Taking The Time to Take Care Of Your Mind

A few years ago it was my good friend Shona's birthday and she wanted to go to a spa for the day and stay over at night.  As it was her 30th birthday, I could not say no, but I was dreading it. 

The whole process and (to be honest), the thought of walking around wearing a swimsuit, did not appeal at all.  I bought a swim dress which eased my nerves a lot and steeled myself for what was ahead.  I cared so much about what other people thought back then.  I worried that it would ruin the day for me.

It turned out to be a revelation.  By the end of a day of relaxing, laying back in the jacuzzi, steam rooms and swimming a few lengths in the pool, my mind was calmer and clearer than it had been for a long time.

Fast forward a few years and I am now a member of my local thermal spa.  I started by going a few times with my friend and then one day, I decided to go it alone for the first time.  This was a huge thing for me, but my mind became so clear and calm every time I went to the spa, that I knew that I needed to try.

Each step that I accomplished sounds so small, but for me, it was a huge leap.  Going on my own in the first place, sitting on my own in the jacuzzi, getting a cocktail, having a meal midday.  The first few times were hard, but the calmness in my mind that followed was worth every step.

Do you like my new swimsuit?  It is the first swimsuit that I have worn in 15 years. Probably more. I have finally gotten to a place in my life where I accept my anxiety issues and am in a better place in my confidence that I have ever been.

Previously on this blog I have posted many photographs of myself.  My dresses that I wear 24/7 do not hide the fact that I am fat, but have always been flattering, cut to diminish size sometimes and whilst always honest, have never left me feeling completely exposed.

Today, here I am.  I have a belly, I have wobbly thighs.  This is me.  Exposed.

I own my body, in every form that it takes.  My legs are thinner than they used to be due to walking my puppa, but do I care if my body does not change further? No.

My body is my own and I accept it whether I remain the size I am now forever, or lose weight.  My weight is unimportant to me.  My self worth, my self confidence and my happiness mean everything.  I am happy.

Now I can sit alone and not feel exposed.  I can sit and have a meal or a drink and not wonder if people are staring at me.  All I care about is that I can go to a place where I can put my feet on the side of the pool and float, looking at the stars in the ceiling above and reach calm.  Wipe my anxiety filled head and feel like me again.

This is a massive step for me, showing myself so exposed on this blog; and it makes me happier than you will ever know.

Last shot of the puppa who wanted to be involved in the photographs today and for someone so cute, who was I to deny him?

*This swimsuit was gifted to me by UK Swimwear but all opinions are my own

Child's Play

When I was 15, we moved from my childhood home to a bungalow around ten minutes walk up the hill from us.  I am not lying to you when I tell you that I was devastated.   That house held so many memories for me that I could not bear to leave it.  

Memories of my dad reading The Far Away Tree to me on a Sunday morning, being pushed on the swing in the garden, the huge cherry blossom trees that used to tap on my window.  Family parties and birthdays, so many memories that I did not want to leave behind.

The street where we lived on was quite an unusual choice for a family.  The majority of residents were elderly and I think that I spent more time on that street talking to old ladies than I did children.  There were no outdoor playgrounds nearby either so much of what I did was based on things made up in my head.

I remember spending many an hour throwing the ball on my driveway, unsuccessfully learning how to ride a bike (my balance is bad, what can I say?) and making what I used to call potions with our elderly next door neighbour.

Starting primary school with so many children was a big of a shock as I was not used to it.  It did not stop me making friends or halter my progress.  If anything, not having many children around in my first few years I think it led to me having a better imagination which has benefited me throughout my life.

I have started walking past my old house sometimes when I take the puppa for a walk.  I wonder how it has changed and sometimes take a sneak peak through the window (from the pavement, not up to the glass haha) while I am walking past.

I can still see myself as a child running around that street, the elderly neighbours getting visits from me and the stories of their lives they used to tell me.  It was an innocent and wonderful childhood.  If I ever see that house up for sale, I will be the first one having a look around!

*Collaborative post