I'm Not Fine

Depression is a strange beast.  The black dog.  

The illness that you are ashamed of, although shouldn't be.  The thing you don't talk about.  The thing that you shield from others.  The thing that you deny to yourself, until you cannot deny it.  The thing that is a stigma.  The supposed "fake illness".  A joke.

Today is World Mental Health Day.  Today, more than any other, is the day that those suffering from depression and anxiety should not be afraid of speaking out.  IT IS OK TO SAY THAT YOU ARE NOT FINE.

If I have made any progress in the last fifteen years of having depression and more recently, anxiety, it is to say that I am starting to realise that it is ok to admit how you feel.  

I am lucky.  I do not have debilitating depression.  I can function day to day.  My depression comes, and it goes.  Well, when I say that, what I mean is that it is manageable.  It is the social friendly version.  The kind that I can function with in day to day life, without falling apart in public.  

^ See.  Look at me.  Even in this blog I find it hard not to sell my feelings as "Don't worry.  I can still function as a human being.  My illness will not affect you".

My anxiety can be debilitating.  But yet again, I hide it.  Like with my depression, it is something that is not seen in my professional life, something that only a few people whom I care about, know about. I have been more honest in this blog about how I feel that to any person in "real life".

That is so wrong.

So do I feel?  Really?  What is being like this, for me, really like?  In honesty.

It is spending six months of my life last year in tears at work; whilst simultaneously hiding it from my boss.  It is having a wonderful day, and then at the end of it, realising how strange it feels to actually feel happy; and then realising just how few of those days I have.  It is your heart hurting, not from physical pain, but your soul crying; for reasons you do not know.

It is looking way back at the first two years, when it all first started and wondering how the hell you survived when so many days; you did not want to go on.  When pain was preferable to the sadness you felt.

I have come a long way,  I still have a long way to go.  I feel scared about what the future holds.  I wonder if I will ever meet someone as a partner that will put up with me when my depression comes to call.

But that is the problem isn't it? Depression should not be a stigma.  Something that we have to hide.  Something that we deny and try to deal with behind closed doors.  

I am not fine.  I doubt that I ever really will be.  I have dealt with that. There are millions of others, just like me.  We should not have to hide.  Our depression is part of us, but is no way all of us. 

We are not fine.  But that is ok.  We are allowed to feel this way and should not, ever not, cater our mental health to other people's comfort levels.  We are not whinging.  We cannot just think that it is lovely day and cheer up.  We do not choose to feel this way and believe me, if you had ever felt it, you would not choose it either.

Anxiety UK

Charity providing support if you've been diagnosed with an anxiety condition.

Phone: 08444 775 774 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-5.30pm)

Website: www.anxietyuk.org.uk

Bipolar UK

A charity helping people living with manic depression or bipolar disorder.

Website: www.bipolaruk.org.uk

CALM

CALM is the Campaign Against Living Miserably, for men aged 15-35.

Website: www.thecalmzone.net

Depression Alliance

Charity for sufferers of depression. Has a network of self-help groups.

Website: www.depressionalliance.org

Men's Health Forum

24/7 stress support for men by text, chat and email.

Website: www.menshealthforum.org.uk

Mental Health Foundation

Provides information and support for anyone with mental health problems or learning disabilities.

Website: www.mentalhealth.org.uk

Mind

Promotes the views and needs of people with mental health problems.

Phone: 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri, 9am-6pm)

Website: www.mind.org.uk

No Panic

Voluntary charity offering support for sufferers of panic attacks and OCD. Offers a course to help overcome your phobia/OCD. Includes a helpline.

Phone: 0844 967 4848 (daily, 10am-10pm)

Website: www.nopanic.org.uk

Rehab

Rehab 4 Addiction offers a free helpline dedicated to helping those suffering from drug, alcohol and mental health problems. Rehab 4 Addiction was founded in 2011 by people who overcame addiction themselves. You can contact Rehab 4 Addiction on 0800 140 4690.

My Rosie

I never thought in a million years that I would be writing this post today.

Seven months, practically to the day that we lost our beautiful Ellie, we found ourselves putting my wonderful gorgeous Rosie to sleep.

My Rose.  An amazing bundle of fluff who had so much love to give.  She loved nothing better than a cuddle and greeted me every day after work, patiently waiting for me at the patio doors and after spotting me entering the gate; running for her favourite toy Tiger or Frog to come and show me.

My Rosie.  I remember the day that I met you.  Found in an advert in the paper, advertised for sale as someone was leaving the country.  Back then, you were not Rosie. you were Lily.

Looking back, it is clear that they simply did not want you (how is that possible?).  Lying in your box, showing not much interest and very sleepy, I am convinced that they had given you something to make you docile.  No water dish out, no food to be seen.  You were immediately ours and became my Rosie Posey.

It was their loss.  It was my privilege to have you in my life.  

After Ellie died, the love that you gave us tripled.  You loved to sit on mummy's knee, particularly when I was trying to do the Asda order and you decided that stroking you was more important than the weekly shop.  It was.

Here you are, in the next photo.  Those big brown eyes, so full of love, saying stroke me mummy! I would sit cross legged on the settee, my phone in one hand trying to complete the shop and stroking you with the other.

When you became ill in July I was so worried and rushed you to the vets.  Finding out that you had a mass on your liver was heartbreaking, but with no cancer found in the blood tests, I prayed to whoever is out there that we could have at least another year with you.

I still cannot work it out in my head how you went from being your normal, wonderful self a week last Tuesday, to having to put you to sleep on Saturday.  I am shell shocked.  It still does not feel real.

You became ill again on the Thursday.  Given medication and injections just as before, I crossed everything that this would make you better.  The news we received on Friday after a full day at the vets that your kidneys were failing was such a shock, but we had hope that maybe a drip and some medication would give you a little more time.

We brought you home that night, but you were no longer the same dog.  Looking in your eyes, you were no longer there.  You were supposed to spend another day at the vets on a drip, but we knew in our hearts that the fight, so quickly started, was over.

We both loved you so much, which meant that we could not put you through any more.  I hope you understand that my angel.  

The house is so empty without you in it.  My teddy bear has gone and you have left such a massive hole.  A piece of my heart went with Ellie, and now another has been taken losing you.  I will always love you.  

This is my favourite photo of us.  Me watching the Grand Prix and you cuddled up with me.  You have such love in your eyes, as you always did.  You were so loved.  Go and play with Ellie now.  I will see you again.