How Social Media Killed Innocence

I have heard it said, and in most parts it is true, that adults forget what it is like to be young.  That society moves on, technology evolves and teenagers grow more worldly by the hour. It isn't the same as in "your generation".



But while the generations before us have worried about bullying, underage sex, teenage pregnancies, getting drunk in the park and "falling in with the wrong crowd", the obstacles that teenagers face today can be far more dangerous.



I would not want to be a teenager today, particularly a teenage girl, if you paid me.

Image from Pexels

Let's focus for the subject matter of this conversation on 15/16 year old girls.

When I was this age, I was the chubby girl in high school, known for having large breasts.  That was my label.  Cones, the boys called me.  My best friend was naturally very slender and she had her own nickname, which isn't mine to share.

There was bullying, as goes on in every school in one form or another.  In my case, there was also sexual harassment, passed off by teachers as "boys will be boys, they have hormones" and "buy a bigger shirt Kitty".  But that is another story.  

Bullying when I was 15 was limited to school grounds and waiting outside at the bus stop.  It was not being invited to parties and being excluded from conversations.    You were made to be an outsider.  But, the bullying stopped when you entered your home. When you were not in the presence of your bullies, you had some respite.



Mobile phones for the mass market did not come along until around 5/6 years after I left school (this makes me sound 190 years old I realise).   Social media only really started to become popular when Facebook appeared and started to gain significant followers.



I for one am wholly grateful that my teenage years was pre social media.  Because I do not think I would have survived it.  I truly don't.  Because if you are bullied or fall out of favour, it never stops and there is no escape.



There is a clear parallel between the rise and popularity of social media and the rise of teenage depression and suicide.



It is more than just a coincidence that rates of depression in teenagers aged 14-17 has increased by more than 60% according to an American study. 

Unsplash image

These days I am addicted to Twitter, checking the site and messages many times a day, having continued and ever increasing conversations with many people.  There are internet trolls of course and people who can target you on your views, but the block button is your friend and you can remove yourself from conversations which give you stress or cause anxiety.



I regularly have anxiety and the fact that I can sign out, have a break and come back refreshed is something that I do regularly, though not as much as I should.



You do not get to do that as a teenager.  You lead as much of your life online as you do offline.  Probably more.



Telling a teenager to remove themselves from social media when they are being bullied or excluded is ridiculous.  It would take a very, very strong person not to want to know what their fellow pupils are saying about them and talking about them behind their back.



If you removed yourself from the multiple social media sites, many of which I probably haven't even heard of would only cause more bullying.  More worrying about what people are saying about you; and planning.



That is before you even consider what porn has done to teenagers.  With porn accessible with merely a click on the internet, the expectations of boys on teenager girls (not all boys, yes I know) are horrendous.



When I was that age, your first experiences of sex was generally two people who didn't really know what they were doing, but generally having a damn good time experimenting.  The thrill of an hour kissing session.  That look the first time your boyfriend felt/saw your breasts.  The first time of sex.



Now, teenage boys have had years to watch internet porn and their expectations of porn star women are projected on to their female peers.  Hairless vaginas, porn style blow jobs, anal sex.  The presumption that this is the norm.



The expectations on teenage girls to do and perform these acts is massive and peer pressure ways heavily.



While the internet and social media has given us many things, it has also taken away more.  A respite from bullying.  Safe spaces. Normal experimentation and most importantly, innocence.

How to Surround Yourself With Positive Vibes

If you would like to make the most out of your femininity and improve your mood, your first task should be to find what works for your personality and your looks. No matter if you are curvy, funky, a hipster, or a tomboy, you can find what works for your style and your personality. Below you will find a few tips on how to surround yourself with positive vibes that your soul resonates with. 

Shopping for Unique Items
Fast fashion is for the masses. You need to work on finding things that suit you down to the ground and make you feel good about yourself. You can go on a shopping trip and go to boutiques that offer individual designer items. You might even visit charity or thrift stores where you can find your style and experiment with different materials and looks, until you develop your own personal appearance that will make you unique.

Creating Your Signature Style
Once you have found the items that you love and the ones that make you smile, you just have to find a way to combine them in a unique way. There are some amazing unusual combinations that you can try. A riding boot with jeans and a floral top might be your daytime look, while you can go all romantic and add some natural stones and crystals for the night. 

Your Signature Perfume 

Image via Flickr

If you haven’t tried perfumery yet, you might be missing out. Don’t just go for the name; find out what really makes you happy and what helps you connect with your soul. A perfume can give you confidence, help you express yourself better, and compliment your style. You might want to check out https://thehippiehouse.com.au/ for some unique creations that will connect you with the true purpose of your soul.

Your Bedroom

Positive vibes can also come from your environment. It is important that you surround yourself with things that make you feel safe and supported. Focus on your bedroom, as what you see before you go to sleep and when you wake up has a huge impact on your mood and your dreams. Look for unique items that will help you relax and put a smile on your face. A crowded and disorganised bedroom is likely to knock you out of balance.

Colours that Resonate with Your Soul 

Image via Wikimedia Commons

Colour therapy is less known than aromatherapy, but it is a great way of helping you stay balanced. Find out what the colour of your aura is, and the best way to support your mental and emotional health through all the right shades. Whatever you wear, the colour of your walls, and even your accessories will affect how you feel about yourself. Do your research and find what works best for you. 

If you would like to make the most out of your looks and how you feel about yourself, you will need to surround yourself with positive vibes. Pay attention to your interior decor, the colours and smells that surround you, and you can learn to connect with your soul.

Changing History for Inclusivity?

I am
not a gamer.  I think that the last game I played was Mortal
Kombat back in the 90s which mainly consisted of hitting a lot of
buttons with no idea what I was doing.  (Worked for me though, I
had a good success rate!)

The
guy I am dating is a gamer.  I was interested to see how games
have progressed over the years, in terms of graphics, how realistic, what they were like to play now etc etc.  My first introduction was the new Spiderman game and I
was amazed at how far games have come along.  You could actually learn your way around New York just by playing the game and the quality of the animation is as good as and in some cases better than film quality.

Then he showed me Battlefield V.   I wasn't sure a first
person shooter game was going to be something that interested me, but he showed me the advertisement video as a taster and I was shocked to see
that one of the first people I saw was a woman.  On the front
line, in a WW2 game.

Women
were not on the front line in WW2.

Photo Credit

The
Russians, I agree, had women in active duty, such as Lyudmila
Pavlichenko, the famous Soviet  sniper.  But were there
American and British women on the front lines of battle in hand to
hand combat against the Nazis?  No.  

Featuring
women on the promo posters and showing them predominantly in the game
for me, is an insult to both the men who actually served on the
front, but also, the women who contributed to the war effort, many
dying in the process.

Have
we reached a place where inclusivity prevails over historical
accuracy?

Now
in 2019 women can serve in any branch of the military as a man. 
 If you can pass the same physical tests that men undergo, there
is no reason to stop a woman who wishes to serve her country and be
at the front line of battle.  Women are already doing this now
and have died doing so.

But
in WW2 this was not on the case.  Not in battle.  This is
where EA DICE have fundamentally screwed up.  Including women in
this game is completely historically incorrect and to me, is so
wrong.

While
women were not subject to the draft and were not called to the front,
women did contribute to the war effort, some sacrificing their lives
in the process.  They worked in munition factories.  They
drove ambulances.  Ferried planes.  Nurses joined the war
effort in their thousands, stationed close to the front and helping
wounded soldiers.  Some died in the process.

Women
were recruited for and joined the resistance, became spies and
operatives; risking their lives to share information and derail the
Nazis.  They fought.  They shot and just like the men who
they fought along side, some were captured, tortured and died.  

Women
like Irena Sendler, a Polish social worker who saved over 2500 Jewish
children from the Nazis in Warsaw.  She was captured, tortured
to the extent that her legs and feet were broken, yet she refused to
provide information.

American
Virginia Hall, called "the most dangerous of the Allied spies"
by the Nazis.  Despite only having one leg, she helped to train
the French resistance and caused chaos for the Nazis with cutting
supply lines and gathering vital information, all the while being
hunted by the SS/

New
Zealander Nancy Wake aka "the white mouse" as she was
called by the Germans who on occasion, killed Nazis with her bare
hands.

Violette
Szabo, who worked as a British operative and resistance fighter and
fought against the Nazis.  She was ultimately captured and
despite several escape attempts from the concentration camp, was
ultimately executed.  She was the second woman to ever be
awarded posthumously the George Cross. 

There
are so many more.

My
point?   EA DICE did not need to pander to inclusivity by
including women in the game, featured in places where they did not
fight.  Because although not at the front lines, women served
their countries in many ways, dying in the process.

You
want to include women in WW2 in a game?  Make a game about the
resistance, about spies in WW2, where women served alongside men. 
Don't just include them in a game to appease gender equality. 
Women played their own, active and vital part too.

Celebrate that.  Don't put women where they were not and do not insult in the process the war heroes who fought on the front lines and died for our country.  Both men and women deserve better than this.

Celebrating The Quiet Ones

Six years ago, practically to the day, I wrote about the shiny people that pass through your life.

You know the kind of people I mean.  The ones that shine so bright in your eyes that they seem to attract the sun itself.  They sparkle (in a non Twilight vampire kind of way). They are the ones who flit around, directly their "in favour spotlight" on person after person, who each falls in love with their shine, only to then be left in the cold.

You can spend years without realising with these people in your circles, having once or twice experienced that glow and (most of the time unconsciously) seeking it out again at all costs, like an addict craves heroine. 

They are the human equivalent of Fool's Gold.  They do not provide you with real love or friendship other than what they want to offer.

I have had two of those shiny kind of people in my life, one of whom broke my heart and inspired my original blog post.  Looking back in retrospect, I broke my own heart.  He was never mine and he never loved me.  He loved my love for him.  I wasted far too many years pining for something that didn't exist.

Today however, I want to talk about the quiet people in your life.  

You do not  have to have the loudest voice or the biggest personality to have a major impact on someone's life.  Sometimes it is the quiet, unassuming people that are a constant in your life that you will always carry in your heart.

Four years ago today, we lost my wonderful step dad.  He was more than I could ever have hoped for.

When I lost my own dad at eight, I knew that no one could ever replace him.  When my mum married a year later to this nice man with the kind eyes who seemed to adore my mum, I was still understandably wary.

Yet he never tried to be my dad.  He just immediately and forever treated me like his own daughter.  He was a quiet man with not too much to say.  He was laid back, so much so we used to joke he should have wheels on his head.

He would have done anything for me and I knew that I could always count on him.  I never called him dad.  He understood why.  But I loved him like he was.  He was my H and I knew he would have stepped in front of a truck for me. 

What I remind myself of constantly now is to remember the people that stay with you.  They quietly walk by your side and stand by you.  They are the most important people that will be in your life, when all the glitter and sparkle is put aside.

We must always remember not to take advantage of their good nature, and take the time to thank them.

Thank you H.  You meant the world to me.

Raising Money for Women In Need - Jean Hatchet Interview

A figure that I think that we are all aware of, or should be, is that 2 women are killed by their current or ex partner every week in the UK. 

Whenever I see a story about domestic violence or a woman being murdered by her partner in the news, one thing that I always see people saying is “Why didn't she leave him if he was violent?” yet facts show that the most dangerous time for a woman suffering domestic violence in when she is in the process of, or has already left her partner.

Even in 2019, domestic violence is still something that is swept under the carpet.  Hidden.  Not talked about.  Something that happens to other people but could never happen to you.  You are too strong, too independent, more educated, more worldly.  You would not let this happen.  Until it does.

Statistically, 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. A lot of things happen behind closed doors and apparent happy facades.

On average, it takes someone suffering from domestic violence 7 attempts to leave. This is a time when support from others is needed most. From both a support and practice side, but also, safety. Sadly, due to Government cuts, help from charities and women's refuges is not always possible; at a time where the need for them is paramount.

Funding for refuges in the UK has been dropping steadily for the past 9 years, to the tune of over 7 million pounds. Two thirds of Local Authorities have implemented major spending cuts, with refuges all over the country being forced to close due a lack of funds.

One of the Councils in my local area for example has cut funding to its refuges by a staggering £620,000.

Help for victims of domestic violence is in nothing short of crisis.  1.3 million women reported experiences of domestic violence in 2018 (source) which is a 100,000 increase from year before.  Domestic violence crimes are also up a further 27%.

Due to the lack of funding available and the shortage of refuges, woman are constantly being turned away, often resulting in forcing them back to their abusers as they have nowhere else to go.

How do we help victims of domestic violence when the Government increasingly does not care?  

Well if you are Jean Hatchet (pseudonym), you step up and find a positive way to help.

Two years ago Jean came up with the idea of raising money for women’s refuges (in particular Wearside Women in Need) by going on 10 mile plus bike rides, with each ride being completed to honour a woman that had died at the hands of her partner or male family member.  To date, she has raised nearly £19,000.00.

Hopefully after reading my post today, you will consider donating to her Go Fund Me campaign too.

Jean has kindly allowed me to send over some interview questions to her, which I share below:

You implemented the idea of bike rides two years ago this April in order to raise women for women's refuges; riding at least 10 miles each time for a woman who had been murdered by her partner or male family member.  How many women have you now ridden for to date? 

I’ve ridden for 232 women now and over 5500 miles. Some of the women I rode for were at the request of their friends or family. I usually ride a lot further than 10 miles. I always ride up a hill and take time on the way up as it begins to hurt to remember the pain and suffering of each woman.  I always smash down on the pedals a bit harder as I think of the man who killed them.  

Image from Pixabay

For many women (and who can blame them), escaping domestic violence is feat enough.  For others, it gives them a strength that they never knew that they had.  You have escaped domestic violence, experienced a stalker and are battling cancer; where do you get your continued strength to be that loud and strong voice for women every day?  What drives you more than anything to do this?

I was lost within my marriage. I dreamed of ways I could live free of abuse. I used to escape into my own head. Sometimes when he was just calling me vile names as a way to pass the time and telling me how stupid I was I would dig my nails into my arm to help focus away from his words as they battered into me.

If I can help another woman to escape that feeling of dying within your own life. I will do it. An abusive man is worse than cancer.

Domestic violence is not just physical.  It also encompasses emotional and financial abuse.  I once read that one of the most important things for a woman to have when moving in with a significant other is a secret escape fund.  A "just in case this all goes wrong" fund.   It is something that I have implemented.  

Is there any similar "future proofing" advice that you would you give women going into relationships today? 

Plan. Plan. Plan. According to the UK femicide census a third of women are killed by ex partners after separation. A third of them are killed in the first month after leaving. Three quarters are killed within the first year. Leaving a man is the most dangerous thing you will probably do in your life.

Be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. Know where your passport and bank card are if you have them and make them easy to access and grab. Make sure you don’t tell him. Don’t confront him. Get out quickly and go to a refuge or the police or a safe place with a friend he doesn’t know. Stay alert. He’s looking for revenge and he’s looking for you.

Really – the advice I would give to women in abusive relationships is – don’t believe he loves you. Don’t believe he will change. He never loved you. He can’t change. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

For women going into a relationship with a man look for the signs. Check out his background in any way available. How does he speak of his last partner? If he hates her be suspicious. If he doesn’t have access to his children? Be suspicious. Look for him criticising you for your appearance. Look for him isolating you from friends. Read about coercive abuse. Check if he does any of these things. Read everything you can. Be alert for the signs. Tell your friends EVERYTHING that worries you and listen to any concerns they have early.

Women entering relationships with men do a very risky thing given the statistics that one in four women will be abused between 16 and 64. Set a high bar. The good men won’t be too angry to meet it. If it happens that he is abusive and you didn’t spot it – you haven’t failed. He has.

Gender self identification has been the hot topic of the moment with the proposed change to the GRA and most recently, sports women getting involved and commenting on the issue; making the topic more "mainstream". 

Many women, myself included, feel it is very important that women are able to have their own safe spaces, especially in refuges where safety is paramount and places are minimal.   Can you ever see a compromise to this in the future?

There can be no compromise on this. Women will die if there is.

I don’t even see this as an area of debate. Women in recovery who are trying to stay alive do not have to consider the needs of trans women or anyone else at that time. Those women have endured enough at the hands of men and those women have a right to recover among women. Women need those protecting them in refuge space to keep their space free of men.

The law provides for this within the Equality Act 2010 and no woman should be afraid or ashamed of using the law provided to protect her.

In addition to your ongoing campaign to raise money for Wearside Women in Need, you also started a successful Go Fund Me for the complainant in relation to the Ched Evans case.

The circumstances of the case were unusual in that the conviction was appealed after the sentence served.  What made you decide to start the campaign to raise money, knowing the abuse that you would receive from the angry men and parts of the internet?  Does the success of the campaign outweigh the hate and negative publicity that it brought?

When Ched Evans was acquitted on appeal, women throughout Britain felt the pain of the woman who had just endured her ordeal over and over again in a court room. Women felt around the edges of their own pain from their past sexual abuse and it was still raw. Women were hurting and angry and vulnerable and I could feel that. It made me angry.

Section 41 makes me angry. It makes me furious that there has still been no amendment to the law that allowed her past sexual history to be used against her.

I did what I could do. I asked women to help another woman. We do it all the time. We call it “rallying round” and I oh how we rallied! We showed that young woman exactly what we thought of her and exactly how we cared for her and it was one of the things I am most proud of in my life. I loved the women who poured money in to that fund.

I raised £27,000.00 which was split between the complainant and Rape Crisis England and Wales.  When I handed it over I felt we had really achieved something. It wasn’t justice we handed her. It was love.

I know for my part, when I saw Jean’s campaign and donated at the time, it really meant something to me too.  It was a virtual hug and “we got you” to the complainant and an acknowledgement to all other women out there that have pain of their own.

I really appreciate Jean taking the time to ask my questions and I hope that it will encourage you to donate to her Go Fund Me campaign too.

Taking The Leap

Well, I've done it.

I wrote recently that I wanted to move away from commercial writing and focus on opinion pieces.  Talk about the things that I wanted to again, instead of using the blog as a part time job with the occasional thought piece thrown in.

I have said similar things before and my intentions have been pure, but somehow I have always found myself lured back in.  A quick guest post or two, a link, then just another couple of sponsored posts.  Not this time.  No more.  I am done.

The real catalyst for all of this I think comes from my Twitter account.  I have always said what I thought on Twitter in the most part, but over recent months I have become more vocal and have become tired of hiding some parts of my thoughts in order to maintain my blog.

I got an email reply from a PR this week, stating that although she loved my blog (do they ever actually mean that? I doubt it), my Twitter account was not something that their client would want to be associated with.

So that, right there was the moment.  Do I reel back what I think and become once again a pen for profit, or do I do what I set out to do?

I decided it was time to be true to myself again.  I started by thanking the said PR for her comments.  Then I unsubscribed to all blogging emails, removed myself from paid blogging groups on Facebook, unfollowed all PR companies on Twitter and started to move away from all the people I had followed purely for numbers rather than actual interest in their content.

I began to get excited about writing again.  Ideas tumbled into my head about what I wanted to write and I finally finished the interview post that I have been preparing over the past few weeks (upcoming in the next week).

Right now, I have five different posts in draft, all different subjects, all partly written when I have come up with an idea and just had to get the bones of it written down. 

My thoughts, feelings and opinions are flowly straight through my fingers again and it feels wonderful.  I don't care about profit, numbers or even whether anyone reads my musings from now on, or not.

But I am back to being totally myself, warts and all. 

Turns out that turning 40 is a little like having a revolution in your head.  I like it.

It Is Better To Be In the Dark?

*Lengthy post - I think (and learn what I think) while I write sometimes

As we grow older, our thoughts and opinions change and evolve; as we do.

We learn about new subjects and topics.  We educate ourselves on the things that we are interested in.  We may take more interest in the news and current affairs and become more worldly.  

As the years roll on, we learn that the best way to educate yourself on a topic, particularly one that has large numbers of followers on both sides of the equation, like politics for example, is to look at both sides of the argument equally and then make up your own mind.

I recently undertook a political compass test which showed what you associated with politically and was surprised to find that I was much more of a centrist than left wing.

I have to admit that it was not until my early thirties that I became even remotely interested in politics and to be honest, I did not even know what left and right wing even meant.  Since then I joined Twitter.  I educated myself politically.   I learned about feminism, declaring myself one in the process.  This lead me finding out about MRAs, MGTOWs, Red pillers, incels.  Then religion.  Extremists on all sides.  The abortion debate.  It went on and on.

Each new thing that I learned about and discovered sent me down another rabbit hole of discovery.

I believe that it is important for everyone to have at least a basic knowledge of current affairs, what is happening in the world, how you generally lean politically; what is happening in the news.  

The question that I have today however is, has all this knowledge, learning and second by second discussion about everything on platforms like Twitter actually made us happier; or has it affected our lives in a negative way?  

Either way, you can never go back.  You can shut down your social media and stop reading the news, but once that thirst for knowledge and discovery has taken you, it is a hard thing to throw away.

At the moment I feel like we are in such a complicated timeline.  You can be whatever you want to be, identify with what or whomever you wish to be and say it loudly and proudly.  

At the same time however, the language that we use, the thoughts that we have and the opinions we share (whether fact and science based on not) are getting policed more and more each day.  The left wing mantra of "Be who you want to be" now has a double edged sword of "Accept and roll over backwards to accommodate everyone, or you might find the police at your door".

Out of my friends and family, with one exception being the man I am dating, I am the most politically driven, socially aware, opinion driven person in my group of people.  

Whilst having a basic (and frankly enough knowledge that is needed) about what is going on in the world, my friends and family care less and know little about things like feminism and MGTOWs.  They do not argue women's body autonomy rights on the internet nor know anything about the current ongoing battles between women and gender critical feminists versus trans rights activists.  They don't really follow current affairs.

You know what though?  They are happier for it.

I read the news and what is going on in the world each morning and throughout the day.  I am always up to date with what is the current big trend.  Things that make me angry when I hear them, things that make me worry, topics that suddenly everyone has to come out and state where they stand.  Which as said above, can now get you arrested.

Although better informed, I am not happier for having all this knowledge.  Having many opinions and beliefs and arguing/justifying them online has not made me a happier person.  I was happier and freer when I did not engage at all!

Is it better to be in the dark after all?  Or, do we need to better police ourselves at how many times we engage, how many times a day we look at the news, Twitter, etc and when we access these services.  Not first thing in the morning for example.

In the end, I will always want to be informed, I will always engage and I will always say what I think.  So what I need to do, and I suspect many others do too, is to reassess my engagement so that it does not detrimentally affect my life and mental health.

Balance, as well, is the key.

Why Should We Hide Our Mental Health?

I am lucky, very lucky in that my episodes of depression and anxiety have lessened a great deal over the past year; with the dark days decreasing in frequency.  Up until this weekend, dysthymia aside (see upcoming blog post with regard to this), I had not had an episode in many months.

I had let my guard down and as such, when a really dark day hit me on Sunday, I was not ready for it.

For as long as I have experienced them, I have always hidden my dark days from others, both in my personal life and at work. 

It is still an expectation of society that we present a "normal" front.  Somehow, people can cope with any physical illness or symptom that you throw at them (generally), but tell people you have anxiety, depression etc etc and you can see them practically running away from you in their eyes.  The "Oh God another crazy" look.

So when a dark day hits, as have millions of others, I have learned over time to hide it as best as I can.  Solitary spaces are found, plans are rearranged, if I have to work, my head switches off into a tunnel vision work mode.  I am careful in what I do and generally try to stay off social media or reading the news.

After not experiencing a dark day for many months, on Sunday, it felt like all of my strategies to cope/hide had been forgotten.  Bad enough the misery, pain and tears, I now had to figure out how to get through visitors at home, travelling on the bus and then going to my fellas, who doesn't really get mental health.  All I wanted, as I ever want, was to curl up in a ball and be alone.

I pulled myself together enough to take the dog a walk, get ready, make nice in front of the guests at home and then went for the bus.  That is where my not used in a while coping mechanisms ran out.

Needless to say, there were silent tears on the bus with people looking at me like I had grown another head.  Maybe I should have chopped my leg off and I would have received a more sympathetic gaze.

But then.  Then I reached the fellas.  I could not hide how I felt.  I didn't have the strength.  I tried holding it in.  I tried passing it off as simply having a bad mood day.  I tried brushing it aside.  He saw straight through me and that day, barriers down, I let him.

He knows nothing about mental health and does not understand it.  But he asked me to tell me how I felt rather than just stay silent and suffer "Use your words Vic".  He understood that he could not improve how I felt, so just listened to me, didn't judge me and held me.

While my dark day continues to the end of the evening, the pressure of having to hide was gone and the talking frankly about it (and cuddles of course) did bring me comfort.

My question is this.  Why, when we are already going through so much, when it is hard enough just to leave our bed, are we catering to other people first and how they feel?  Making sure that they are comfortable around us?

When my dark day hits I feel completely alone in the world.  I feel alien.  I wonder how quickly I could get over or how much less stress and pain I would feel if I did not have to hide it?

Why should we?  Why can we not admit that today is not mentally a good day.  Why can we not say "Today I am struggling a bit, so bear with me". 

Use that sick day when we need to. 

Not say I'm fine to someone who notices instead of saying I'm hurting and maybe get a much needed hug.

I am not hiding any more.  If I am not feeling well and have a cold, I tell people I have a cold.  If I am having a dark day, I will tell people the truth.  Enough. 

Stopping Smoking - Can It Change You As a Person?

Just a little musing on the blog today and a question:  Has anyone experienced a real change in their personality, mental health or general mental wellbeing since they stopping smoking cigarettes?

Image by roegger from Pixabay

First and foremost, let me say that I am not one of those irritating ex smokers who suddenly think that cigarettes are the plague of the earth and shout loudly and regularly from the rooftops of how disgusting smoking is.

I MISS IT.  I miss it so much.  I miss the after dinner cigarette, I miss the pleasurable addition of smoking when having a glass of wine or a cocktail; I miss the temporary calmness they would give me if I was having a bad day.  I miss them.

As a smoker you are well used to all the people that would wax lyrical about how bad it was for your health and how much money it must be costing you etc.  You would feel like wanted to stab them in the eye?  I still feel like that.  Sanctimonious ex smokers can take a hike.

Anyway.  Back to topic.  Physical health and money benefits aside, can't say I have really noticed either yet, I have to say that my mental health and wellbeing has definately changed.

For as long as I can remember, probably my whole adult life, I have had a numbing or  muting of emotions.  General the positive emotions.  Sadness, pain and anxiety I never had a problem with.  How typical. 

Feelings of anticipation, excitement, joy, happiness, feelings of just being damn normal, were just not really there.  I said the words and played out the emotions for people, but I never felt them.  I knew what they felt like because I used to experience them, but hadn't in many many years.

Not feeling, felt normal.  All the bright colours of emotions just did not live within me, except the black that occasionally would overtake me.  Everything was just muted.

Image by Alexandra Haynak from Pixabay

The only reason that I knew that I was not "normal", if anyone ever really is, is that on the occasional day, I felt everything.  It felt wonderful.  I would just wake up one day and experience a full day of normal feelings.  The world became exciting and full of wonderment.  Sadly, the next day, I went back to normal, my normal.

Not to tempt fate here (please fate, I'll be good I promise), but after around four weeks of not smoking, all of these feelings have come back.  I feel genuine happiness.  I feel excited when plans are made.  I feel anticipation when something good and new is about to happen.  I feel.   I feel everything.

Is this an effect of stopping smoking?  It would a be a very large coincidence if it was not related. 

My question I guess is very specific as I do not know anyone else who lived with the muting of emotions that I did.  I am sure that there is a name for it but I do not know what it is.

Whatever the reason, the world is full of colour again.  I look forward to each day, whatever it may hold and there is always now, some happiness to be found.  Even in the smallest corner.

How To Be Confident In Photographs

Image by Rene Pister from Pixabay

No matter who you are, in this day and age of social media photos are everywhere and hard to avoid. So, if you’re not feeling confident in front of the camera, then this might be something that fills you with dread every time your mate gets her phone out. Well fear not, there are ways you can overcome this and look and feel your best in every photo.

Know Your Angles

Standing in front of a mirror and taking some time to see what angles you prefer on your body might sound silly (no one needs to know) but it’s actually really beneficial and will help you to feel more confident if you already have an idea how you like to look! 

Another thing you can do is take lots of selfies; they’re really great for helping you to know what to do when someone else is taking the photo! So next time you're in front of a camera, get your instasmile ready and just pretend you're taking a selfie.

.

Ignore Everyone Else

It's so easy to feel self-conscious when taking a photo of yourself or having one taken of you. If you’re in a town full of people you might be feeling concerned about what other people think of you, or think you're being judged, but you need to forget all that because honestly, most of the time people don't even notice or they don't care. Try to forget about the rest of the world around you and enjoy the process.

Enjoy Yourself

It's so important to try and have fun while you're having your photo taken as this will shine through on the picture. The more you relax and let yourself go, the more fun you'll have, the more confident you will feel, and the more beautiful the photos will be.

Wear Something You’re Comfortable In

If you're not very confident in front of a camera, then you should definitely stick to wearing something that you feel confident and comfortable in. There is nothing worse than feeling uncomfortable and unconfident in photos as it will show and they won’t be photos you’ll want to look at again. If you are having a photoshoot or you know you’re going to be having your picture taken then wear an outfit that you love, and your confidence will shine through so much more. Then, once you're happy having people photograph you, feel free to experiment a bit with your outfits!

Fake It Till You Make It

No one knows at first what they’re doing in photos, not even models. They’ve all been there and look at them know. A lot of the time, people you think look great and confident in their pictures are often putting on an act, and pretending that they do, and you know what? It works! Pretending that you're confident in yourself will more often than not make you actually feel confident. So just fake it till you make it!

Tops For The Dress Addict

As a dress addict, it’s tough to find tops you like. You enjoy the freedom a dress gives,  and tops and pants are just a burden. If you must wear a top - and I really can’t think of a reason why - here are some tops that are great for the dress addict who has trouble letting go.

Fitted Tops

Fitted tops help you maintain the same curves and figure-flattering style of a dress. You can get all kinds of fitted tops in many different fabrics to mimic your favorite dresses and make you feel sexy. Fitted tops enhance your shape and look elegant, fun, and professional.

Oversized Tops

If what you like about dresses is their free-flowing nature, then an oversized top makes a great transition. They give you freedom of movement and are long enough to cover the rear section that dresses usually hide. Wear oversized tops with leggings to make you even more comfortable and stylish.

Belted Tops

Many dresses have belts or ties around the waist, and you can get tops like this, too. They flatter your waist and draw the eye to something of interest. If you enjoy wearing dresses that enhance your hourglass figure or draw attention to your waistline, these types of tops are great for you.

Cami Tops

You can wear a cami alone or under another top. While some would never feel comfortable wearing a cami alone, you can use a strategically coordinated cami under a sheer top or button down to give your wardrobe more versatility. Pick out colours you will wear a lot, making them even more versatile and giving you a pop of colour.

It can be tough to transition away from dresses, but if the situation calls for it, you have some great options for tops that will mimic the style of your favorite dresses and make you feel comfortable despite the change in wardrobe for the day.