Swipe Left on Love: How Phones and the Death of Nightclubs Killed Dating

I honestly am coming to the conclusion that there are two realities.  There is the reality we walk around in and see with our own eyes; and there is the reality that we seen and read about online.  Often the two seems to be at odds with one another.

Dating for example.  There are a lot of problems with dating these days.  This is going to be a two part post and I will link that post when uploaded.  

For this post, instead of talking about the usual issues (dating apps etc), I want to bring up another reason why dating is so much harder now.  You simply cannot meet people like you used to.  

I come from a regular size town.  Growing up and through my 20s and 30s the nightlife scene was amazing.  The local pubs for example.  There were three options within walking distance of my home, always guaranteed to have people in them and not just a couple of retired old men having a pint.  

I spent many a Saturday afternoon in one of the local pubs playing pool (badly) and having a flirt.  Or on a Sunday, otherwise known as "hungover, need McDonalds then pool at the pub" in town.  There were always people there to have a laugh and a flirt with.  These were regular haunts that people went to and relationships were formed as a result.

I may sound 104 when I say this, but having no mobile phone also made a difference in that.  No social media to check, no selfies.  No checking text messages, Whatapp, emails.  You were present.  Fully present, not looking at your phone every five minutes.  Even now (and unfortunately I am guilty of doing this myself) I am turned off when I am having a conversation with someone and they keep checking their phone.

Then you had the bar and nightclub scene.  You could go out on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday if you wanted.  You did not have to drink, although most did to be fair.  I still remember the route that we used to take.

You got off the bus at 8.00pm and hit the bars (fake names used for anonymity).  Firstly, The Side Bar.  From there, Yates, The Duck & Cover, The McMillan.  Then Pink Paradise, BBs.  By 11 - 11.30 ish you were heading to one of the five nightclubs available.  Remember, this was just a regular small town.  Five nightclubs to choose from, with a line that could take 30 minutes to get to the front of unless you knew a bouncer.

This was also a time when you could do all of it, plus a takeaway pizza and a cab home for £25.

There was so much choice in where to go.  And with that choice, so many people to meet.  Two of my good friends met their husbands in one of those night clubs.  That was the thing.  You met people.  You enjoyed yourself.  You chatted, you danced.  You were not attached to your phone.  You lived.  You were home by 2.00am.

I remember once saying to my best friend while we played pool on a Sunday "God I am glad that there is no evidence of last night".  By that by the way, I meant drunken dancing, a snog with someone that I regretted, or telling a boy that I thought that he was cute when sober, I would not have dared.

Now, it is different.  Our lives are recorded and put online.  Photographs, selfies, videos.  "Funny" stories told about your friend who did x, y or z.  There is no escape.  And more, instead of losing yourself on the dance floor for two hours dancing, now the idea of fun seems to be posing and posturing for young men and young girls with a bottle of prosecco and ten thousand selfies.

The art of conversation has died.  Banter has died.  No one knows how to flirt properly any more. 
Now, my town is dead.  There are still bars, one nightclub.  But due to the licensing laws changing, no one goes out until midnight anymore.  When they do go out, they stay in their own circles.  Selfies, group photos.  Posing. 

Or worse.  I went to a party recently for a 25th birthday and all the attendees went home at midnight.  Not even to a house party.  Home.  At midnight.  They didn't even seem to be having fun.  Girls, looking identical with their contouring and perfect outfits, but sitting their taking pictures of themselves.  Only when they got drunk did they dance, for the last hour.  Then home.  Home?

Bring back the nightclubs.   Change the licensing laws that close the clubs by 2.00am.  Stop taking your mobile phone out on a night out.  Talk to men. Talk to women.  

Live.  Have fun.  We have stopped living, except for the 'Gram.

The Perfect Life Is The One You Don't Have To Escape From

 When people talk about ambitions, they usually mean the big dreams.  The child who wants to be a surgeon, the walker who wants to one day climb Mount Everest.  We are taught from a young age that it is important to have goals in life, a plan.  Something that you want to be.  A career that you aspire to get.

That was never me.   To use a line inspired from Buffy, I was cookie dough for a very long time.  I was still baking.  As such, dreams and aspirations were not part of my life.  I was still waiting to see how I turned out.

That said, I always wanted two things.  Two things that you cannot train for, you cannot gain enough money to get; you cannot educate yourself for.  I wanted love, real, can't believe you are so lucky to have found each other, love.  And I wanted to be happy.  The latter, I prayed for.  It was like a mantra at one point in my life.  Over and over.  I just want to be happy.  I just want to be happy.

Although it was undoubtedly have earned me more money, a career was never something I really thought about or strived towards.  When asked in secondary school what I wanted to do for a job, I did not know.  Administration is what I ended up answering.  I remember some people laughing.  Others had answered, doctors, lawyers, teachers.  Then me, with no plan.

I have never been driven by money or success.  Although both would have given me a more advantageous life, would it have made it better?

The paths that I have chosen or have moved on are not is not one that others would have chosen.  I drifted in my life for a very long time.  But I do not regret the choices that I made.

I have a job that I love.  It will never earn me a lot of money, but I can sleep at night.  I have never experienced the Monday dread.  I enjoy what I do.  How many people can truly say that?  The money covers what I need and I am good at what I do.

In terms of love, everyone was a no, until the right one was a yes.  I knew the moment I met him that I had never met anyone like him before.  It didn't take long before I realised that he was the one that I had been waiting for.

I had accepted long ago that I may not meet that "perfect for me" person.  That he may not exist.  But I also knew that I never wanted to settle for anything less.  In that area, I am all, or nothing.  I could not imagine being with someone who I knew deep down, was not the one.

I never had a type.  My wish list was more about the person themselves and their personality traits than physical.  In terms of physicality I had a wide range of men that I called attractive.  Celebrity wise to give an example, everyone from Vin Diesel to Billie-Joe Armstrong.

But when I met my guy, everything fell into place.  My perfect for me person.

I was wildly attracted to him.  But also, and more importantly for a long term relationship, he was everything I wanted from a personality point of view, his morals, his code.  The way he made me laugh.  The way he loves me.

I feel absolutely loved, in just the way I always wanted.

So no, my dreams may not be like others.  I do not have a successful, money making job.  I am not wealthy.  But I have a job I enjoy and I found the love that I dreamed of.  I found true peace and a calm I never thought possible.

Because of that, I feel like I won the lottery.  Who can argue with that?