I think “My Way” may be the song that will forever describe my life. I don’t do anything the way you are supposed to do it. Things sometimes would be much easier if I did.
When I decide I want to do something, my tendency is to go with the snap decision. There has been so many this year. From stopping smoking without any aids or assistance, to deciding to start a degree and practically applying on the spot.
My pet project this year appears to be working on myself. This wasn’t intentional. It’s just worked out that way. I’ve done the quitting smoking, I’m broadening my horizons by starting the degree, now it’s time for the hardest one of all however, confidence.
Confidence is a strange creature. When you don’t have any at all, you don’t really realise it. Either that or you are in denial. But when you gain confidence in certain areas of your life, the areas that don’t have it are suddenly blatantly obvious.
I have found my voice over the past couple of years. I was, for some unknown reason, unable to give my opinion before and was always the quiet one in the conversation. Whilst I am still shy when you meet me, I’m not afraid to have an opinion now and say what I think, controversial or no. I have being on Twitter to thank for that and also this blog, as being the vehicle that helped me find my voice.
I have a theory. I think confidence is catching. Because the part of me that is now confident in what I think is now looking over at the other part, the part that has no self confidence at all, and it’s laughing at me.
Some of the things I do and have done over the years as a result of my lack of confidence I am now slowly finding absolutely hilarious. Also a bit sad. There are a top two of stupid things that my “You’re not good enough” feeling has caused me to do.
Idiot thing number one – multiple times offender
Consciously moving away from a date if we are out in a public place and his friends approach us. Thought process: I don’t want him to be embarrassed.
Idiot thing number two – every bloody day
Seeing a group of people, men, women, teenagers, whatever and moving to the other side of the road.
Thought process: please don’t laugh at me
The confident part of me has highlighted these traits to me. I honestly didn’t realise I was doing them before and I now I do realise, I will admit, I am bat shit crazy. Reading what I have just written confirms it.
Why in the world have I spent 33 years of my life thinking I’m not good enough? Sure, I’ll never be as beautiful as Keira Knightley and I’ll never be skinny, but I’m not the hunchback of Notre Dame either.
Looks out that looking inward at yourself isn’t a bad thing. You may discover that you are (in my case) bloody mad, but you may also discover that you are not as bad as you think you are. So the achievement list this year reads:
1. Stopped smoking.
2. Started a degree.
3. Realised I’m not an ogre.
4. Realised I’m off my rocker ;)