Sorry Not Sorry

Last week I wrote a blog post called Be Kind in which I talked about how I was trying to improve myself by being kinder and more helpful to strangers.  This week's task therefore sounds a little at odds with that idea.

I am going to stop apologising.

Now, when I say I’m going to stop apologising, I don’t mean for the times when I have actually done something wrong or stepped on someone on the bus.  I’m talking about the dozens of times that I say sorry every week, simply for existing or having an opinion.

The funny thing is, this behaviour was so ingrained that I did not realise that I was even doing it.

I read an article the other day which talked about how many times a day people say they are sorry, particularly women, when there is no need to do so.  So I thought that I would run an experiment and see when and why I was saying it.

The most noticeable and numerous amount of times I said sorry over the past week, was when I was coming into a new conversation with somebody.  My very first word when I started to speak was sorry.  Using "I'm sorry" at your starting point for sentence is a little bit odd when you actually analyse it.  

You knock on a door, you hear "come in" and then you walk in and say "I'm sorry".  For what? Existing?

You are in an interesting conversation or a debate; you start your point with "I'm sorry but".  I'm sorry I have an opinion? I'm sorry I am expressing my thoughts?

What am I apologising for?  

The second noticeable time I apologised this week, actually shocked me when I realised what I was doing.   Twice this week when walking down a corridor that only had room for one person, I have seen someone at the other end, both men on these occasions, and immediately said "Oh sorry!!!" and immediately acceded to their alleged right to the corridor space.  This was not asked for, it was assumed behaviour that I did not even know I was carrying out until my experiment this week.

This was not being polite.  This wasn't the atypical British way of "You go first" "No you" "No I insist".  This was acceding to someone else who in that moment my brain was telling me that they were more worthy than I to be in control of the space.

Why do I think that I am not worthy? 

So that is my new goal for the week.  To stop unnecessarily apologising.  To realise that I am allowed to speak under my own merit.  That it is allowed.  That I am allowed to exist in the area that I am in.

I have no problem vocalising my thoughts online, so it is time that my offline life matched my online life.  Being brave enough to own that moment as my own, that space,  It is a reaffirmation that I am enough.

Be Kind

Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see.  Mark Twain

It has been over six months now since we made our New Years Resolutions.  The promises that we make to change things about ourselves.  Those changes are rarely made and by this point in the year, most of us have even forgotten what they were!

I do not believe in New Years Resolutions.  The gym membership that you forget about after month two.  The three books a month you promise yourself you will read, but don't.  That glass of wine on a Friday after work that you swear you will cut out (who are you kidding?).

Instead of thinking of ourselves and making promises we cannot keep, why not simply set ourselves a new challenge.  Be kinder to others.  It isn't hard to do and unlike that gym membership that is still coming out of your bank despite you not setting foot there for months; it will make you feel better.

There is a saying "treat others as you wish to be treated yourself".  I believe that the best way to be kind to others and be more selfless is to instead treat people the way you would want a beloved family member to be treated.  Pick the favourite person in your family: your mother, your grandpa; your auntie.  Think about the way you would wish a stranger to treat them, and act that way.

I have found that treating others as I would want a loved one to be treated has subtly changed the way that I interact with strangers.  For example my mum is 76 and sometimes struggles with the high bus step.  For this reason I always linger now if I have an elderly person behind me when I get off the bus, just in case they need a hand.  Because my mum would never ask for help with that, but she would appreciate it.

Visit your elderly neighbour living alone because you wouldn't want one of your grandparents to be living alone and lonely.

Ask the person upset on the street if they are ok, because you wouldn't want your sister to be upset alone.  Sometimes just a simple "Are you ok" showing you care means the world to someone when they are upset.

Carry a spare pound coin in your pocket for that occasional person who has no change in the car park. Let's face it, that has been all of us once.

All of these things take no time or effort, but can mean the world to someone else.  Go out into the world and be kinder.  It will make your heart happier.

Infograph courtesy of NRA Healthcare