Exorcising The Ghosts Of Relationships Past

* Long read - you were warned!

Hello there!  It has been sooooooo long since I have written a personal post.  So long since the words have floated around in my head until I had no choice but to filter them down through my fingers on to the page.

As ever, I can articulate so much better when the words flow through my fingers as I type; but tonight is the first time in a long time that the words have danced, demanding to be set free.

So what am I talking about tonight?  The ghosts of past relationships as a fat, insecure woman.

Looking back at past experiences with men in my life is hard for me to remember.  The experience that I have had with relationships is little, the heartache, a lot.  I have been hidden, I have been put up with; I have been the dirty secret and the one that was so nearly "the one", had it not been for my body.

What I have come to realise over the past few months is that although I have been treated badly in the past, I have allowed this to happen to me.  When society and your peers tells you that as a fat woman, you are not good enough, eventually you believe it yourself. So you overcompensate.

When the #MeToo movement was starting to take shape, I shared some of my own experiences of what happened to me in the past.  I was a fat teenager, but I knew that the actions of those that touched and grabbed at me were wrong.  I knew that the words said to me were unacceptable.

I railed against them, but my words were ignored; my experiences were explained away,  when telling others as "wear a baggier school shirt" (I never wore a tight shirt by the by).  "You have large breasts, what can you expect" (erm basic respect?).  A look up and down at my body and a "you should be grateful for the attention" (fuck you).  A  particular teacher comes to mind.

Those last words shaped me and the experiences that I have had with men for a long time.  Not just from them, but people close to me.  That same message. Be grateful.   Take what you can get because you are fat.

So I allowed transgressions to happen to me because, maybe, I should be grateful.  I allowed myself to be hidden because who wants to have a fat girl as a girlfriend, right? Be happy that he likes you in private.

My love life up until this point has been a car crash, with me shaving off pieces of myself and handing them over on a plate trying to find that love, that attraction; so that someone, sometime will think that I am good enough for them.  That I deserve more than to be hidden or been embarrassed by.

The problem with shaving pieces off yourself is that eventually, you start to forget who you really are. When you give so much of yourself away each time with no return, you lose a piece of yourself.

Society and other elements made me feel like I was not good enough.  It is only now that I look back and realise that, as Eleanor Roosevelt so eloquently put:

No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent

I have always avoided men that found the larger woman attractive.  I did not understand how they could think of me as more than a fetish.  I had no clue or realisation that someone could actually find me attractive, sexy.

As I type right now, I am dating someone.  We met through Tinder, on my first couple of days when I thought that I would give it a whirl.  We have been dating a few months now.  I will call him A.

With A for the first couple of months I found myself in the same familiar cycle.  The insecurities.  The wondering if he really did find me attractive.  The fear when he said that he liked larger women.  Was I just a fetish?

When you have spent the whole of your adult life with your body as the compromise, it is hard to believe that someone can be turned on by your body.

The thing is, he makes me feel sexy.  I no longer feel like that I need to give so much of myself to overcompensate for my body.  He is attracted to my body and, for the first time in my life; I believe it.

So as these new experiences wash over me, I realise that I am in no rush.  I don't feel the need to be his girlfriend.  I don't have the craving for commitment and am in no rush.  We may progress, we may not.  But I am enjoying dating someone and just, for once, having fun.  The pressure to hand myself, my heart over on a plate is no longer there.

I have no idea what will happen with myself and A.  We may date for a while and it may fizzle out.  It  may progress.  Who knows?  But what I do know is that I can be myself.  I can be goofy.  I can be silly.  Turns out, I am a bit of a tease too, which amuses me endlessly.  I can feel attractive and know that he is attracted to me.  I don't hold back on what I think or who I am.  I may even let him read something that I have written, maybe.

I feel good enough for someone now.  It is a lesson that I had to learn for myself.  If nothing else happens between A and I, that feeling will stay with me.   This thing we have is 50/50.  We are figuring each other out, having fun, enjoying each other without pressure.  I no longer feel, as I have done every other time, like I am on an audition.

We are on a dance and who knows whether it will end or whether we will continue to dance.  All I know is that the pieces of myself that I gave away are coming back to me and it feels amazing.  The parts of me I gave away, I am taking them back.  I have owned who I am for years now.  Now I own what I look like, imperfections, perceived or otherwise; and all.

He has given me the confidence in my body it is true and that won't go whatever happens, but my self worth, I finally took that back for myself.

The dating experience I am having now, I should have had so long ago.  It is only now that I realise that this is what I always deserved.  What has happened before I let happen.   That is on me.  What happens now?  Who knows.  But I sure am enjoying the experience.

5 Things to Do to Deal with a Flight Cancellation

It's easy to feel yourself tumbling into a state of panic when you hear those horrifying words at the airport, "Flight Cancelled." After all, whether you're on your way to a family holiday, or you're waiting to get home after a long trip, no-one likes to spend unnecessary hours waiting around for someone to tell them that they can finally board. 

1.     Know Your Compensation Rights

2.     Do Your Homework 

3.     Book Flights with Care

4.     Prep for Each Flight 

5.     Manage the Crisis with Care

Although there's a good chance that you'll be able to get some compensation for your troubles if the flight your taking is from or to somewhere in the EU, that might not make you feel a lot better straight away. On the other hand, the following steps could ensure that you feel confident and empowered the next time you find yourself in a travel-related bind.

As mentioned above, if you're flying within the EU, then the good news is that you do have some rights when it comes to compensation. Although the amount of support you're entitled to can vary depending on who you fly with, you should be eligible for something if your flight is cancelled or delayed for a period of three hours or more.

Importantly, you will only be eligible for compensation if the reason or your flight cancellation was under the control of the airline. In other words, you might not get anything if you're grounded because of a bad weather condition or something similar.

Before you even book your flight, there are steps you can take to reduce your risk of a travel disaster. For instance, you can research the cancelled-flight and on-time-arrival records for your chosen airlines. Though this won't tell you for certain whether your flight will be cancelled or not, it can at least help you to choose someone to fly with who has a good history.

At the same time, it's worth looking into other airports close-by that you may be able to drive to if they can offer you a flight in the case of an emergency. The more research you do before your flight date arrives, the more likely you are to be ready for anything when disaster strikes.

Another thing you can do to reduce your risk of a flight cancellation is make sure that you book your travel plans with care. For instance, although it can be much cheaper to pay for a connect-flight, you'll be much better off with a direct trip if you do happen to be hit by a delay or cancellation. The more connections you have, the more risk you have of facing a problem.

At the same time, it's a good idea to make sure that you book the first flight of the day whenever you can. Late flights are generally more likely to suffer from compounded issues caused by backlogs throughout the day.

Prepping for your flights will help you to ensure that you have a very limited risk of encountering any unforeseen problems. For instance, when you book your trip, you can sign up for flight alerts to be sent straight to your phone whenever there's the chance that something could go wrong. You can also download the airline's app if they have one to keep an eye on your plane.

Another way to make sure that you're prepped for your flight is to check the weather in both your starting and finishing destinations. Watch out for any storms that might be coming your way, and make sure that you pack a carry-on, rather than taking all of your luggage in a large suitcase if you can manage it. If you can move quickly after a flight cancellation, you could be one of the first people to get a seat with another airline.

Finally, as soon as you hear about a delay or cancellation, start taking steps to fix the issue. Speak to a customer service agent on the phone or on social media instead of waiting in a huge line. Alternatively, you can try connecting with someone over your app.

Remember, whatever happens, it's important to be polite. It's probably not the airline employee's fault that something went wrong with your travel plans. The best thing you can do is treat these people with care and respect, as that will make it more likely that they'll want to go above and beyond to help you. However, make sure that you do keep a note of their name so you can refer to it later in discussions about compensation.

Debenham's MUA Masterclass

Last Sunday I had the pleasure of being invited to a Celebrity MUA Masterclass arranged by Debenhams with Amy's Makeup Box

Having never been to a makeup masterclass before, especially with a Youtube blogger with over 400,000 followers, I was more than a little nervous and unsure what to expect.

The event started with an introduction at 10.30 and we were greeted with muffins (always a good start!) and refreshments.  Amy was immediately lovely.  Friendly, chatty and open to any questions that we had throughout the day, she immediately put everyone at ease.  Amy was also more than happy to share her experiences of how she became an MUA and gave some great tips and advice of how to progress/start your career as a MUA and what you could expect.

We were shown how to do 2 looks over the course of the day, a bridal look and a glam look.  Amy told us what product and brush that she was using at each step, also suggesting alternatives and giving lots of tips along the way.  

I definately learned some great tips throughout the day, including a fool proof way of how to keep your eyebrows perfect all day with a great tip when applying pomade.  Check out Amy's Youtube channel (link above) to find out how!

I particularly loved the bridal look and thought that the model looked beautiful.  Gorgeous makeup without being overdone and was definately a look that I would re-create.

We broke for a lovely lunch of sandwiches and an array of cakes before getting into the second look, full on glamour.

I would not hesitate to recommend attending an future celebrity MUA masterclass. The whole day was wonderfully organised and we were made to feel very welcome.  I have started using some of the tips and tricks I picked up on the day in my makeup routine, particularly in terms of preparation and longevity.  

We were also gifted a wonderful goody bag of products supplied by Debenhams featuring Benefit, Dolls Beauty and Urban Decay which was a real treat.

If you see another event organised, particularly with the lovely Amy, go!  I would definately repeat the experience and pick up even more tips!

* The ticket for the event was gifted to me, but all opinions are my own, as always!

Junior Styles

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the maternal type.  I do not coo over babies,  I do not yearn for a mini me (god help us all) or a child that I can teach the ways of the world and hopefully, make it a better place.

I do confess though, I am a little obsessed when it comes to children's clothing.  I long for the day when my best friend has a child so that I can buy them all the amazing clothing.  There are so many funky, interesting and fun pieces available for children now and I do have a hankering to buy some of them, I'm just waiting for a friend to have one!

I was having a look at the OD's Designer Clothing website the other day and found myself, once again, checking out what options are out their for children, in particular girls.  I tell you, when my friend does have a child, they are going to be the best dressed child, ever.

Hear are some of my favourites:

There are so many styles available now and many, I confess, I would wear myself!   That gingham playsuit is simply adorable and can we talk about how utterly cool the Moschino playsuit is?   I think that I may need to create a "Best Friend's Baby" shopping list!

All of the above pieces are available on the OD's Designer Clothing website under Junior Clothing

Now can someone please make me that duck print dress in my size?

Guest Post: Top 3 Menstrual Cups To Consider

One of my major life regrets is not discovering menstrual cups until my early 30's. Now that I know how amazing they are, I can't believe that I wasted so much money, exposed myself to more toxic chemicals than necessary, and threw so much trash into the landfill.

I'll give a brief introduction to the main benefits of menstrual cups, and then get into the details of my top three choices to consider.

Menstrual Cup Benefits

There are plenty of reasons why you might want to make the switch from disposable pads and tampons to a menstrual cup. The three biggest ones are health reasons, environmental benefits, as well as saving some cold, hard cash!

Health Reasons

Here’s something that scares me a lot…

Disposable pads and tampons sometimes contain pesticides and other toxic chemicals in them. Even though there are only trace amounts, it’s thought that repeated exposure to this stuff can cause some pretty serious side effects.

Top-quality menstrual cups are made from medical grade silicone. Be sure to get a cup from a reputable company (keep reading for our recommendations) and wash it well before use to ensure yourself a chemical free period experience.

There’s more! To date, there has been one case of Toxic Shock Syndrome associated with menstrual cup use; there are thousands of cases each year from tampons.

Environmental Considerations

Disposable pads and tampons create a lot of waste that goes straight into the landfill. Considering that the average person menstruates for 40 years, this really adds up. A portion of this waste is non-biodegradable plastic, which will still be here thousands of years from now. Due to the nature of these products, they cannot easily be recycled.

Compare this to menstrual cups—the average one can last for five years, and sometimes up to 10 with proper care and cleaning. They can often be recycled, depending on where you live. 4-8 menstrual cups over the course of a lifetime is certainly better than thousands of pads and tampons.It really does make a huge difference! Imagine if every single menstruating person in the world switched from disposables to reusables?

Save Money

I’m sure you know this already, but pads and tampons are expensive. This is especially true if you have a heavy and/or long flow. According to the Huffington Post, the average person in the UK spends 13 GBP on period products each month.

A menstrual cup costs about double that, which means that you'll recoup your costs very quickly. A bit more up-front, but savings for years down the road? It's a price I'm willing to pay!Let's get into the Top 3 Menstrual Cups that you might want to consider.

#1: The Diva Cup

The Diva Cup is the most popular menstrual cup in the world. The name is often used interchangeably with "menstrual cup" for this very reason.

The Diva Cup is made in Canada, and has a reputation as a top-quality cup. It's often the one that people try first, and end up sticking with for the rest of their lives. It really is that good!

The Diva Cup has a nice firmness to it, which beginners usually appreciate. The advantage to this is that it should just "pop" into place once you insert it in your vaginal canal. It will then seal to your walls, and not leak.

Check out the Diva Cup website for additional information.

#2: The Lena Cup

Although the Lena Cup is a bit of a newcomer to the menstrual cup scene, it's becoming increasingly popular. The company's mission is to provide an affordable, high-quality menstrual cup and they have certainly done that; it's often a little bit cheaper than something like the Diva Cup.

The Lena Cup is made in the USA from top-quality, medical-grade silicone and it has some of the highest user ratings on Amazon. It's easy to insert, and remove and most people find that it doesn't leak.

The regular Lena Cup has a medium level stiffness, which means that it's easy enough to insert, but not so stiff that it's uncomfortable. There is also the Lena Sensitive if you’re looking for a bit softer of a menstrual cup.

Find out more details at the Lena Cup website.

#3: The Ruby Cup

Taking the last spot on our list of the best menstrual cups is Ruby Cup. Although it's one of the most expensive cups, it has a place on our list because of their buy one, donate one program. For every cup that they sell, they give one to a person in need. To date, they've donated thousands of cups to underprivileged people around the world.

As far as the Ruby Cup goes, I love that the small size is actually small, and the large size is actually large. This is unlike many menstrual cup companies who put out two cups, where one is slightly above, and one slightly below average.

Although the Ruby Cup is made in China, they do have strict manufacturing standards and quality checks in place.

More details at the Ruby Cup Website.

How to Choose Which Menstrual Cup is Right for Me?

If you take a look over on Amazon, you’ll notice that there are 100+ menstrual cups. It can be a bit overwhelming to choose one.

A good place to start is out list here: the Diva Cup, Lena Cup, and Ruby Cup all make an excellent choice for your first menstrual cup.

Of, you could also consider this menstrual cup quiz. There are five simple questions that will only take a minute of your time. At the end, you’ll get a recommendation for the best menstrual cup for your body type.

Check it out here: Menstrual Cup Quiz—Find the Perfect Cup.

What do you Think?

Leave a comment below and tell us your pick for the top menstrual cup.

 Author Bio: Jackie Bolen is a tree-hugging, friend of the Earth who can usually be found paddling the rivers, on top of a mountain, or drinking organic coffee around Vancouver Canada. Her hope is that reusable feminine hygiene products will be found in the hands of every single menstruating person in the world.

You can find her at Reusable Menstrual Cups (https://reusablemenstrualcup.com/) or on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/menstrualcups1234/).

Navigating a Dating Life

If you have read this blog before, you may have come cross a post that I wrote in June last year about how I was done with online dating.

It was an experience that I did not forget or stop thinking about in a good while, but eventually I decided that I did not want to be single for the rest of my life so something had to change.  I decided to try a new platform.  This time, Tinder.

To be honest apart my past experiences with online dating made me more than a little dubious but I was as honest as I could be about myself and the images I shared in my profile and decided, what the heck, give it a whirl.

I started talking to someone, I will call him "A" (yes, that is all you are getting) a couple of months ago and we have been dating since then.  So far, no psychotic tendencies I am happy to note!

The thing about dating is that I have not done it in so long that I have forgotten what you are supposed to do.  How to act.  Where to go.  When the other person is similarly out of dating practice too, you are both going blindly ahead.

If you are not used to a dating life for example, you don't know where the dating staple of nice restaurants are in your area, how to navigate to them and figure out between you who is driving, where you are meeting, are you meeting half way?  So many questions.  One of the first things that I did in order to find my way around was to buy a sat nav

Seriously though, how did people function without them?

Naturally I tend to wear my heart on a plate and give it away before I should.  This time, I am being cautious.  I have had my heart broken and have let it be broken before so this time, it is nice just to date, have fun and enjoy ourselves.  Eventually of course something more serious would be nice, but for now, whether it lasts or whether it fizzles out, I am having fun.

I will be talking about dating as a plus size woman in a later post.

I am generally learning the ins and outs of dating but the thing that I am taking from it so far is be honest, be open, don't have preconceptions and go with what you both want and forget what the supposed rules are.  Make your own!  That is what I intend to do from now on.

How about you?

Tips on Buying a New Build

Pexels

So, you have decided that the time has come to move home? Perhaps you are in the process of looking for your first house? No matter what applies, it goes without saying that purchasing a property is something that requires a lot of consideration. There are so many different options to choose from, and you have everything from your budget to the location to take into account. One factor you need to consider is whether or not you are going to buy a new build. If you feel like this is the best route for you, which many do because they are able to take advantage of a low deposit by opting for a new build, read on to discover some useful tips to keep in mind.

Be prepared for delays – Let’s get the bad news out of the way – delays are fairly common with new builds. It is not uncommon for a new launch to run behind because of delays during the building phase. These delays can be a caused because of the weather, an issue with supplies, and so on! Therefore, it is important to keep this in mind, although buying any sort of house (new build or not), can encounter delays. It is a good idea to agree on a ‘long stop’ completion date with the builder, though. This means that the building firm will be liable to pay you compensation if the work is not completed by the date you have both agreed on. This can give you peace of mind while also ensuring any rental costs are covered if the worst does happen.

The financial side of things – There is no denying that one of the main reasons why new builds make so much appeal is because you can find yourself eligible for lower deposits and government help-to-buy schemes, which is ideal for those looking to get their foot on the property ladder. However, there are a few things you do need to be mindful about on the monetary side of things. For example, if you need to sell your property quickly after you have purchased it – say within a year or two – you may struggle to get back the money you have spent on it. This is because new houses depreciate in value in the short-term once you have put your key through the door. Nevertheless, it is not all doom and gloom because there are a number of different ways that you can tackle this. For example, you may want to think about enhancing the value of the property you have purchased. There are many different ways you can do this, from loft conversions and landscaped gardens, to adding a conservatory on the back of your house. Of course, planning to stay put for a few years is the best option. When you buy a new build, make sure it not only satisfies your needs now, but in the future too. You will also want to shop around for good deals and do not be afraid to negotiate with developers. You may not be able to get the price down, but you may get a few extras thrown in, for example, they may offer to pay for your legal fees or you may get some free furnishings. Finally, it is also important to compare your new build with older properties that are the same in terms of space and value. This will help you to understand the resale market should you need to sell.

Stay away from dodgy developers – The last thing you want is for your house to be built by a dodgy developer, which is why you need to carry out due diligence during the early research phases. There are a number of different ways you can narrow down your search and carry out the essential research that is required. Of course, the Internet is always a good place to start. You can begin on the developer’s website, but you should never merely rely on their promotional material. You need to read reviews that have been left by previous customers and make sure these have been left on independent review platforms so you can be certain of their authenticity. Not only this, but you should take a look at some of the houses they have built so far. There is only so much you can learn from photographs, so if you can visit any of the properties, great news! You should also get to know the developers. Once you speak to them, you should get an instant feel as to whether this is the sort of company you want to work with or not.

Get an independent inspection – Last but not least, make sure you get an independent inspection so you can make sure there are no issues before you move in. A lot of people skip the property survey when they buy a new house because they assume a new house is not going to have any problems! Well, you should be surprised! An independent inspection now can save you a lot of money and hassle down the line.

As you can see, there are many different factors that need to be taken into consideration when buying a new build property. If you follow the advice that has been presented above, you can increase your chances of finding the perfect new build for you while ensuring that the process goes as smoothly as possible.

Can Working From Home, Work For You?

Being an office worker myself, the idea of working from home has always intrigued me and caused to wonder whether it is something that I may wish to incorporate into my working life.

Accordingly to research carried out by Seareach with 2000 office workers, only 21% are allowed to work from home, with  a further 16% with some restrictions in place.  

Security is obviously a big concern and many employers have cited fairness and productivity as potential reasons why they may not like the idea of staff working outside of the office environment.

Staff jealously of other co-workers having flexible hours and working from home days can also be a factor.  People do tend to wonder whether in fact any work is actually being done or whether their co-worker is just in fact sitting in front of the television, channel hopping with their feet up.

From my point of view, working from home can be greatly benefit and something that I do from time to time when I have projects on the go that require concentration and little distraction.  Other staff members calling into your office, the telephone ringing and other smaller projects being brought in for your attention can all cause a huge intrusion and cause you extra time.

Whenever I have a project that will involve pages and pages of notes or statement preparing, working from home is perfect for me.  I am able to organise what I need to do and do my work in a quiet, calm environment where I know that I will not get disturbed and as a result, the work gets done faster.

The mental stress that comes with working in an office too is often negated when you know that you have the flexibility in your job to take your own work and work on it there.  

As long as the work is done and in a timely fashion, in the days of Skype, email and the internet, do we really need to go into the office every day any more?

All images from Pixabay.  Collaborative piece.

My Dream Writing Space

Last month I talked about my tips for blogging on the go when you have a busy lifestyle and want to fit your blog into your life without feeling like you are losing all of your free time.

Today I wanted to talk about my dream writing space.  The one that I would create at home for days off, those weekends, those times when you get the urge (and the time) to write all day and want a comfortable area to do so.

First and foremost, what I want is comfort.  The perfect writing day for me does not necessarily start with getting up, getting dressed and sitting down to my laptop.  It can also, and preferably, start with a large cup of coffee in bed, my notebook and a pencil (no pens in bed thank you) and my thoughts as they start to collect.

I carry a notebook around with me most days and like to jot down any ideas for blog posts or writing pieces that come to mind, whether it be for this blog or other spaces.  I note the main idea at the top of a page and then during the week, fill in any additional comments to by way of bullet points.  These short notes are what start my day in bed with my coffee.

When it comes to getting more serious about my day, I move on to my laptop and my tablet.  At the moment I work from our dining room table which is not particularly convenient for me.  I recently came across a gorgeous desk from Lionshome which would fit the bill perfectly and would work with my current decor.

Lionshome

I don't like too much clutter on my work space when I am blogging.  Just my notebook with my ideas in, my tablet for research and of course my laptop.  I don't like to have too many windows open on my laptop as I find it too distracting so that is why I also have my tablet for researching points.  Ah, the 21st century world eh?

Other things on my checklist for the perfect blogging space include lots of natural light and fresh air from an open window and some sort of music on low, either on the other side of the room or the room next door.  Background noise is important but nothing too loud, like heavy metal or drum and bass!

The beauty of running a blog is that most of your tools and equipment can be packed away at the end of the day or at a moment's notice if needed.  Your laptop and tablet etc can be put away in a drawer and your desk space or table space utilized for other purposes.  

I think one of the most important things about your home is that it should work for you, on multiple levels.  This is particularly important if you have a family and have a jam packed filed life but is equally salient if you have a small home and need to use rooms for a variety of purposes.

What is your dream blogging space?

*Post in collaboration with Lionshome