Bat Shit Crazy

I think “My Way” may be the song that will forever describe my life.  I don’t do anything the way you are supposed to do it.  Things sometimes would be much easier if I did.

 

When I decide I want to do something, my tendency is to go with the snap decision.  There has been so many this year.  From stopping smoking without any aids or assistance, to deciding to start a degree and practically applying on the spot. 

My pet project this year appears to be working on myself.  This wasn’t intentional.  It’s just worked out that way.  I’ve done the quitting smoking, I’m broadening my horizons by starting the degree, now it’s time for the hardest one of all however, confidence.

Confidence is a strange creature.  When you don’t have any at all, you don’t really realise it.  Either that or you are in denial.  But when you gain confidence in certain areas of your life, the areas that don’t have it are suddenly blatantly obvious.

 

I have found my voice over the past couple of years.  I was, for some unknown reason, unable to give my opinion before and was always the quiet one in the conversation.  Whilst I am still shy when you meet me, I’m not afraid to have an opinion now and say what I think, controversial or no.  I have being on Twitter to thank for that and also this blog, as being the vehicle that helped me find my voice.

I have a theory.  I think confidence is catching.  Because the part of me that is now confident in what I think is now looking over at the other part, the part that has no self confidence at all, and it’s laughing at me.

Some of the things I do and have done over the years as a result of my lack of confidence I am now slowly finding absolutely hilarious.  Also a bit sad.  There are a top two of stupid things that my “You’re not good enough” feeling has caused me to do.

 

Idiot thing number one – multiple times offender

Consciously moving away from a date if we are out in a public place and his friends approach us.  Thought process: I don’t want him to be embarrassed.

Idiot thing number two – every bloody day

Seeing a group of people, men, women, teenagers, whatever and moving to the other side of the road.

Thought process: please don’t laugh at me

 

The confident part of me has highlighted these traits to me.  I honestly didn’t realise I was doing them before and I now I do realise, I will admit, I am bat shit crazy.  Reading what I have just written confirms it.
 

Why in the world have I spent 33 years of my life thinking I’m not good enough?  Sure, I’ll never be as beautiful as Keira Knightley and I’ll never be skinny, but I’m not the hunchback of Notre Dame either. 
 

Looks out that looking inward at yourself isn’t a bad thing.  You may discover that you are (in my case) bloody mad, but you may also discover that you are not as bad as you think you are.  So the achievement list this year reads:

 

1.     Stopped smoking.

2.    Started a degree.

3.    Realised I’m not an ogre.

4.    Realised I’m off my rocker ;)

A Good Ending

I watched the majority of the closing ceremony of the Olympics last night and whilst I was disappointed in it, I was also glad about that.

This sounds a funny thing to say I know.  Why on earth would I be glad that the closing ceremony wasn't anywhere near as good as was expected?

The answer to that question is that for me, the bad ending restored the balance of things.  I'm British.  We never expect everything to go well and, in my case at least, I don't trust something when every component goes exactly the way that it should.

I went into this Olympics I suspect much like many others in the British Isles.  Sceptical, wary and praying to hell that we wouldn't show ourselves up.

What happened in fact was that the opening ceremony was more than I could have ever expected it to be.  The games were carried out well and with decorum from the majority.  All of our athletes did us proud and we won more medals than we had ever expected.

Pride has been restored to the country and we experienced that wonderful "joining together" that us Brits are famous for doing, but so rarely do.

If the closing ceremony had in fact been just as good, I have a feeling that in time, we would have all have forgotten just how wonderful these two weeks have been.  Do you know why?  Because we wouldn't have trusted our memories.  Being the cynical creatures that most of us are, I believe that in a few months the memories would have been clouded.

Now though, we have our badly ending ceremony that will let us keep our memories the way we remember them now.  We can keep those glorious two weeks of celebration, hope and joining together.  They will stay in our memories now, because everything wasn't perfect.  Nothing that is really really good ever is.

 

It will probably sound strange to those of foreign climes, it may even sound strange to people from Great Britain, this thinking may just be may own.  But hey, it's my blog with my own thoughts.

GREAT Britain

I’ve watched more sport this weekend in one go than I think I ever have in my life.  Athletics, gymnastics, swimming, tennis, you name it and I’ve probably watched it.

I’ve never really been a sports fan apart from Formula One.  Suddenly this weekend I found myself cheering people on in sports I had never seen before, talking tactics on the 100m sprint and half way through the Murray/Federer match looking up tennis rules so I could understand what was going on!  By the end of the weekend “God Save the Queen” was practically running through my veins and I was more proud to be British than I ever have been.

You can say what you want about Great Britain.  Yes, we are usually a nation of moaners.  We expect the worst to happen and presume that it will.  We are self deprecating and constantly pick ourselves to pieces.  We are allowed to do this.  It’s our right, we live here.  But God help someone on the outside who tries to take us down.

It is exactly one year since the riots occurred and the spirit the supporters have shown in Olympic games really shows how far we have come since then.  I think that the riots happening shocked all of us and made us wonder just how fractured as a nation we had truly become.  The clean up organised afterwards was the first sign for me that people were standing together and refusing to let us fall apart. 

One thing Great Britain is truly good at, although it has been some time since it has happened, is joining together as one.  There can be no better example of this than when Jessica Ennis was in the final stage of the Heptathlon running in the 800m.  I have never in my life seen, heard or felt anything like what happened that night.  The roar of the stadium which grew and grew, the overwhelming feeling of pride and support for one of our own, it was truly unbelievable and something I don’t think I will ever forget.

You will always have the idiots of course, like Tom Daley’s Twitter troll and the Daily Mail (no explanation needed is there?).  Overwhelming though this weekend our sports men and women and the supporters both in the stadium and watching at home have stood together as a nation and reminded us that Great Britain truly is great.   We need to remember this feeling and carry it on.  Be proud to be British.  

What's in a Name?

Changing your name is a lengthy process, full of millions of letters and in the case of passports and driving licences, lots of money.

I have been thinking for a while now of changing my name.  Well, when I say changing it, what I actually mean is reverting back to the name on my birth certificate.  Given the time, documentation and money involved, as well as the emotional ramifications, this decision has taken a while to reach.

I was eight when my dad died and just over a year later my mum remarried.  Although I was happy to see her resettled, and he was and is the best stepfather I could have hoped for, from then onwards I felt disjointed.

Maybe it was the little girl’s way of thinking, but I remember at that time feeling that I wasn’t a proper member of a family anymore.  When the holiday tickets used to arrive each year with the different names on it felt strange and wrong.  Like I was a leftover from an old relationship. 

When I reached 11 after talking about how I felt it was decided that I would change my name to the new surname.  Given my age I didn’t need to bother with change of name deeds and I didn’t want to go down the adoption route, so I simply started using the new surname.

Years down the line and now I’m 33.  Whilst I understand my reasoning for wanting to change my surname when a child, I now miss my old surname.  I miss the connection it gave me to my dad and I’ve found, that although I call myself by my stepfather’s name, I still think of myself in terms of my dad’s name.

I don’t need the sense of belonging like I did when I was a child.  Taking back my former name is in a sense reconnecting with my younger self and that is something I want.  So much of my life went awry after my dad died and now I think I have finally dealt with all that, I want a new start with the old me.

So, after I have a long talk with my step father, whom I love a lot and want him to understand, I will be going back.  

Hello Vicky Cooper.  I’ve missed you, a lot.

No to the Finger

Everyone who knows me and knows of my love of Formula One will be well aware of my dislike of Sebastian Vettel.

This weekend has given me another reason to dislike him.  In my opinion, he is proving to be a bad ambassador for the sport. 

For the second time this season Sebastian Vettel has publically insulted a fellow driver, in this case Lewis Hamilton calling him "stupid".  The first occasion was of course the much publicised "cucumber" insult to Narain Karthikeyan.

He is the reigning world champion and as such is also a representative for the sport.  Maybe a little more PR training, together with a course in bad manners may be in order?

I understand that Lewis has now commented on Vettel calling into question his maturity and I have to say I agree.  Throwing your toys out of the pram every time something doesn't go your way is not the right attitude for a double World Champion.

My Legal High

 Someone asked me today on Twitter what it was about shoes that girls like so much.  Maybe because my current profile picture is this:

I replied saying that this was a question that could not be answered in 140 characters other than saying that shoes are pretty and they make us happy. But why do they make us happy?

When you go out and buy clothes, you buy them because they looked good when you tried them in the shop. If you are like me, then at some point in the future after you have bought the item, sometimes immediately upon returning home, you will look at it/try it on and wonder why in hell you ever bought it.

Suddenly the garment looked good on you in the shop, is all wrong. The dress that you thought looked elegant has turned into a hooker dress. The top that looked great for a night out with the girls turns into something your grandmother would wear. The jeans that are a perfect fit until you get them home and suddenly you look like you are pregnant.

This doesn't happen with shoes. They will always look the same.

The shoes in the picture above are shoes that I have envisaged and wanted since my love of shoes began. Bright red Mary Janes with ribbons, and with heels high enough but not so high that you can't walk. I've had those shoes in my head forever.

Since finally finding and putting my own stamp on them, I have worn them on multiple occasions and I still get the same big goofy smile on my face that I did the first time of wearing.

Shoes will always look the same as they did in the shop. No girl will ever turn to you and say "Does my foot look big in this?" Shoes always fit. I put a pair of shoes on that I love and my mood improves. I look down and see them or catch their reflection in a window and I have a smile on my face.

The "fun" shoes

The “I feel sexy when I wear them” shoes 

The “today I want to goddamn sparkle” shoes 

Shoes - are they the best legal high there is?  I think so.  

They make smile, and that’s what counts.

Texas Chilli Cook Off

This is a joke email I received.  It says it is a true story, but whether it is, or it isn't, it made me giggle, a lot. 

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

 Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:_

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... 

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver . They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...*

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, wa s standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb .woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...*

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.  It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...*

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetari an variety chili. Go odd balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... *

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...... 

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

Judge # 3 - No Report

I Did it My Way!!!!!!

By my reckoning, this Monday will be 10 weeks of not smoking.

I have been asked by some why I chose this particular point to stop smoking.  Previously when people have asked if I wanted to quit I have always said no, that I enjoyed it and that I couldn’t see a point in the near future when I would want to stop.

I’m a bit of a odd combination in that in one way I am very easily  led, usually into mischief, but when it comes to making decisions and being forced into something, I am very clear.  I have my own way that works for me and I stick to it.  Tell me that I should be doing something and I will generally do the opposite. 

My best friend ran smoking cessation classes for years.  But she knows me well, obviously being my best friend, and so never mentioned stopping smoking to me.  She knew that I would come to the decision in my own time and, as I have a strong will, I would do it my own way, not the prescribed way.

So the day I decided to “have a go” at quitting, I had made no preparations.  It was more of a wondering of can I do it as opposed to a serious attempt to quit.  Probably the reason I decided to go cold turkey.  I didn’t want to spend money on patches etc when I would probably be back smoking in 2 days.  That’s faith in myself isn’t it!!

All through the quitting process I haven’t followed the prescribed rules.  I haven’t used any aides (apart from reading a quit smoking book) and I purposely have not avoided places where smoking occurs.  I decided from the start that I would not change my life one iota and I haven’t.  I probably haven’t made my life easier by doing this, but that’s me.

Typically, this weekend for instance.  I went out on Friday night and there were three smokers in the group.  I could smell the smoke and yes, it still smells good.  But I become curious.  What would happen if I had a puff?

Most people would then think no, don’t do it, who knows what will happen, you might still love it.  Me though, I follow my whimsy so I had the puff.  I was immediately taken back to my first puff at around 13.  Except I didn’t feel cool doing it, it tasted bad and I got an unpleasant head rush.

So yes, 10 weeks in, on my terms, and I’m doing it my way.  The idiot guide to stopping smoking

Lloyds Are the Winners

I have banked with four different places over the years and have left for various reasons with each of them.  For one reason or another, each bank had a fault which didn't work with the way I wanted to do things, so I always found myself looking for pastures new.  My latest change, 2 years ago now, was to the Lloyds TSB.

I have been one of thousands that have been affected by the almighty screw up with the RBS and the NatWest.  My firm bank with the RBS (I feel for not much longer) so hence my wages are directed from an RBS account.

I was due to be paid on the 22nd of this month and to my horror, not having since the news before I left the house, I arrived at the cash point to find a balance of £1.84.  My wage didn't turn up in my account until Tuesday 26th June, by which time I had missed two direct debits and three standing orders. 

I rang Lloyds to see how many charges I had incurred and what could be done.  To be honest, as with experience from banking institutions I was expecting heavy and multiple charges, applied with the line of "You'll have to take it up with the RBS".

I was however pleasantly surprised, on my first call to them (ever) I was greeted by a warm and friendly representative who practically bent over backwards to help me out and laid out my options for me.

After sorting my banking charges, without asking out he then proceeded to let me know how my account could be run better and therefore easier for me to manage and proceeded to arrange it all for me.

I came away from the phone call a lot happier than when I started it, with a better, more flexible account and any worries I had with regard to bank charges sorted out.  After dealing with either rude or unhelpful people for years with other banks, it is nice change to actually have a bank that helps!

Bus Journeys

Up until 4 years ago I was your typical car driving commuter.  Blasting up and down the motorway every day was not a chore, it was something I loved doing.

Due to a combination of being moved to an office much closer to home, the lack of parking and an incident with my car, I made the transition of going to work on the bus.  I wasn’t happy about it in the least but was the best solution.

It wasn't a solution I was happy with, but the main reason was that my car or more worryingly myself, had been targeted by local thieves.  My car was broken into 10 times over the course of 2 months and by the end, combined with the move in work, the bus became the most viable option.

I have shared some of my tales of my bus journeys on Twitter before, but someone suggested that I share them on the blog.  So here's life on a bus journey.

You tend to get two types of drivers on the buses.  The first type are nice, friendly and safe.  The other type use the bus as an extension of their penis and think that they are the only thing on the road.  The type that drives too fast and brakes too hard.  Standing on a bus trying to balance is not fun when the bus driver slams on and you nearly go through the windscreen.

Then there is the devil child.  EVERY BUS HAS ONE.  He has been on my bus every morning.  I am not sure of the age, around 7 I think and, apologies to the “all children are wonderful” bunch, but he is the devil's spawn.  His mother has no control over him and the bus driver has had to bring control on more than one occasion.

He shouts at the top of his voice, climbs all over, sometimes over you, runs up and down the aisle, knocking over bags and running over people’s feet.  The latter being me one day, the day after I had a foot tattoo.  Considering he took half my skin off I feel practically saintly for the fact I only screamed blue murder.

Then you get the tea time drunks.  You see them getting on the bus, you smell the booze on them and pray that they don’t sit next to you.  Some can be funny, giving you a little story or having a joke with you.  Others are the ones who carry an open bottle in their pocket which upturns over your expensive work coat.

There are also the “HELLO I’M ON THE PHONE” types.  Everyone will occasionally get a phone call whilst on the bus but I try my best to keep my voice down and be unobtrusive.  Plus of course I don’t want to advertise my business to a packed bus of strangers.  Some seemingly delight however in talking loudly on the phone.  What they are doing that night, how many girls they are going to screw over the weekend, how much they deserve a pay rise all the while disclosing confidential work details....   

They say the bus users are helping to save the planet by using public transport and not a car.  In this particular case I say screw the planet, and give me a goddamn car!  I miss my car.....

No Smoke Signals

Today is an anniversary for me.  It is exactly two months since I stopped smoking.

The journey has been much different to what I expected, both easy in parts as well as hard.  For the most part, determination has seen me through the weeks, along with much support from family, friends and Twitter.

Strangely, this past week has been one of the hardest I have had in terms of cravings.  My friend, who used to run smoking cessation classes, told me that this is the time when it can be the hardest.  When complacency creeps in and you believe that you have beaten the cravings.

That much is definately true.  After passing the six/seven week mark with hardly any cravings at all, I let my guard down and as such, the cravings have slipped back to a level that makes it hard once again.

But, now I have realised this, my determination is back in full force and I think it is time to read "The Easy Way to Quit" again, which helped me so much in the first place.  Never surrender!!

A Bad Business Plan

Let’s say you had a product to sell.   You could sell this product, if advertised correctly to potentially 60 million people in your local area.

You are aware that around 70% of the public are known to be interested in your product.  You have had massive sales for a long period of time, but these days, people aren’t buying and your numbers have dropped dramatically.

Your regular buyers are now down to approximately 1 million per week.  A massive advertising campaign is needed to engage with the public again, bring them back to you, and your product.

The trouble is, you still remember the glory days when sales were great, the public hung on your every word and you had influence in every corner. You make a wrong decision,  sales plummet even further and the end may be near.

Sound familiar?  Try the Church of England who have today said that gay marriage is the one of worst threats in 500 years and will “redefine marriage” .  This is the Church of England which was created in order to allow King Henry VIII to be able to divorce one woman and marry another.  Redefining marriage is what they were created for.

England has evolved, as have it’s people.  There are now many races, cultures, religions and beliefs living and co-existing in England.  We have atheists, Christians, Muslims, Jews. We have straight people, gay people, transgender people, bisexuals……The list goes on and on.  We each have our own beliefs and opinions. 

I am a straight Atheist woman.  What the Church of England is saying quite frankly sickens me.  Archaic bigoted thinking has no place in the 21st century.  When members of your own religion, of which I have seen many today, are questioning and disputing what you say, it is time to re-evaluate and change, or suffer the consequences. 

The Balance

I believe in animal rights.  I have done many blogs on the subject, the latest in relation to horse racing. 

I am pretty clear on what lines I will cross, what I believe is acceptable and what isn't.  For example, I won’t wear, and greatly oppose the fur trade.  Anyone wearing fur in my opinion is despicable.   Skinning an animal, in a lot of cases still alive, just for it’s coat and to then just throw away the carcass is something I will never understand.

There is a video on the PETA website, linked here which shows what happens.  I offer caution before you watch the video however, it broke my heart and I could not stop crying.

I an anti blood sports, including trophy hunting (see Trophy Hunting) and I don’t believe that animals belong in circuses or should be used for the entertainment of a crowd.

Because I have these beliefs, some people assume, and indeed think I should be, a vegetarian.  I’m not.  Whilst I am in no way the biggest carnivore in the world, this is purely from a taste point of view and not because I think that it is wrong.

All nature is a balance.  The lion eats the zebra.  The cat eats the mouse.  The spider eats the fly. Humans eat animals.  I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with that.  We aren’t built to live on plants.

I do believe however that we have a responsibility however to ensure that the animals we do eat should have the best life possible before the end.  So no battery chickens, championing local produce and most importantly, finding out where your food comes from and how it was treated. 

The lion may eat the zebra without a thought about it, but it doesn’t gather together it’s prey, ram them all together in a too small enclosure and sell off for a bigger profit.  It eats when it needs too.

Imagine a predator did this, but not to chickens, to us....

Tin Helmet at the Ready

IVF is a wonderful thing.  It gives hope to many people who want a child and although the success rate isn't the best, especially the older you get,  I can see why people want to use it.

IVF is also very expensive.  It is a choice.  Not a necessity.  You can, if you can afford it that is, pay for it yourself.  In the current climes not many people can afford the treatment and as such, they turn to the NHS to pay for it.

Whilst I support the right of people to have free IVF under the NHS, I do have a question.  Recent new stories have suggested that woman over the age of 40 are now to be given the option of having IVF.  The chances of success over the age of 40 are less than 5%.  Is this not a bad allocation of funds?

Currently cervical cancer checks are offered to women only over the age of 25.  Cancer can affect someone at any age.

I would think that than lowering the screening age for cervical cancer would be better, and would be infinitely more beneficial than funding IVF for woman over 40 which gives only a very small chance of success. Saving lives is what we should be aiming for.

Black Clouds

Sometimes, a few times a year actually, I get what I tend to call my black cloud.

Contrary to what you see on Twitter with my regular ranting, stroppy self, off Twitter I’m quite a sunny person.  Different aspects of your personality and all that.

Depression hits me a few times a year.  I’m not going to deny it.  It’s the price you pay for compartmentalisation.   If you shove everything that hurts/you don’t like in a drawer, now and again it’s going to escape and bite you in the ass.

Right now, I’m in a crappy place.  I’ve been there before and it’s not a nice vacation.  But it’s normally a short stay as opposed to the long haul.  If it ever becomes long haul then feel free to send in the men with the white coats.

I’m not saying any of this in an attempt to garner sympathy or whatever. But saying “I’m disappearing for a few days because I have issues” normally needs a least a short explanation.  Before people think that you are mental.  Which I probably am.  But you knew that already

Typical fucking me for entering black cloud stage right before the Monaco Grand Prix.   Although if the quali/race doesn’t pull me back, nothing will lol

See you in a few.  xx

We All Deserve Respect

I'm an atheist.  I believe that we are in charge of our own destiny and that there is no all powerful creator up there running the show.  That's my choice to believe that.

I fully believe in freedom of choice and if that means that you have religion in your life, be it Christianity, Hindusim, Buddism, whatever your particular choice may be, then you are free to have it.  We each have the choice to decide who we are, what we do and whether we choose to believe in a particular religion or not.

I have in the past, I admit, occasionally made jokes about Easter on a social media site which at the time I thought was funny.  It was, quite rightly, pointed out to me that the platform I was using had both non believers and believers there and perhaps my joke was out of taste.  In hindsight it was out of taste, and wrong for me to say, and I'm sorry for it.

We need to respect other people's choices and not make fun of, or judge them.  I wouldn't expect a Christian to come up to me and tell me I was going to burn in hell for being an atheist any more than I would expect an atheist to go up to a Buddist and start making jokes about them, and their religion.  It's called mutual respect.

Recently though Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor crossed that line.  He was quoted in saying that 

"Secular values were behind the violence carried out in totalitarian states and some of the 20th century conflicts that have killed millions".

What I could say now is "People in glass houses should not throw sounds".  I could then start naming various dictators and leaders who have themselves and through their actions killed millions, but I won't.

That sort of thing turns into a game of "Well he did that so I did this".

I suspect that the Cardinal is really actually angry because he doesn't have as much power and sway over people as he, and indeed the Church, once had. 

No religion belongs in politics, healthcare and the way people can lead their lives.  It may have been the ways things were done in the past, and indeed in some countries it still is, but in Great Britain you have people from many religions with different beliefs and you cannot have one rule for one, one rule for another.

 

Consumer Whore

Someone sent this to me and it gave me a giggle.  So I've done it myself and here are the results.

RULES:
1. Put your mp3 player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag whoever you want including me (this was from Facebook)
5. Have Fun!

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY....?
Lifted - Lighthouse Family (not bad so far!)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Toxic  - Britney Spears   (ROFL!)

WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
One and Only - Teitur (I swear, that was the next song.  It's beautiful by the way, get it in your life)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Rock Around the Clock - Bill Haley & the Comets

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
 Space Cowboy - Jamiroquai (this is awesome!!!)

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
My Funny Valentine - Billie Holiday

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Inside - Stiltskin

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Hello - Martin Solveig

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
I Think We're Alone Now - Tiffany (holy crap I can't believe I'm admitting I even have that song!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Something to Sing About - Buffy!!!!!!!!!!!


WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon  (yeah wishful thinking lol)


WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING
Lollipop - Mika (er no, I'm not)W

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Don't Stop - Roc (at my funeral, I think I will have!)


WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Song 2 - Blur


WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Semi Charmed Life - third eye blind


WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Great Balls of Fire - Jerry Lee Lewis (oh crap, going to get stick for this one)

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Price Tag - Jessie J (no, I've spent far too much this week!)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Consumer Whore - Lemon Demon

Thought of the Day

No matter how much you want people to like you, never change yourself in order to make that happen. 

If you follow the majority, only think what your friends think and do what people expect you to do, rather than what you want, one day you will look in the mirror and although the reflection may be the same, you will see the eyes of a stranger.

It unfortunately took for me to enter my 30's before I realised that the things that are odd about you, the things that make you different from everyone else, are the things that are most special and should be encouraged, not surpressed. 

So hi, I'm Vicky.  I'm odd, querky and I have a tendancy to rant.  Probably a bit more mental sometimes that I would normally admit.  I don't care.  I love it.  I'm myself.

Chirpy People are Psychopaths - Discuss

I'm not going to lie.  I'm in a foul mood that I can't seem to bring myself out of.  Writing usually helps so hence, you're getting this post and if you are reading this now, you have been warned, foul mood = evil pouring on to the page.

So basically, I am just going to bitch about things that irritate me.

Morning people.  I don't understand them and I really don't like them.  Actually I should qualify that.  Your regular John Doe of morning people I can tolerate, just, however chirpy morning people, well they clearly have something wrong with them.  

Not being a morning person myself and being frankly dangerous on the wrong side of 10.00am, I could happily throw things at the chirpy morning person.  There is a chirpy morning person in my office and there have been many staplers thrown at her head, although thankfully just in my mind and not in reality, I might get arrested for that.

Chirpy morning people brings me on to chirpy happy people in general.  I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being happy, but no one, and I mean no one is happy 24/7.  You show me someone who is happy, chirpy and cheery twenty four hours a day, seven days  week and I will show you someone who is mentally unstable.

I do not trust people who are smiling and cheerful all the time.  I honestly believe that there is something mentally wrong with them.  Purely of course on the grounds that they irritate the fuck out of me and at times, like now, I can be a complete bitch. 

I do actually feel better now I've wrote this.  I feel a little more cheerful haha 

The Hit List

I am now on Day 14 of my new non smoking life.  Overall, I think I have been doing ok with the cravings and carrying on with life as normal. 

I purposely did not plan to stop when I had a quiet period with nothing to do and nothing stressful on the horizon.  Most say that you should plan for quiet for a period, until you wean yourself away from cigarettes.  Like with everything though, I like to do things my own way.  My life isn’t naturally quiet or stress free so I see little point in hiding away.  I prefer to deal with every situation as it comes.

My aim is that at the end of the first month, I will be craving free and I can turn my back on that part of my life completely.  The journey is different for everyone but given the progress I’ve made so far, I feel it is achievable.

Feeling strong and excited today, I thought it was time for my hit list of things I want to buy with my regained money.  Being the sensible kind, despite having previously blown £180.00 away in smoke each month, some of it will go on sensible things but the rest, is play time.

Top of the list has to be going to a Formula One race.  I have opened a new bank account, entitled “F1” and money will now be going in there every month to fund a European race next year. 

Next on the list?  A watch.  Why?  I don’t own one and haven’t for years.  Watches are one of the things that I believe you need to invest it.  There is nothing worse than having a tacky piece of plastic hanging on your wrist.  I’ve never owned a watch because I have never had the money to spend on a decent one.

I found this at the back of my wardrobe the other day.  Hideously tacky, but as a savings box it will serve it’s purpose and save my pound coins until I have enough for the watch I want.  I can take my time (haha) with this one, having previously used my mobile as a clock all these years, I am in no rush.

Number three, inevitably is shoes.  Not just a pair of shoes.  “The” shoes.  I’m not talking about buying a pair of Louboutins either.   Although I love them, me being me I would no doubt manage to scuff the heel or scrape the front.  I would be too scared to wear them. 

Instead, I have found a website called Shoes of Prey which let you design your own shoes.  I have done that and after a few months of putting some money aside, I will have the shoes I have always wanted, but have never been able to find.

Lastly, to offset in a small way some of the frivolous and self related spending, I am upping my monthly charity contribution.  If I can  now afford to buy myself all of the above, I can certainly afford to spend more than £2 a month on charity. 

So there we go.  That is my little ex smoker hit list of purchases.  Now time to put action into plan and then reality.

Taking the Leap

If you have read my blog before, you may have seen a couple of posts I did back in the beginning of January this year.  In these posts I was talking about the fact that I had decided to cut down smoking over the Christmas/New Year period and was trying to continue.

Well fast forward three and a half months and the state of play is a little different.  The cut down didn't work.  I did try and kept up with it for a couple of weeks after I had done the posts, but my heart wasn't really in it.  I found that I was getting stressed out by counting the number of cigarettes I was "allowed" each day in which turn just made me want to smoke more.

Back on my 20 a day habit again I soon realised that "cutting down" doesn't achieve anything.  What does achieve something is quitting completely.   I have been smoking since the age 14, nearly 20 years and over that period I have occasionally toyed with the idea of quitting, but have never carried it through.

The cutting down experiment had made me wonder if I could actually quit.  If I had the willpower to do it.  The added price on cigarettes was another factor.  The fact that I was spending around £180.00 a month on cigarettes was something I could no longer ignore.

So last Monday night I decided.  I would have a go and attempt to quit.  I decided "cold turkey" was the best approach for me.  I knew that it would be harder that way but I would rather speed up the process rather than dragging it out. 

Being honest now, if I was a betting person, I wouldn't have bet on myself.  I am not the best at willpower, especially with something I want.  My mum has even confessed that she didn't think I would make it.  Cheers for that!

The first two days were horrible. Climbing the walls, emotional wreck stuff.  Luckily for me, someone I talk to on Twitter told me about a book written by Allen Carr (not the comedian) called "Easy way to Stop Smoking".  I was dubious to say the least but at that point would have given anything a try.

The next day, the book arrived, was quickly read and amazingly, worked!  Now I'm not saying that you immediately stop all cravings and are feeling bright as a daisy, but damn close.  The book deals with the psychological addiction you have to cigarettes and explains everything in such a way that you don't have the need to smoke anymore.

I am now on Day 8.  I haven't smoked and after reading the book, I know I never will again.

So if you are thinking about quitting, buy the book.  He claims to have a 90% success and before reading, I was convinced that I would be in that 10% that it didn't work on.  Let's face it, you can pick up the book for less than the price of a packet of cigarettes these days so you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

Safety for Gold

So, the Bahrain Grand Prix. Should F1 have gone this weekend?  No, in my opinion. 

This kind of subject is a dicey one if you don’t wish to become embroiled in a political and moral debate, which I don’t.  Commenting merely from a safety and not moral perspective, I keep seeing people mentioning the gun incident with Jenson Button in Brazil and the situation currently in Bahrain as if they are comparable.

There is no comparison.  Although (we hope and pray) that nothing will happen to any of the teams, drivers and reporters this weekend, there is a possibility that it could happen.  Protests, rioting, petrol bombs and tear gas on the streets does not scream “safe” to me.  What happened with Jenson could have happened at any number of the places on the race calendar.

Safety cannot be guaranteed.  Bernie may well have offered to escort Force India back from the track “without an escort” but anyone can see that this is a merely for publicity.  He has to save face now.

The FIA have made the decision and now the teams have to live with it.  The drivers have been asked to comment with their opinion and the answers vary depending it seems on how well versed at PR they are.

Sebastian Vettel however, just gave me another reason to hate him.

"I heard about the Force India issue," "I think generally being in the paddock it seems to be no problem. Surely outside the paddock there is a risk, but there is a risk everywhere we go.

"You imagine when we go to Brazil it is not the place you want to be, depending on the area you are in. It is not a big problem and I am happy once we start testing tomorrow because then we worry about stuff that really matters - tyre temperatures, and cars."

After two years of having the best car on the track and having the adoration of Red Bull, it seems Mr Vettel truly believes that the world revolves around him.  Yes Sebastian, don’t worry about the people getting hurt outside the track, you just concentrate what really matters……… You.

An F1 Dilemma

Unless you have been living under ground over the past few weeks, you will have read, and probably engaged in discussion regarding the Bahrain Grand Prix.

From an F1 fan point of view, I haven’t yet seen a single fan who supports the race going ahead.  Safety is more important than an F1 race and yet here we are, the Shanghai Grand Prix is almost upon us with Sakhir following the next week, and the race is still on.

It has been said that to guarantee (and you can never guarantee anything really in those circumstances) that nothing less than a complete military lockdown would ensure the safety of the teams, the drivers, the fans. 

It is only two years ago that Jenson Button was faced with men brandishing machine guns at his car on the way back to his hotel and had it not been for the quick thinking of his driver, who knows what could have happened.  That was Brazil.  The threat is far, far greater in Bahrain, anything can happen.

As I have said, so many fans have spoken out against the race going ahead, myself included.  But there, we face a quandary.  The race seems to be on.  We know it is unsafe.  We have all said that it shouldn’t happen.  But will we still watch it?

For me, the answer is I don’t know.  On the one hand my head says nothing may happen, I don’t want to miss the race.  Then there is a pause.  For if I truly believe that the race going ahead is wrong in the current circumstances, am I feeding the beast by watching?

Formula One is a circus is fuelled by money.  Open up Bernie Ecclestone and you would probably find coins running through him, not blood.  But if we watch the race, are we any better?

In other aspects of my life the answer is simple.  I abhor horse racing and believe it is barbaric, the Grand National in particular.  I will not watch and I am actively trying to encourage others not to watch and not to bet.  The Grand National is something again fuelled by money and only the power of people turning against it, not watching and not betting is going to make a difference.

With Formula One however this is just one race.  Next year things may be different and the controversy surrounding the race may be gone.  Can I watch this year, knowing lives may be on the line for the sake of sport?

The answer to this question is I don’t know.  Do you?

Reintroduction–From the Outside

Reintroduction of an animal species is a subject that most people haven’t ever thought about.  Also, with so many people living in towns and cities, reintroduction of an animal species is something that won’t impact their lives.

Reintroduction isn’t something that would impact on me in any way, so with that said I can only put my point of view forward from the outside, neither being part of a reintroduction process nor someone who may be affected by it.

I’ve been aware of this subject for a few years.  The first instance I personally heard about was the reintroduction of wolves into Yellowstone Park.  This was brought about in 1995 and since then, the wolves are doing well.  The over population of elk is reduced but not overhunted, flora and fauna have flourished and the beaver population has increased.

The ecological balance has been redressed and the Park has benefited from it.  In addition, the grey wolf is now off the endangered list.

In relation to a non predatory species, beavers have been reintroduced into Scotland and last year the first wild beavers were born.  Salmon populations have not gone down as the opposition said it would, but then again, beavers don’t eat fish, they eat vegetation. 

Some reintroduction ideas will never work.  The idea of returning wolves to Scotland for example will never work.  For one, much of Great Britain is privately owned and so the land isn’t available and also, the country is too populated to consider reintroducing a predatory species.  But wild boar?  Why not.

I honestly believe that reintroducing animals species that have previously lived in the area is important, where feasible.   This can help in so many ways, from bringing animals from off the endangered list to bringing the ecological balance back into play.

After all, these creatures were here for a reason, and the only reason they disappeared was from hunting and eradication.  From us.  It is our responsibility to bring these animals back to where they should be again.

Delusional or Fame Hungry?

I, like thousands of others read the article Samantha Brick wrote in the Daily Mail yesterday Why women hate me for being beautiful.  The reactions to the article have been numerous and varied.

The majority of people seemed to have the same reaction of saying that she is not beautiful and that she is obviously deluded, vain and self obsessed.  I thought pretty much the same, and the article made me laugh at the fact that someone could rate themselves so highly, and be happy to publish it.

Today, after thousands of comments on the Daily Mail site and on Twitter she has written another article saying on the one hand, she is upset and disgusted at some of the comments received, but on the other, she doesn't regret it and she has been proved right.

Personally I have no problem with someone is extremely pretty or beautiful.  If you look like that, lucky you!  Samantha Brick however isn't beautiful.  She is nice looking but nothing over the top.  She said that if Angelina Jolie was quoted saying that she was beautiful, there would be a massive public backlash.  I don't think there would be, because after all, Angelina Jolie is beautiful.

I think it was last year that Katherine Jenkins said that her looks prevented her from being taken seriously. She said

“It’s hard being beautiful,” she says, “it can work against you. It creates a certain lack of credibility.”

There was no public backlash.  She is beautiful and I do expect that her looks may have worked against her in certain ways. 

I really don't know how to place Samantha Brick.  On the one hand, she does genuinely think that she is beautiful.  Her previous articles in the Mail are littered with photographs of her and are full of comments about her looks, weight, clothes etc.

If she is that naive then whatever anyone says to the contrary, she will continue to think that way.  It would be nice I suppose to be convinced that you were beautiful.  If that was the case, she would be a one article wonder, forgotten in a week.

I don't think she is a one article wonder however.  From that one article, she immediately had the "follow up" the next day, is now appearing on This Morning tomorrow and will no doubt have countless interviews, TV appearances and yes, more articles written about her.

I think what she actually is, is a woman who wanted publicity on a massive scale, to become an instant quote unquote "celebrity" and through this article she was able to get it.  On looking at her previous offerings, I think she was aiming for this when she wrote I use my sex appeal to get ahead at work. 

This woman has gone from a complete unknown to infamous in 24 hours.  I genuinely think that that is exactly what she wanted, and if she isn't on Celebrity Big Brother or I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here within a year, I'll eat my hat.

I Need a Favour

I am, I know, pretty opinionated on a lot of subjects.  But this subject, it's a passion, it's something I feel truly strong about.

So I'm asking a favour.  I realise that some reading this will dismiss what I say and do what they want, which they are entitled to do.  We all have free choice.

This is the favour I ask.  Please, please, please do not bet on the Grand National.  Ideally of course, I would be asking you not to bet on all horse races, but the Grand National is the pinnacle of horse racing in the UK so it's a good place to start.

This post should be read in conjunction with previous post Horses are not for Courses but here is the summary.

In the past five years, in excess of 150 horses per year have died as a result of horse racing in Great Britain.  At the time of writing my previous post on the 15th March, the total since the tally began 5 years ago was 804. It is now up to 809.  That's 5 horses in a week and a half.

I think that that figure would qualify horse racing as the most dangerous sport in the world.  For humans, no, but for horses, yet.

I imagine many people will watch the Grand National this year.  I'm sure many people saw the race last year, with the course diverted around the dead/dying horses which the BBC so coldly called "obstacles".

They aren't mechanical these horses.  They have feelings, they feel pain and they deserve to live.  Not to die as a result of a broken leg, a broken neck, at which point they become "commercially non-viable" and are destroyed. The results shown by Animal Aid are clear.  These races are clearly excessively dangerous.

Horses love to run.  They don't love to die.

So that's my favour.  Please don't make a bet.  In an ideal world I'd like to get #dontbet trending on Twitter.  That is far out of my reach.  But if you don't try to make a difference, nothing ever happens.  Please don't bet, please pass this post on.

Not betting on the Grand National won't save a horse's life on the day.  But like any big business, which horse racing is, if the money isn't coming in, things change.  Here is a link to a form letter drawn up by Animal Aid to use if you wish, asking that the Grand National be banned - Letter to MP

I Don’t Need a Nanny

So once again the budget rears it’s ugly head. 

There is usually something on there which will incense parts or most of the population.  Am fortunate enough that usually, the effects of the budget do not affect me too much. 

I travel on the bus, don’t have children and the hike up in price on alcohol and cigarettes is expected.  Not this time however.

I am aware that as a smoker, whilst not a minority, I am definately in the category of “You should know better” or “Well there go, quit then”.  The smoking ban in pubs, restaurants etc didn’t bother me.  I don’t have a problem in not smoking around non smokers.  It’s common courtesy.

37p a packet extra on cigarettes though?  That has taken the biscuit for me.  George Osborne’s defence of the hike up in price is.

"Smoking remains the biggest cause of preventable illness and premature death in the UK.  There is clear evidence that increasing the cost of tobacco encourages smokers to quit and discourages young people from taking it up."

Am sorry, but that is complete and utter rubbish.  Whilst, yes of course, smoking related illnesses are preventable, for the Government to use this as a justification for raising the tax on cigarettes is ridiculous.
 
Smokers pay taxes, just like everyone else.  Part of that taxation goes towards the NHS.  We also pay a very high price on tax on cigarettes.  The Government get millions upon millions of pounds from smokers.  Yes of course a lot of that can be offset against smoking diseases.  But certainly not all of it.
 
I will not be dictated to by the Government into choosing what I can and can’t do.  Last time I checked everyone in this country still had the freedom of choice.
 
The Government don’t really want people to stop.  It will lose them money.  However jumping on the health bandwagon is just a useful tool in order to hike the sales tax up.   All it will do is encourage people to buy cigarettes from the black market.
 
In one way, I would have still be shocked and horrified that the Government had added such a large addition to the sales tax if they had simply said, it’s one way of boosting funds, getting us out of the recession.  But to hide behind the health issue, well that just adds fury to the flame.

It's There for a Reason

I wrote a post a few weeks ago called Trashing the Memory Palace  It this post I had decided that it was time to open up all the locked doors, see what really was hidden in the attic, get everything out in the open.

Well that was a few weeks ago and I have been trying to do that.  I have genuinely tried to let all the repressed stuff in my head out in the open, let myself feel it instead of lock it way.

I've come to a conclusion.  You create a memory palace for a reason.  Mine was made unconsciously, as a result of blocking out anything bad or crappy over the years.   But it has served it's purpose, I am happy 99% of the time (apart from when ranting but hey, I enjoy that too).

Since opening up the biggest feelings to come out are hate and grief.  I don't need or want them in my life.  Past events are just that.  The past.  Dragging those feeling into "the now" is for me, a pointless exercise.

I've acknowledged those feelings now at least, but now they are going to be thrown back in the palace, under lock and key, where they belong.  Just like that ghost in the attic, you know that it is there, but don't want to see it.

Undoubtedly all psychologists would be shouting at me now saying "Carry on!  You're making progress!".  Well that's about as much progress as I want, thank you.

I don't know really when I am writing this here.  I needed to put it down somewhere and I don't do diaries.  So it's here.

The next post, I promise, will be a rant or about something happy, like bunnies.