Why Perimenopause Set Me Free

 I have always been a person who internalised their emotions.  Not just internalised, compartmentalised.

What I have come to realise since hitting perimenopause is that I am no longer that person and letting my emotions out is something that I am not used to.  At all.

When you internalise and compartmentalise your emotions, it becomes all about control.   You become fully in control of your emotions in respect as to who you let see the real you.

When I was at my lowest part of my life barely anyone knew and if they did; they had truly no idea how far down the rabbit hole to depression- and yes, suicidal thoughts - I had fallen. 

Because I did not let them see.

There were reasons, and more reasons, as to why I became this way.  But that is the way I was.  For decades. 

On the outside, I was happy. Smiling.  Easy going.  On the inside, I was far from that.

The brain is a clever thing.  But it can also deceive you. 

Because it turns out that if you try to convince the outside world for long enough that you are happy and not sad, you start to believe your own lie.  And when you do that, something else happens. 

You stop feeling. 

Not completely. You still function. You still laugh. You still go out. You still have conversations and live your life.

I remember with absolute clarity one day - thankfully a good ten years ago – when I realised that I was not feeling.  Because that one day, the world decided to let me. 

I was walking down the street with my dog, sunshine on my face, with a night out with friends ahead of me.  I suddenly realised that I felt happy.  That I was excited for the night ahead.  I felt it.

The next second after, it hit me.  I could not remember the last time I felt a positive emotion.  Actually felt one.  It felt like I had been living in a dark cave for over a decade and had crawled out, finally escaping into sunlight.

That day was the first day, of many, of the path back to myself.

I regained my ability to feel again and I am truly happy in my life, yet I still try to hide my emotions.  I was still so tied to the idea that people shouldn’t experience me experiencing negative emotions.  I had to put my good side forward.  Even after healing so much of myself, that was a hard one to break.  It was locked in.

Then, perimenopause hit. 

Suddenly, the control was gone. 

Emotions hit where they pleased and there was no hiding them.  It was impossible.  When I am sad, it shows.  When I am angry, it shows.

Perimenopause gives no fucks frankly.  You feel when you feel.  If your body wants to cry, you are damn well crying.  If your body decides you are angry or frustrated, people know about it.

And you know what?  It is liberating as hell. 

Firstly, because I know that these emotions are hormonal.  They are not because of any pain or sadness.  That is behind me.  I’ve dealt with that.   Which makes feeling them is easier, because my body is doing what my body is choosing to do.  I am not actually sad, or angry.  It is my hormones.  It will pass.

My hormones are in control of me right now.  Not my brain.  Which means, the control that I desperately held on to for decades was gone.  I am free from the walls that I built.  There is nothing but dust left. 

What perimenopause has given me, surprisingly, is freedom.  Because I can no longer, and frankly do not want to, hide my emotions anymore; they are forced out.  Which means people see me and want to check that I am ok, I answer honestly.  I do not hide and say, “Oh I am fine!” and smile.

There is a lot of temporary stress in my life at the moment, which will be sorted and will pass, but is not helping my hormones.  So I am letting, for the first time in my life, my hormones rule me.

I let myself stress out and have a mini meltdown.  Because I feel better afterwards.  I let myself cry if I need to.  Because I feel better afterwards.  If I need to talk or vent I do.  Because I feel better afterwards.

Perimenopause has set me free from the constraints that I imposed on myself in showing emotion and my life is better as a result.

What life has taught me in the past few years is look for the positives and embrace them.  Because they are always there if you look hard enough. 

And surprisingly, this is the benefit of perimenopause.

It took away my control.  And gave me my freedom.