Milestones

There is saying that you have confidence, and actually putting it into action.  This weekend has turned out to a milestone in confidence.

 

On Saturday night I was helping my mum out with a party.  She had decided to have a 60’s themed quiz as part of the evening and wanted me to be her “quiz master”.  Anyone who knows me would know that ordinarily, this would be the last thing in the world I would agree to.  Speaking to a room full of strangers, 12 people all looking at me, no way, no how.

 

After a little coercion however I agreed.  But then a strange thing happened.  Instead of the usual shy, embarassed, avoiding eye contact & get this over as quickly as possible girl, another girl appeared. 

 

I had just finished reading out the fifth question when suddenly I realised that I sounded different.  My voice was at normal tone, I was looking people in the eye and engaging, even joking with the people in the room.  People I had never met before.  This was a first.  A milestone reached.  An ability to be in a room full of people, and just be myself.

 

The next night I was talking to a friend on Twitter and I said something to her which again just flowed straight out of me, which I never would have thought, never mind said before:

 

"I've spent 33 years thinking 'I'll be happier when I'm thinner'. Now I worry first if I'm happy, which is healthier."

I reread that tweet this morning on the bus to work and I'll admit,  as daft as it may sound, my eyes filled up.  Because I'm happy.  Because I felt confident enough to say it to someone else.  Because it wasn't about the way I look, it was the way I felt. 

I'm not saying that suddenly all of my confidence issues are cured, tomorrow I may be back to being Holly Golightly but it's some damn good progress ;)

Have you have a confidence milestone?

 

Repost

Foreword: I originally posted this blog a few days ago and then decided to delete, as it’s very personal and I wasn’t ready.

Then however I saw the cutting for Bieber hashtag last night on Twitter and was appalled.  Young girls cutting themselves for a celebrity to notice them, people making jokes about it, some even saying “Remember, down the stream not across the path”.  So now I’ve put the post back up.

Cutting isn’t the new cool thing.  Depression isn’t funny.  Just because you aren’t walking around with a broken bone doesn’t mean you’re not broken.

…………………………………………….

Have you ever noticed that when you are having a dark day, people will try and make you feel better using the atypical “But think about this and this that is good in your life”….  Am I the only one that this irritates? 

I know that people mean well when they say these things, but isn’t it obvious that whatever it is that is making you sad (if you even know in the first place), has nothing to do with the good parts of your life, that’s there no connection?

Whilst I’m lucky enough not to be in it’s grips now, I’ve flirted with depression for many years.  There was a time in my early 20’s when I came very close.  Too close.  I was so completely unhappy.  I didn’t have the outlets to talk about it and not knowing why I was so unhappy, I didn’t see the point.  In anything.

Maybe if I’d had my blog then things may have been different.  This is my safe zone.  I can say whatever I want, even if I don’t know what I’m really saying until I read back an earlier post. 

Back then though, I didn’t have anything.  Already an inward person I turned in even more so.  I turned to cutting.  I don’t think it was even a conscious decision yet one day, the knife was in my hand.  It doesn’t help. It hurts, physically and emotionally.  You’ll never be quite the same person again.

It’s been years since I was that girl.  It took me years to realise that people will listen when you talk.  If you don’t talk about what hurts, it will always hurt you, or you will hurt yourself.  

I was lucky in that I don’t have any scars.  I still have my dark days, I admit to them freely but the helplessness has left me, along with the urge to cut.  I was lucky I didn’t have depression, which is and can be debilitating.  I was just very unhappy.

Ask for help.  People will always give it.  You are not as alone as you think you are.  Talk to someone, anyone, just talk.

A Time for Joy

You know sometimes you have a day when everything around you is wrong and going badly?  When you can’t see a way forward and your mood is full of doom and gloom.  Well today isn’t that day.

Today is happiness.

I’ve posted previous about waiting for my first university essay to be marked.  After submitting 2 ½ weeks ago I have been full of trepidation, nerves and at times, sheer panic.  Had I answered the question correctly, would I pass; did I have enough examples; right through to have I made the right choice in doing a degree.

 The Open University scoring system is different to other universities. 

40%                 Pass

40 – 54            3^rd
55-69               2.2
70 – 84            2.1
85 – 100          1^st

There are the expectations that you have in your head and the ones that you will say aloud, and then the ones that you really want, but can’t say or think.

Aloud I said that I just wanted the pass and any mark thereafter would do, in my logical head I wanted a clear pass, a 2.2 mark.  I didn’t think that I could do any better than that on my first essay.  The little voice inside wanted a 2.1 mark.

Well today, the little voice won the bet.  I got 78% which is right in the middle of a 2.1.

Whilst it is only a very tiny step in the long road I have ahead in my degree, it has answered the question that is the most important to me.

Can I do this?  HELL YES I CAN.

Today is one to remember.

 

A Little Perspective

We all have busy lives.  Work, family; social life; friends; hobbies it all takes up your time and it is easy to get stressed with the day to day.

When you are busy like that sometimes you can get bogged down by the small stuff, and let it take over, making you tired, irritable and ill tempered.  I’m not talking about proper depression here, just the day to day things that exasperate you.

I’ll admit that I’ve been like that a lot recently.  I haven’t been sleeping too well and I’ve been worried about my university course which has led to my being snappish, irritable and generally not in the best of moods.

I received a little perspective last night.  A friend whom I haven’t seen for around a year had won an award relating to his business and was in the local paper.  I read with horror that he had been diagnosed with cancer six months ago.  He is four years younger than me.

At 28 years old, with a wife and young child and a new business venture, he set up a desk from his hospital bed and made that business a success, cancer or no cancer. 

Even with that news, by mid morning today, I was again back in the rut of tired, grumpy and over worked.  Then I remembered him.  It is too easy to get drawn down into the mundane details of life.  I think we all need some perspective like that to keep everything in the balance.

I may be a bit stressed out at the moment, I may be a bit tired, but I have my health, my friends, my family, I’m happy.  Things could be so much worse.

The small things don’t matter.  When you look back at your life 10 years from now; the fact that you were tired one day or were too busy on another won’t even factor.  The fact that you were happy and living your life to the full will.

My Legal High

 Someone asked me today on Twitter what it was about shoes that girls like so much.  Maybe because my current profile picture is this:

I replied saying that this was a question that could not be answered in 140 characters other than saying that shoes are pretty and they make us happy. But why do they make us happy?

When you go out and buy clothes, you buy them because they looked good when you tried them in the shop. If you are like me, then at some point in the future after you have bought the item, sometimes immediately upon returning home, you will look at it/try it on and wonder why in hell you ever bought it.

Suddenly the garment looked good on you in the shop, is all wrong. The dress that you thought looked elegant has turned into a hooker dress. The top that looked great for a night out with the girls turns into something your grandmother would wear. The jeans that are a perfect fit until you get them home and suddenly you look like you are pregnant.

This doesn't happen with shoes. They will always look the same.

The shoes in the picture above are shoes that I have envisaged and wanted since my love of shoes began. Bright red Mary Janes with ribbons, and with heels high enough but not so high that you can't walk. I've had those shoes in my head forever.

Since finally finding and putting my own stamp on them, I have worn them on multiple occasions and I still get the same big goofy smile on my face that I did the first time of wearing.

Shoes will always look the same as they did in the shop. No girl will ever turn to you and say "Does my foot look big in this?" Shoes always fit. I put a pair of shoes on that I love and my mood improves. I look down and see them or catch their reflection in a window and I have a smile on my face.

The "fun" shoes

The “I feel sexy when I wear them” shoes 

The “today I want to goddamn sparkle” shoes 

Shoes - are they the best legal high there is?  I think so.  

They make smile, and that’s what counts.

A Good Year

It’s Christmas time.  So this post will not be a rant, a rave or on a subject in the headlines.

Christmas is the time of year I always look back over the past year and more often than not, have thoughts of the year to come wishing that this will change, or that will improve.

But this year, instead, I want to look back at my year and remember all the good things, and hope that they carry forward with me to 2012.  This may be a longer post than usual, but for once, that is a good thing. It means that are a lot of things to be happy about.

So here is my happy list:

Family

Family is something that you will always have, and will always be connected with my happiness.  This year has been a very good year for family.  I have founded a relationship with a sister who I have never had any time with over the years, but now we are getting to know each other and building our relationship.

This year also saw an end to a long standing argument with my other sister, who is both so very much like me, and yet so very different.  Having her back in my life, and with both of us in a place now where we understand our differences and cherish the similarities is a wonderful thing.

Friends

I’ve never been a person with millions of friends.  I prefer to have very close friendships with a few people and that is exactly what I have.  One of the highlights of my year was watching my best friend walk down the aisle, to a man who now I count as a close friend.  It is the only time in my life, that I remember, shedding “happy tears” for someone else.

It makes me incredibly happy that I have four friends that will be with me forever, probably still all as crazy as we are now.  We all have a bond that we feel lucky to have.

Added Bonuses

They say in your thirties that everything finally comes together.  You figure out who you are, what you want in life. While I definitely don’t have it all figured out, I feel like I know who I am.

Believe it or not, Twitter, and this blog helped me with that.  Although always opinionated, voicing my thoughts on Twitter, having my little rants and putting down what I think and feel on here has brought me more out of myself in the real world.

I always used to play down my opinions, was more the type to agree with someone rather than voice what I thought rather than say it.  Now I say it, and I mean it. 

There are always things that you wish you had, more money, a relationship, life in another country, but looking back on what I do have, life is good.

Sorry for the soppiness of this post, but I wish everyone who reads this a very Happy Christmas. Drink too much, laugh too loud, dance away the night and above all, have fun!

Rants and raves will resume in the New Year.