Still Scared

Why does the journey never end? I really thought that I had cracked the confidence thing.  I have confidence in who and what I am now and I feel so much better for it.  I have torn down so many of the walls that I built around me and yet this week, I have discovered another.  An invisible double strength wall guarded by an armada. 

 

What I have realised is that when it comes to the opposite sex, I am still that scared insecure girl who wants to hide.

 

The problem is that I am too used to men wanting me but keeping me in the shadows.  Fancying me but yet denying me in public.  Being with me but trying to justify it to others. I allowed it to happen for so long that it feels like the norm and now I eye every guy with suspicion, no matter what the circumstances.

 

Right now for example I'm talking to a guy via text. It's a friend thing, a reconnection and nothing more and yet I keep saying to him, but have you read my blog?  Not because I want him to read my writing but to make sure that he knows what I look like.  I realised that I was doing this the other night and it freaked me the hell out.

I should say at this point that he has been nothing but nice to me either. 

 

I'm happy in so many ways now, I can take anything that society throws at me, except it seems when it comes to men.

 

I'm aware how utterly ridiculous this sounds.  If I saw any of the other bloggers I read saying this I would be shouting "But you're so pretty, don't be silly!" from the rooftops at them.  But when I apply that to myself and then connect it to men and suddenly I am running for cover, wanting to hide.

Do you remember me the post I did about the invisible "fuck off" sign on my head?  Well it appears that it is still there.....
 

Is it too late to make a New Year's resolution?  Stop putting myself down, even unconsciously....  The only problem in the equation is me, I know that. 

I am more than this.   My image is all over my blog, I have a million "selfie" pictures on Instagram, I've walked down a bloody catwalk FFS!!
 

I refuse to be so scared that I am making sure a guy friend has seen my picture before feeling comfortable enough to have a conversation.  That is just ridiculous.

 

I think I should retitle this blog post, "Dear Vicky, Stop Being An Idiot".

New Horizons

 I am a bit of scaredy cat sometimes.  I like to have some sort of a structure that I can work within and I prefer to have a plan.  Without them I get nervous and a bit overwhelmed.   

I am not a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal, but I’m not obsessive about arranging things either.  As long as I have a point A that will eventually get to an arranged point Z, with the occasional point of reference in the middle, I’m ok.

Whilst these tendencies can be muted a little when in a group of friends, when I am alone it does become a little more compulsive.  This leads to my saying no to things that I actually really want to do, but are too scared to do them.  

But things are changing.  I am starting to say yes to the things that scare me, and wonderful things have happened as a result.  Over the past few months I have been a model at Plus North and now I am going next week to a fashion event in London on my own.  Neither of which I could have dreamed of doing this time last year, hell, even six months ago.

I got an email through last week from Marisota asking me if I would like to attend an evening where their new designer Mark Heyes is showing his new collection for them.  Usually I would see the word London and immediately say no.  A million problems instantly speed through my mind, giving me reasons why I shouldn’t go.

You don’t know anyone
How will you get there?
How will I find my way in London?
I’ll never be able to navigate the tube.
What if I get lost?
They’ve asked you by mistake
You can’t afford it
What if I miss my train?
What if I don’t fit in the clothes?
What if they don’t like me?
I’m scared


ENOUGH!


Enough with the what if questions.  They are not asking me to circumnavigate the globe; they are asking me to go to London for something tremendously exciting.  I get the train; I go to the event; I stay over and I go home.  It really isn’t that complicated.


I said yes.  I am so very excited and yes, very nervous and a little scared.  But I have my planning head on now; I have my train times; where I am staying; where I need to be.  I've even bought myself a travelcard so I don't need to rely on taxis. I will be fine*

There will be a post blog after the event of course and can't wait to have some adventures in London.  Am even regretting now that I didn't arrange a later train back!  By the way, if anyone reading this is going to the Marisota Mark Heyes event, give me a holler!  Would be great to see a friendly face!

* This does not mean I will not be live tweeting if I get a bit panicky and need to vent.  You’ve been warned.