Catching Yourself

I feel like I have just woken up.  Not from sleep, but a state of mind.  

Have you ever been in a rut without realising it or a downward spiral that you did not know you were on?  This has been me for the past few months.  Except that I did not know, until I was sat in the dentist's chair last Thursday.

Now the dentist's chair is of course not the normal place for self reflection and realization.  But there I was, petrified and shaking as usual when I happened to look down at my legs. They were hairy.  I'm not talking about forgot to shave for a couple of days hairy, I'm talking not shaved for weeks and weeks hairy.

(By the by, nothing wrong whatsoever whether you choose to shave or not; it's just my own personal preference for myself).

I had no idea whatsoever why I had hairy legs. I was so confused.  It was quite a good distraction from what was going on in my mouth to be honest, as I racked my brains for an answer as to how I could have forgotten to shave for so many weeks.  I wear a dress every single day.  How did I not notice for all this time?

When I got home, I looked in the mirror.  Again, I felt like I was looking at myself properly for the first time in months.  My makeup looked like a five year old had put it on and my hair?  It looked like it had not had anything but my fingers running through it since I washed it.  Being honest, I could not even remember last time I brushed it.

I felt and looked like an old house that was previously well kept but was now in a state of disrepair. The only way I can describe it is that I felt that my mind and who I am had a vacation away from myself, but not bothered to tell me.  Like I had just been on autopilot for a while. Does this make sense to anyone else or just me?

Looking back over the past few months, I see nothing that would have triggered this apathy.  Because that is what this was.  It was not laziness or a change in my routine.  The thoughts of shaving my legs, brushing my hair; applying my make up; did not ever factor or occur to me.

I have still been going to work, having a normal home life; writing blog posts but I really do think that the essence of what is me disappeared for a while.  Hell, I did not even blog about the debacle of the UK referendum or the catastrophic screw up that is Donald Trump.

I feel like I have been on safe mode, like you do with your computer.  My screen flashed back on in the dentist chair.  Maybe I needed a jolt.  Something to get part of me going again that I did not realise was not working anymore.  I don't know.

What I do know that I feel more alive than I have for the past few months, more alert.  More ready to make plans, do things; live my life and plan for it.  My legs are returned to their shaved selves.  My hair has been brushed.

I do not know where I went, but I am glad that I am back.

Just Keep Swimming

I am looking at you, the vast white blank space that is my new draft post.  You entice, making me want to fill you up with words, my thoughts on display, my feelings on show.

(Jesus, that sounded a lot more filthy than I meant it to come out.  But hey, the intention here is to get me writing again, so I will allow it, this once)

I can see the words that I want to type, dancing just behind this vast white screen.  The many topics I want to speak about, suddenly disappear the moment I open my laptop.

It used to be so easy.  I used to post 2, 3, 4 times a week sometimes.  With ease.  I could bang out an opinion piece in a few hours, the thoughts formulating in my head as I went through my day, pouring out of me when I got to my laptop at night.  

Do I have less opinions these days?  Hell no.  Probably more.  Am I less passionate than I used to be?  Definately not.  But the words, they still do not come.  Irritatingly, if I am given a subject, a starting point; I am fine.  The words flow easily like they did before.

Ironically. this post that I am writing to you now is flowing.  The words are here, within my grasp.  The thoughts come together.  This means that I still have it in me, but the dots are not connecting.  Is this writer's block?

I think what I am lacking is focus.  My work life is insane at the moment, my head is still coming out of the loss of my step dad and my beautiful little dog child, Ellie.  My anxiety has spiralled and I feel like I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has been a really shitty couple of years, but I feel ready, more than ready to clear the head space and become me once more.

I re-read a post that I wrote for the Huffington Post in 2014 this week. Mirror, Mirror On the Wall and it made me remember the love that I had for writing.  The passion that I felt about body confidence, about reminding people that we are more than just our bodies; that is ok to look at yourself in the mirror and like your reflection.

I have tried everything to reignite my writing bug.  It is still there, in force, but still under the surface where I cannot yet reach.  I need my focus back.  I need to clear my head of what has gone on before and just write.  I need the Twitter me to expand and jump on to my blog page.

via GIPHY

I think that I am just doing to channel Dory.  Instead of keeping swimming, I am just going to keep writing.  Not focus on a subject, just write.  Lord knows what you will be reading, but I feel that it is the only way to bring myself back.

I will try and throw some interesting pieces in between the journey of self reflection.  But I ask that you bear with me in the transition.  It is time for the gobby opinion to make a return to The Curved Opinion.