18 October 2011

Baby, Baby, Baby Noooo!

Question.  What is it about people when they have a baby.  The most normal person in the world suddenly turns into this baby obsessed, all they can talk about person.  Like they have just given birth to Christ or something.

Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of friends who didn’t turn into crazy people when they had a baby.  To be fair, they were crazy anyway, being my friends, but in a good way.

When a friend tells me they are pregnant, after the mandatory congratulations etc (am not a baby person myself, never want one but am not evil, I can be nice and say congrats) what I don’t tell them is that they are put on probation for social networking.

For the purpose of the blog, I will use Facebook as the social network of choice.

Things that are Allowed
  • Telling people you are pregnant – it’s interesting, people will want to know and congratulate you.
  • Scan photo – not something I am interested in at all, but ok, some may like it.
  • Occasional pregnancy updates.  Please note this does not include tales of throwing up, heartburn or      anything gross.
  • The first baby picture. 
  • Afterwards, occasional, and by that I mean one every month, pictures of baby.

Things That Fuck Me Right Off
  • Creating a Facebook page for the baby, including when it is still inside you.  It is wrong, it is stupid and if it sends me a friend request…. DENIED!!!
  • Constant updates regarding how you are doing, particularly relating to morning sickness, sex life (yes I have seen pregnancy sex life updates) etc.  I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.
  • Once the baby is born, photos every other day.  Yes your baby is cute (hopefully).  No I don’t want to see it every day.  It’s a baby, WE HAVE ALL SEEN ONE BEFORE!
  • Daily update reports.  Baby has smiled, giggled, had a baby massage etc.....
By the way, what the fuck is baby massage??  People have been having babies for thousands of years.  I have yet to meet a baby that said “Hey, you know what I would like?  A nice massage!”. 

I am probably coming across as the anti-christ of babies, which I am not.  I’m happy if you have had a baby,  I respect your choice to have one and appreciate how much you will love it.

The thing is, I don’t love it, I don’t want to see it every day and I couldn’t give a rats ass what it does until:

a)  It starts speaking and;
b) Actually, that's about it.

1 comment:

  1. This is brilliant! Couldn't agree more (and I've got kids). A woman I know very, very well has recently had a baby and overshares to a horrendous degree on facebook. The endless status updates about how many ounces the little chap has had, what time he woke her up, what needles he's had, blah blah, frigging, blah. I feel like poking myself with a needle.

    One of my fave blogs for such cack is http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/ Some right horror stories on there.

    Excellent post x


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