile as a clock all these years, I am in no rush.

Number three, inevitably is shoes.  Not just a pair of shoes.  “The” shoes.  I’m not talking about buying a pair of Louboutins either.   Although I love them, me being me I would no doubt manage to scuff the heel or scrape the front.  I would be too scared to wear them. 

Instead, I have found a website called Shoes of Prey which let you design your own shoes.  I have done that and after a few months of putting some money aside, I will have the shoes I have always wanted, but have never been able to find.

Lastly, to offset in a small way some of the frivolous and self related spending, I am upping my monthly charity contribution.  If I can  now afford to buy myself all of the above, I can certainly afford to spend more than £2 a month on charity. 

So there we go.  That is my little ex smoker hit list of purchases.  Now time to put action into plan and then reality.

Taking the Leap

If you have read my blog before, you may have seen a couple of posts I did back in the beginning of January this year.  In these posts I was talking about the fact that I had decided to cut down smoking over the Christmas/New Year period and was trying to continue.

Well fast forward three and a half months and the state of play is a little different.  The cut down didn't work.  I did try and kept up with it for a couple of weeks after I had done the posts, but my heart wasn't really in it.  I found that I was getting stressed out by counting the number of cigarettes I was "allowed" each day in which turn just made me want to smoke more.

Back on my 20 a day habit again I soon realised that "cutting down" doesn't achieve anything.  What does achieve something is quitting completely.   I have been smoking since the age 14, nearly 20 years and over that period I have occasionally toyed with the idea of quitting, but have never carried it through.

The cutting down experiment had made me wonder if I could actually quit.  If I had the willpower to do it.  The added price on cigarettes was another factor.  The fact that I was spending around £180.00 a month on cigarettes was something I could no longer ignore.

So last Monday night I decided.  I would have a go and attempt to quit.  I decided "cold turkey" was the best approach for me.  I knew that it would be harder that way but I would rather speed up the process rather than dragging it out. 

Being honest now, if I was a betting person, I wouldn't have bet on myself.  I am not the best at willpower, especially with something I want.  My mum has even confessed that she didn't think I would make it.  Cheers for that!

The first two days were horrible. Climbing the walls, emotional wreck stuff.  Luckily for me, someone I talk to on Twitter told me about a book written by Allen Carr (not the comedian) called "Easy way to Stop Smoking".  I was dubious to say the least but at that point would have given anything a try.

The next day, the book arrived, was quickly read and amazingly, worked!  Now I'm not saying that you immediately stop all cravings and are feeling bright as a daisy, but damn close.  The book deals with the psychological addiction you have to cigarettes and explains everything in such a way that you don't have the need to smoke anymore.

I am now on Day 8.  I haven't smoked and after reading the book, I know I never will again.

So if you are thinking about quitting, buy the book.  He claims to have a 90% success and before reading, I was convinced that I would be in that 10% that it didn't work on.  Let's face it, you can pick up the book for less than the price of a packet of cigarettes these days so you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.