Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts

11 December 2015

Hello, It's Me

Hello little blog.  It's me.  I'm wondering if after all these months, you recognise me.

OK, so I am shameless stealing Adele lyrics here, but the question remains true.  But I have been here, posting, writing; and yet I haven't.  The me that loves to do fashion posts has been absent, the writer who loves to rant has been gone; the woman who pours her heart out through her blog has been MIA.

Victoria the ghost writer has made some appearances, but in general, my heart has been gone from this blog for many, many months.  Why is that?

Well, it has been a bloody hard and horrible year with not many highs.  A long hospital stay followed by the death of my step dad, the aftermath of that and me wondering how I could have lost both my dad and step dad before I'm even 40.  Drawing inward.

"They say time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing"

I have to be careful with my heart.  I know how easily I can fall into sadness and when dark days can turn into dark periods.  Under times of stress I have to be especially careful. I have had to be strong, I could not fall under the spell of sadness.

I have not been unable to understand why my passion for writing has been gone.  I have not been able to understand why I have pulled away from friends, stepping in now and again but remaining distant.  I could not understand the need that roared inside me to ensure that I told my mum I loved her so often.  I could not understand why my joy for life seemed to be on mute.

After much soul searching and facing up to truths, I now understand.

I have been on pause.  You know when something huge is about to happen in front of you, you freeze, hold your breath, draw your body inward?  That has been me.  I have put myself on pause, thrown a safety net around myself and anchored in.  Because I have been scared of what comes next.

A Tyrannosaurus Rex cannot see you if you don't move and that is how I have been treating that fear.  Do nothing, and nothing bad will happen.

I have not been writing, although I have wanted to, because I write with my heart and my heart has had a cage around it, keeping it safe.  I have pulled away from my best friends because they know me so well and I wasn't ready to see my reflection in their eyes.  They know what I am like and because they are amazing, they have waited.  Knowing.

I have told my mum that I love her every single day not because I adore her, which I do, but because somewhere inside me was saying "What if she dies too".   Losing my dad when I was younger and losing my step dad this year has made me pull her so close, because my heart is in no state to deal with that kind of grief.

I am improving now.  I am writing again finally and the words are flowing freely through me again, like they always have before.  There comes a point where you have to take that jump and continue living again, fully; not on safety mode.

Most people would not press publish on this post.  It is deeply personal and a working through of how I have been feeling.  A "Dear Diary".  But I believe that it is important to document your feelings, remember how you felt and how you brought yourself through it,  It is a marker in my life that proves how strong you are,

Writing has always been therapeutic and I am finally ready to let it heal me.  My sparkle is coming back and I feel more like myself again.  Hello little blog of mine, I have missed you so much.

10 July 2013

What Goes Bump in the Night

Day 7 – What are the things that you are most afraid of?

Things I am most afraid of…….  There are two.

Firstly, I am most afraid of the day when I will lose my mum. I know of course that one day it will happen, she can’t live forever.  I went through so much pain though when my dad died when I was little, that the thought of her going absolutely terrifies me.

We have built such a strong bond, especially over the course of the last year and I don’t want to lose her.  I joke with her that I will get her stuffed and put her in the corner.

This is my favourite photograph, ever.

My mum, my dad and me, pulling a weird face.  To me, priceless

The second thing, I am scared of going through my whole life without finding someone to share it with.  I haven’t so far, but that is more to do with past limitations that I have put on myself.

I am happy on my own and lead a great life, but don’t want to walk through all the days of my life without finding love.

Well that was a bloody depressing post wasn’t it.  Now immediately think of sunshine, bunnies and a cold beer on a hot day.  There, all better now.


22 June 2013

10 Day You Challenge–Day 3!


Today is eight fears.

Fear I think is something much more personal to share than things you love.  You can have irrational fear, illogical fear, unfounded fear and secret fear, all as real as one another but we share them with others than the things we love.
  1. Spiders.  Probably something on a lot of people’s lists.  But seriously, NOTHING needs that many legs.  The spiders that turn up in my house I swear have been down to the gym first.  They are always huge and can run like a mothertrucker.
  2. Open stairs.  As I mentioned on day one, I have a problem with stairs, but when faced with a set of open stairs, I break out into a sweat and start to panic.  I would rather face a charging Rhino than open stairs.
  3. The thought that I might never meet someone who gets my brand of crazy, and loves me still, scares the hell out of me.  I don’t want to walk through this life to the end on my own.
  4. A secret fear, that no one knows about, is that for some reason I am getting increased scared to be a passenger in a car.  I gave my car up about 5 years ago (not for this reason) but always loved driving and being in a car, preferably fast down a motorway.  Now I am increasingly getting scared.  I will beat this fear. 
  5. The dentist.  I’ve never had or needed more than a scrape and polish all my life until last year when I knocked a tooth loose and needed an extraction.  Combining 1 emergency dentist, 1 tooth out and anaesthetic which I’ve never had before numbing my entire throat equalled a panic attack outside of the dentist, unable to breath.  Since then I am a quivering wreck in the waiting room and in the chair.  Note to self, take someone with you.
  6. Snow and ice.  I am terrified of falling over and slipping in snow and ice.  This just seems to get worse with age.  This winter though I invested in some ice cleats, finally, which helped enormously.  I could actually walk around with looking like a complete idiot.
  7. Letting down the people I care about.  Self explanatory really!
  8. Fear itself.  I don’t want to be afraid of anything. 
So there you go! 8 fears.  See, they are more personal than things you love aren’t they?

5 September 2012

No More Tooth Hurty at 2.30

Along with millions of other people in the world, I am terrified of the dentist.  Whilst I am normally ok in most situations and can control nerves, with a dentist appointment, I feel like I am going into the lion's den.
Consequently this fear of the dentists lead to a ten year span of not attending.  Although I have never needed anything more than  a scrape and polish, after a bloody and painful session (together with numerous horror stories from other people having more serious procedures) this was enough for me to avoid attendance.  Over the years the fear grew, unnoticed and unchecked.
Two months ago however my hand was forced.  I managed to knock a tooth loose and was left with no other option but to go to the emergency dentist and ended up having to have the tooth out.  I have had two appointments since then, getting my teeth back in order and after this third appointment, a realisation had hit me.
Dentists aren't evil.  They aren't like they used to be.  You can have local anaesthetic.  It doesn't have to hurt.  If you are reading this and are scared of dentists, re read that line.  Because it's true.  There doesn't have to be any pain anymore.  You just need to find "your" dentist.

The dentist I had years ago was very much of the old school who focused less no making sure you weren't in pain and more on playing God with a drill in his hand. 

The lovely lady I have now explains everything that needs to be done in advance and makes sure I am calm before even going near my mouth.  I have treatments coming up soon and I already know I can have local anaesthetic if I want it and I only have to raise a hand to make anything stop.

Considering, at the moment, that I have never had anything major done to my teeth you may be laughing at me now saying "Just you wait!".  If that is true, leave me in my wonderful new dream, I beg you.

I don't want to go back to being in tears in the dentists waiting room.  So have a heart, if I'm wrong, don't tell me.