Your Fantasy Dinner Party

We have all played this game.  If you could host a dinner party and invite absolutely anyone, who would it be?

I have always found this game interesting as the people who you choose says a lot about you as a person.  You can choose anyone whom you wish, alive or dead so there is a plethora of people to choose from.  But which ones?

I imagine a large dining room.  Nothing too formal, a round table which means that everyone can talk to each other.  Quite a few different, small, courses so that you are not eating one big meal.  Alcohol flowing.  The meal reaches the dessert course and the wine has been flowing all night.  People lose their inhibitions and speak freely.  Who would you want to talk to?

My first invitation would be:      God.

Now.  The people who know me, know that I am not a believer.  So my invite would answer the question if he/she existed at all.  Hey God, do you RSVP?  Secondly, can you imagine the questions that you could ask?  

My second invitation would be:       Eddie Izzard

I am not a big fan of comedians but I love Eddie.  I love his thought process, his passion and very strong sense of self (although not a great fan of how he chooses to promote his political opinion.  I agree with many of his stances, I just think he goes around it the wrong way). 

Eddie came out as a transsexual in 1985.  The way he speaks about his gender identity is so simple, that it makes you wonder how anyone could misunderstand:

“If you look at a tiger, you go ‘ooh, tiger!’, we don’t go ‘girl tiger’ or ‘boy tiger’. We are obsessed by the genders because we grow up in one gender or another. No other animal is obsessed by our gender – they don’t give a monkeys about our gender.

“No matter what sex or sexuality, how you self-identity, or who you fancy, matters not one whit – what do you do in life? What do you make? What do you add to the human existence? That’s what’s matters."

My third choice would be:        J K Rowling

Her first Harry Potter book was published in 1997, although I do not remember coming across the books until probably the early 2000s.  She created a world so complete and so intricate that it drew in both children and adults alike.  Although I love to write, I could never create a world of fiction as completely as she did.  Plus, she absolutely rocks on Twitter.

My fourth choice?          Marilyn Monroe

 Ah Norma Jeane.  She was famous for playing the dumb blonde characters in films, but she was so much more complex than that.  She was a wonderful comedic actress with perfect timing, coupled with suffering depression and anxiety.  The circumstances behind her death will always be a mystery, but she has always fascinated me and always will.

My fifth choice?       Stephen Fry

The man is a British institution.  No fantasy dinner party would be complete without him.

My sixth and final choice?    Millicent Fawcett

Elected president of the National Union of Women's Suffrage Societies in 1890, she complained all her adult life for not only equal rights for women but also abolition of the slave trade.   She died one year after women gained the equal rights to vote as men did.  I can only imagine how extraordinary she was.

That would conclude my dinner invitations, although they could be endless, as I would like my dinner table to hold seven, my lucky number.

Other people who would have made the list (in no particular order)?  Samuel L Jackson.  Caitlin Moran.  Cleopatra.  Russell Brand.  Roald Dahl.  Maya Angelou.  Anna Kendrick.  Winston Churchill.  Abraham Lincoln.  Will.i.Am. Eleanor Roosevelt.  Robin Williams.

Who would you invite?

5 Tips for a Blog & Work Life Balance

I love to blog,  It is a way of putting a small piece of yourself out into the world.  Whether it be your thoughts on a subject, your personal style aesthetic or just a window to crawl out of your daily life; blogging is wonderful way for those who love to write to put their words out to a wider audience.

The trouble with blogging, is finding the time to do it.  Whether you are a full time worker, trying to fit in your writing with a 9-5 job and your after work life or a full time mum, running after children and organising a household; trying to add hours into your weeks to encompass blogging can be a challenge. 

You know those memes that go around the internet?  What my friends think I do, what my parents think I do, what society thinks I do?  The idea of blogging to many looks a lot like this.  

Calm, organised, scheduled.  The reality is more than often more like this.

The reality is jotting notes down on the bus to work, writing bits and pieces in your lunch hour; formulating a blog post on your journey home; writing it at 11pm when the house is finally quiet enough to write (it is 10.45pm when I am writing this).

But when it comes down to it, we love to blog.  So here are some tips for working a blog into your life.

Data on the Go

The majority of people have broadband in their homes.   Working from home is the ideal, but when you need to blog, jot down ideas and research issues on the hop, you are going to need a good and reliable internet connection that is not going to run out.  

My phone package include mobile broadband with a portable MiFi device so that I can easily get onto the internet anywhere I am, on my tablet or laptop, without having to worry about the security of public WiFi.  This is particularly useful in the summer months when you can go and sit in the sunshine while you blog!

Using an SEO expert can also really assist you in how to maximise your blog publicity and ensures that it reaches the right audiences.

Making Time for Yourself
Whether you are a full time worker or a full time mum, finding time for yourself is not easy at the best of times.  Add blogging into the mix and that time is cut down even further.  But it is important to set some time aside for yourself, even if it is just half an hour soaking the bath or a walk in the park.  If you burn yourself out, both you and your blog will suffer as a result.

My go to is a Lush bath bomb, a couple of candles and a glass of wine at the end of a busy day.  45 minutes later and I am refreshed and relaxed.

Blog Ideas
I often have several blog posts in draft.  When I get an idea for a post, I write down the bare bones in a notepad or my tablet, in time moving those ideas into a draft post; ready for writing properly when I have time.

When you have notes written down for a post and some key words and paragraphs ready for you, it is much easier to write and formulate your blog post when you have some time.  Having several in draft form at the same time gives you options of what to write when the mood springs and time allows.  I often find my opinion pieces decide to come out of me late at night so it helps to have a basic starter to work from.

Scheduling
Because I write most of my blog posts later at night when I have a little time, by the time I am finished I am often too tired to think about sharing on social networks and promoting the piece as I wish.  This is where scheduling comes into play.

The last thing I do when I finish a piece is schedule it to be published just when I am getting onto the bus for work in the morning.  Then during my journey I use the Buffer app to schedule publication on Twitter and Facebook throughout the day, as well as sharing on Linkedin and Google+.

Finally....

Don't be Afraid To Write What You Want & Be Visible
Ever had an idea come into your head that you wanted to write about but didn't, because you thought you shouldn't?  If you have as many opinions as me, the answer to that question is probably yes.  It might be an opinion piece on a hot topic (I write a piece about the Grand National every year which always gets flack).

Perhaps you have a political leaning or a social justice cause that you want to share.  Goodness knows there is enough to talk about on that front at the moment!  I have written about everything from prisoners on death row, to feminism and police violence against black people.

The point is, if you do not write what you want for fear of others opinions, your passion for writing is not going to be there.  In the end, you are writing for yourself and sharing a piece of yourself with the world.

So put yourself out into the world.  Find your blog name, decide what you want to write, create a logo for your brand, be loud and be vocal.  If people want to read your blog, they want to read who you are, so share it with them.

Strong Women

One of the best decisions I have ever  made was joining the plus size blogging community.  At its core, the plus size community is an inspiration and a home for women and men who have been told by society that we are not enough because of our size.  

This community shouts back that we will always be enough.  That we deserve the same respect as everyone else.  It gives confidence and brings people out of their shell, letting them be the person that they were always meant to be.

I have met many amazing people in this community.  One of those people is the beautiful Em of Terrible Tumbles  I hope that she will forgive me for gushing, but Em is one of those people that lights up a room.  Not in a beauty way (although she is such a gorgeous girl) but the way her soul shines out of her. She is warm, caring and utterly lovely.  You feel instantly comfortable in her presence, even those of us who are awkward in social situations, like me.  You feel at home with her straight away.

I have cheered her on from the sidelines as I have seen her go from strength to strength with her blog and I was very honoured to be part of her most recent blog post, a series of two called "Too Much?".

As women, we are often put under pressure to act or be a certain way.  You have to be a certain size, have a certain demeanor.  The goal posts are forever changing and I for one, have struggled, and failed to keep up.  One day I realised that the only person who should set my my goal posts, is me.

The "too much" criticism I get is that I am too opinionated.  But after having no voice for most of my life due to a lack of confidence, a fear of not being accepted and a pressure to confirm to what society thought that I should look like, say and be; I decided that enough was enough.  I would be myself.  I have an opinion, about many things, that much is true.  I have a passionate in what I think and believe.  I learn and change every day due to conversing with others.  This is who I am.

I am very proud to be a part of Em's post, especially alongside so many strong women who are confident in who they are, are not afraid to be exactly who they are and unashamedly march to the beat of their own drum.

I cannot wait to read the second post in the series and read about other strong women.  Who runs the world?  Girls.

Why I'm Done With Disclaimers

*At this point I would usually go with "Beware, this is a long read"  But I am done with disclaimers.  Read or don't read.  It is up to you.

Go to any article about women, feminism; crimes against women; tv shows or films with female leads and you will run into trolls or MRAs.  Usually both.  

After a few years of engaging and getting angry myself (I know I should avoid the comment sections but I cannot help myself), I have tried a change of tactic.  Amusement. I laugh as the insults get worse, the comments become more and more "But women bad, men good!". 

Recently I made a comment on Facebook on an article from the Guardian about who should be the next James Bond.  There was a spoof piece written in the Guardian entitled "Forget Idris Elba, It's Time for a Lesbian Bond  Clearly a satire piece and one that I found funny.  

Whilst some took it in the humour it was intended, there was the inevitable backlash of PC gone mad, feminazis at it again, don't fuck with Bond bitches!  

I commented "Jesus people, it is satire.  Don't worry.  Your Bond will remain the misogynistic asshole he has always been".  I wasn't actually intending to provoke a reaction, that thought went straight from head to keyboard.  But, all hell broke lose.

Long story short, I ended up deciding to have fun with it and play a game of troll bingo.  In 89 comments on my little sentence, I had points on the board for triggered, feminazi, overweight, lonely, cat lady, man hater and my favourite. obnoxiously mouthy.

via GIPHY

That is the funny side of the comment section.

Then, and this is the point of my blog post today, you find the #notallmen crowd.  The #whataboutmen crowd.  The "I'm going to ignore this horrible crime that happened to this woman, but look at what happened to this man one time five years ago" crowd.  The "you didn't mention men in this article/post/quote so therefore you are a misandrist" crowd.  The "feminist doesn't mean equality, look what this woman said 15 years ago" crowd.

A woman was raped "Men get raped too you know and false rape accusations are rampant".  A woman was beaten by her partner "Not all men".  A woman was murdered "women kill men too".

Hell, you can't even win a gold medal without your husband being given all of the credit.  You might not even have your name used, you are just called someone's wife

Time and time again you see the entire comments section filled with arguments that have nothing to do with the article, filled instead with "yes I know bad things happen to men too" conversations.  Those of us who dare to question the diverting tactics are immediately labelled man haters.

Now it is all over social media.  You cannot say anything about being a woman, inspiring women or anything that happens to women without being told that you should have mentioned a man.  Proof?

On Saturday night, after another "you got nothing to be vain about bitch" comment on a selfie, I posted:

"A woman having confidence is not the worst thing in the world.  You know what is? The people who tell her she shouldn't have any"

Nothing wrong with that as far as I can tell.  Nothing derogatory against anyone, other than the people who do that.  Something uplifting for women to remember.

However.  I received a message, that I did not understand, telling me in a series that I was trolling men and I was a man hater.  This did not come from a troll or the usual MRA fuckwit.  This was a regular (I thought) person.

I read and reread my tweet, looking for answers.  I asked why they thought the above, only for them to resend my message back to me, asking me to reread it.  I was completely oblivious as to why my tweet came across as anti men.

Today, I read my tweet again, together with the conversation that followed.  It dawned.  Dawned in a way that made me want to smack my head against a wall.  The reason they had a problem with my message was that it did not include that men should have confidence too.

I am done with this shit.  I am done with this whiny want of inclusion of men in every single thing about women.  We are seemingly not allowed to say anything about ourselves, without first acknowledging that some man, somewhere, has experienced it too.  

If you cannot get through a tweet, an article, a comment about women without crying "what about men"; I cannot be arsed with you any longer.  I will no longer engage.  You are not worthy of my time, in the comments sections or on social media.

Women are not required to mention you in every section of their lives. We do not need to pander to your insecurities any longer.  If your response to an article about a woman being raped is "Men are raped too" you are a pathetic excuse of a human being.  

If you cannot read a comment about a woman having confidence without thinking "Why didn't she mention men having confidence" I can't help you.  Reassess your fucking priorities.   I'm done.

I'm out.  

The Outspoken Opinion

This is a conversation that I had with someone this week.

"You have a lot of opinions on a lot of stuff"
"Yep"
"Your Twitter feed is full of things you are spouting off about.  Don't you get tired of being an angry person?   Chill out for a while"
"I'm not an angry person at all.  But if I see something shitty, I am going to say something about it.  That is just who I am"
"So you are a social justice warrior then right?"
"Well if giving a shit about important issues makes me an SJW, then yes, that is what I am".

I thought about this conversation for a while.  Am I an angry person?  I would have to say no.  I am a happy gal.  My Twitter feed has a lot of things that I have shared that I disagree with, yes, but you know what?  Twitter takes up maybe thirty minutes of my day.  The rest, for all you know, is playing with bunnies and singing "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of Music".  

So I decided to take a look at my feed over the last week and see what "controversial" things I had shared.  In reverse order:

• 9 women's refugees in Lancashire facing closure because of budget cuts.  Shared a petition - please sign!!
• Adam Johnson appealing his verdict.  Dude, you admitted child grooming and sexual activity with a CHILD.  Shut up.
• That 8 out of 10 most abused writers on the Guardian were women.  No surprise there.
• That body shaming is not ok.  
• That Dennis Skinner called David Cameron "dodgy Dave".  LOVED this.
• Laughed at the idea that the films that MRAs cried about were some of my favourite films.  (A woman, being the lead in a film: misandry!!!) lol
• A guy on a dating website who went full throttle psycho on me within two messages of speaking.
• That 5 horses died in the Grand National meet.  Find a ray of sunshine in that.  I dare you.

• That Missouri Republicans want Planned Parenthood to provide a list of any woman who has ever had an abortion and that the woman who is refusing, is facing jail.
• That being blocked, is not the same is being censored.  Brilliant article from Clementine Ford who rightly points out her right to block a man from her own page who says "Good job you slimey fat cunt, I really do hope you are the next one raped."  Or that she deserves to be gang raped.

So there you have it.  Ten "controversial things I have tweeted about in the last seven days.  Look at them.  All of them.  Then put them together.  

So lets summarize.  Women losing a safe place to go when they have been abused.  A paedophile,  Women being abused for saying what they think.  Calling out body shamers.  Dodgy Dave (enough said).  MRAs moaning about women being a lead in a couple of films.  A misogynist guy who messaged me (and after that message, offered me money to go out with him).  Animals dying for human entertainment.  Women losing client confidentiality because the Republicans think the rights to a woman's body belongs to a man.  (A percentage) of men thinking that losing the right to threaten to rape or kill a woman online on her own page is a loss of a freedom of speech.

You know what?  Fuck that.  I am angry.  

What Feminism Means to Me

I heard about “Women Against Feminism” on Tumblr. 

Brushing aside some of the sillier posts such as “I don’t need feminism because my boyfriend treats me right” I wanted to go through some of the comments I had seen (the below are not all verbatim but are collated via many posts) 

• You live in a first world country, you’re employed and you have a good judicial system. You don’t need feminism.  Feminism has done its job for you”. 
• Rape culture does not exist.
• Women are not victims and we don’t need protecting.
• Being a stay at home wife is my choice

As to the first point, it is mostly addressed in the replies to the other comments but I can honestly not understand anyone who says that feminism is no longer needed or relevant. 

 Rape Culture

So what is rape culture?  Rape culture is:

• Thinking that it is funny to wear a t-shirt saying “I’m feeling rapey today”.   
• Blaming a woman’s clothing/amount she had to drink on the fact that she was raped.  I’ve actually heard it compared to “don’t put expensive items in your window if you don’t want to get burgled”.
• Teaching women how to not get raped, instead of teaching men not to rape.
• When girls are raped and then photographed and harassed online. 
• Judges telling a convicted rapist “You are not a classic rapist, you simply couldn’t resist” and overturning rape convictions because “she didn’t act like a victim”.

 The important thing to remember about rape culture is that it is both sexes that perpetuate it.  I have seen both men and women doing and saying things on the above list.   

Women are not victims and we don’t need protecting. 

You are right, we aren’t and we don’t, but what we do deserve is basic respect.  Sexual harassment, catcalling and grabbing at you is still very much in play in society.   

My own personal experience is of (countless) excuses over the years that it is ok to grab my breasts because “they are so big”.  The last time this happened (two days ago) the man in question when I confronted him with anger told me that I was overreacting and that I should “cover them up more”.   

We still live in a society where it is socially acceptable to treat a woman in this way.   Again though, I have also had experience of a woman telling me “Well he must fancy you if he grabbed you”.  Oh well that makes it alright then.  No. 

Being a stay at home wife is my choice

Well of course it is and don’t let anyone tell you differently.  Feminism is about having the right to choose what you want to do.   

So why am I a feminist?  Because I believe in breaking free of the restrictions that society imposes on me and creating my own.   I believe that basic respect should be afforded to both men and women.  I want the same opportunities, pay and treatment as everyone else.  I want to be able to make choices without being judged on what sex I am. 

Being a feminist for me doesn’t mean that I want preferential treatment.  It doesn’t mean that I hate men or disregard their rights.  I just want to be treated equally.

If only society with its antiquated views and perceptions moved as quickly as technology did, we would be a very evolved society indeed.

Yes All Women

When you look 20 or 30 years into the future, what do you envision?  Flying cars?  People living on other planets?  Teleportation?  Well if you look back at the movies of a few decades ago, this is the kind of thing that they expected us to be doing.

Next year we will hit the year that Marty McFly travelled to in Back to the Future 2.  I don't see many hover boards floating around but they are a few things that they were pretty spot on about; like video calling.

In essence, when you look towards the future, you see progression, things that are better than the way they are now.  

29 years ago "The Breakfast Club" was released.  Here is a quote from the movie when talking about women and sex:

Wow, you think, what backward thinking I'm so happy times have changed!  Oh wait......  Actually that thought process is still as much in play today as it was then.  

Girls are sent home from prom because their outfits are "causing young men to have impure thoughts".  In rape cases victim blaming is rife not only in the media and on the social network sites but also in Court (this is only one example of many out there).  Songs like Blurred Lines become bestsellers.   People like David Starkie get to go on Question Time saying things like "Violence, not consent, should be the classification of rape."

We still live in a society where when you get unwanted attention from a man "I have a boyfriend" works better than "No".  

The hashtag on Twitter #yesallwomen which has followed after the killing spree of Elliot Rodgers has done much to highlight what attitudes women face on a daily basis.  

My own experience is of men thinking that because I have large breasts, I am automatically "up for it" or I'm "easy".  I have been grabbed in bars more times than I can count but the thing that scares me the most is the perception of others that this is somehow acceptable because "well they are so big".  It is NOT alright to touch me without my permission.  It isn't okay; it's a sex crime and I shouldn't be told I am overreacting if I label it as such.

It doesn't matter how far we have progressed in other aspects of our lives, like with the technological example.  A woman may be able to give testimony in a rape trial by way of video link, but until what she was wearing or how much she had to drink is no longer relevant; we are still living in the stone age.

Slut Shaming

This picture, and variations thereof, has been making it’s way around the internet recently and it is really starting to tick me off.

It is a prime example of slut shaming.  It isn’t a joke.

Let’s look at the photo.  Why is she a slut exactly?  Because she is wearing heavy makeup and a low cut top?  She is wearing makeup because it makes her happy and because she likes the way it looks.  An extra flick of eyeliner or another layer of mascara do not say anything about how she chooses to behave and how many people she has slept with.

The girl in the picture also has large breasts.  Whether she chooses to wear a polo neck or a round neck top, this does not make any difference to the size of her breasts.  She has the right to wear what she wants without being labelled a whore.

I have personal experience of this.  Having large breasts myself I can confirm that no matter what type of clothing I am wearing, they always seem to come up in conversation which, whilst frankly bored by it, I am used to.  However, when I have worn something that shows a bit of cleavage I have, on many more times that I can count, been judged as “easy”, a whore, or have had my breasts grabbed at because I look “like that sort of girl”. 

What has scared me more than being grabbed at was not the actual grabbing, it was the reaction of the assailant (yes, assailant is the right word) and of those around us of shock when I have dared to complain.  The fact that I have large breasts does not give anyway a free pass to touch me.  It is sexual assault.

The picture is being passed around as a joke but I what I say that it is preserving the idea that women can be judged according to how they look and what they wear and then treated accordingly. 

Laughing at a picture of woman being called a whore is one step on the ladder to the frame of mind that says that she deserves to be/have been raped because of the way she looks or dresses.

In any case, whether a woman is a virgin or has slept with 50 men (what exact number crosses the appropriate line anyhow?) it is not your business.  If you want to judge someone then please, do it silently and to yourself.

Unless we stand up and say that these things are offensive they are going to continue.  So I am standing up and shouting back. 

Enough.

Page Three

I have had the page three debate rolling around in my head for a while now.  What made me want to write about it today was the glamour model that appeared in Celebrity Big Brother and the comments that I saw about her.  The particular comment that made me sad was that her parents would be ashamed of her, because of her profession.  It just strikes me as being very small minded.

The campaign is based upon the twofold reasons of both objectifying women and also been a bad influence on children. 

Firstly, you say that having a topless woman on page three is causing men to continue to objectify women.  The page is torn out; pull on a wall; “used”; etc.  But naked women are not only found on page three.  They are found in fashion magazines, everywhere.  The only difference is that it is labelled as art and is therefore fine.  The page can still be torn out and used however the buyer of the magazine wants to.

 

Not to be crass, but men like naked women and whether that nakedness is in a newspaper or magazine makes not a jolt of difference. 

 

People also complain that children could be subjected to these images.  I grew up with seeing page three photographs and they did not scar me in any way.  Your son is not going to grow up to be a rapist because he saw a pair of breasts in a newspaper.

 

Magazines, just like newspapers are frequently left in trains, buses, park benches.  So yes a child could be passing, pick up the newspaper, turn to page three and see a pair of breasts.  But they could similarly open a fashion magazine and see a woman entirely naked, albeit strategically posed. 

 How do you explain differently the reasons behind each?  Six year old Danny looks at two images and says “Look Mummy, those ladies aren’t wearing any clothes”.  Do you respond that one image is right and one is wrong?  Why is the topless photograph wrong?  I would suggest that telling your child that looking at a naked image is wrong is far more harmful in the long run than the images.

 

They are just pictures.  We are born naked and there is nothing wrong with the naked image.  You can choose to objectify an image or not.

 

H&M recently launched a new underwear campaign with David Beckham in his pants.  Did I stare?  Yes of course I did.   Did I think wow he looks damn hot?  Yes I did.  For those moments he was a body I was looking at and that was the point of the ad.  He had sold his image in order to sell underwear.  Did I judge him? No.  Did I think that he was less of a person for selling those images?  No.

 Now the question I ask is how is that different to a woman who sells her image to page three?   She is selling her image of her own free will in order to sell newspapers for her employer.  Is she being exploited?  No.  It is her chosen profession.  Who is anyone to judge her for that?

 

In a world where women’s rights to their own bodies are being ever more restricted, in a country where female genital mutilation is being carried out right under our noses, in a time where sex workers are stigmatized rather than helped and protected against violence, isn’t it time that the feminist movement worried about something more than just a pair of breasts?