29 November 2016

Catching Yourself

I feel like I have just woken up.  Not from sleep, but a state of mind.  

Have you ever been in a rut without realising it or a downward spiral that you did not know you were on?  This has been me for the past few months.  Except that I did not know, until I was sat in the dentist's chair last Thursday.

Now the dentist's chair is of course not the normal place for self reflection and realization.  But there I was, petrified and shaking as usual when I happened to look down at my legs. They were hairy.  I'm not talking about forgot to shave for a couple of days hairy, I'm talking not shaved for weeks and weeks hairy.

(By the by, nothing wrong whatsoever whether you choose to shave or not; it's just my own personal preference for myself).

I had no idea whatsoever why I had hairy legs. I was so confused.  It was quite a good distraction from what was going on in my mouth to be honest, as I racked my brains for an answer as to how I could have forgotten to shave for so many weeks.  I wear a dress every single day.  How did I not notice for all this time?

When I got home, I looked in the mirror.  Again, I felt like I was looking at myself properly for the first time in months.  My makeup looked like a five year old had put it on and my hair?  It looked like it had not had anything but my fingers running through it since I washed it.  Being honest, I could not even remember last time I brushed it.

I felt and looked like an old house that was previously well kept but was now in a state of disrepair. The only way I can describe it is that I felt that my mind and who I am had a vacation away from myself, but not bothered to tell me.  Like I had just been on autopilot for a while. Does this make sense to anyone else or just me?

Looking back over the past few months, I see nothing that would have triggered this apathy.  Because that is what this was.  It was not laziness or a change in my routine.  The thoughts of shaving my legs, brushing my hair; applying my make up; did not ever factor or occur to me.

I have still been going to work, having a normal home life; writing blog posts but I really do think that the essence of what is me disappeared for a while.  Hell, I did not even blog about the debacle of the UK referendum or the catastrophic screw up that is Donald Trump.

I feel like I have been on safe mode, like you do with your computer.  My screen flashed back on in the dentist chair.  Maybe I needed a jolt.  Something to get part of me going again that I did not realise was not working anymore.  I don't know.

What I do know that I feel more alive than I have for the past few months, more alert.  More ready to make plans, do things; live my life and plan for it.  My legs are returned to their shaved selves.  My hair has been brushed.

I do not know where I went, but I am glad that I am back.

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