27 January 2014

Still Scared

Why does the journey never end? I really thought that I had cracked the confidence thing.  I have confidence in who and what I am now and I feel so much better for it.  I have torn down so many of the walls that I built around me and yet this week, I have discovered another.  An invisible double strength wall guarded by an armada. 
 
What I have realised is that when it comes to the opposite sex, I am still that scared insecure girl who wants to hide.
 
The problem is that I am too used to men wanting me but keeping me in the shadows.  Fancying me but yet denying me in public.  Being with me but trying to justify it to others. I allowed it to happen for so long that it feels like the norm and now I eye every guy with suspicion, no matter what the circumstances.
 
Right now for example I'm talking to a guy via text. It's a friend thing, a reconnection and nothing more and yet I keep saying to him, but have you read my blog?  Not because I want him to read my writing but to make sure that he knows what I look like.  I realised that I was doing this the other night and it freaked me the hell out.

I should say at this point that he has been nothing but nice to me either. 
 
I'm happy in so many ways now, I can take anything that society throws at me, except it seems when it comes to men.
 
I'm aware how utterly ridiculous this sounds.  If I saw any of the other bloggers I read saying this I would be shouting "But you're so pretty, don't be silly!" from the rooftops at them.  But when I apply that to myself and then connect it to men and suddenly I am running for cover, wanting to hide.

Do you remember me the post I did about the invisible "fuck off" sign on my head?  Well it appears that it is still there.....
 
Is it too late to make a New Year's resolution?  Stop putting myself down, even unconsciously....  The only problem in the equation is me, I know that. 

I am more than this.   My image is all over my blog, I have a million "selfie" pictures on Instagram, I've walked down a bloody catwalk FFS!!
 
I refuse to be so scared that I am making sure a guy friend has seen my picture before feeling comfortable enough to have a conversation.  That is just ridiculous.
 
I think I should retitle this blog post, "Dear Vicky, Stop Being An Idiot".

8 comments:

  1. Have you thought about showing him this? It might be a bit of male perspective on it.

    That aside, it's natural that you'd be anxious about being kept 'hidden' as before, but that's not on you, that's on them, the idiots. One day someone will come along who'll be so proud to have you by their side all this will fade away. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The thing is, I know he has read my blog, it is one of the first talks we had. But yet the anxiety is still there. Now I want to ask "Yes but which parts?" It's so stupid, we are only friends as well. This is why I can't do the online dating sites lol

      Delete
  2. I agree with Leah, and it could be a good way of finding out if this man deserves to have you in his life (whether just friends or more than that). I'm sorry guys have treated you so badly in the past- you don't deserve that, and one day the right man will come along who'll be proud to be with you. You are such a gorgeous, amazing lady, and any man would be lucky to be with you! xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's a nice guy and we are just friends which makes it all the more frustrating that I feel like this. Thanks Louise, one day this stupid insecurity will leave me!

      Delete
  3. I know exactly how you feel Vicky. From somebody who has chosen the internet to find her partner I have spent many a night having the conversation of 'you do know what I look like don't you?' 'you've seen the full length pictures?' 'you know I'm fat right?'. Luckily I met a man who said he fell in love with me the first time he met me and wanted to the first time he heard my voice. We do this to ourselves. History has caused me to doubt all mens intentions but they're not all the same. They have their own insecurities. I have been with him now for almost a year and I'm still insecure about how I look around him. I'm a work in progress. Don't beat yourself up about feeling this way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are totally right. We do this ourselves. I can't let my past history with men cloud all future friendships and relationships. I am too obviously still a work in progress. Thanks Laura xx

      Delete
  4. Thank you for writing this.

    We learn from our experiences and if they have been negative, then we think in that view.

    I loved the line about "not putting yourself down."-That is something that I really needed to hear today.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't think this is ridiculous at all, it sounds normal to me. It sounds very familiar to what I'm going through myself at the moment. It's normal to me to be wary and anxious when you've been sold the message your whole life that you are not good enough. It is called self preservation. Unfortunately it means that it's a bit difficult when a good one comes along and you want to let him in, yet you have to get through the baggage first. But if he's worthy of you, he will work with you on that stuff.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you very much for commenting. I may not reply to them all but I read every one and it is very much appreciated.